Women without children, how did your life turn out?

[AnyPomegranate]

I'm 29F and don't want children. I'm having a terrible time dating - most men want children and the ones who don't are commitment-phobe types who don't want a long-term monogamous relationship (let alone marriage).

Women who are childfree by choice, how has your life turned out? Did you ever meet your husband and if so, were you both actively childfree when you met or was it just something you fell into? If you didn't meet a partner, are you happy with your childfree life or do you wish you'd chosen differently?

I'd love to hear your experiences. Thank you x

My life is absolutely amazing. I have a house, a wonderful man (he has a child from a previous relationship but I have very little to do with them apart from being a safe neutral adult in their life), career I love, a small business I feel passionate about, lots of hobbies, wonderful friends and a loving extended family. I bloody love it!
My assets, unless spent on my care, will go to my nephew and if he grows up to be a little shit, to the local cat rescue.

No, my siblings became very abusive when I have complained and I don’t want to be cut off from my nieces and nephews.

Don't worry about it. Once you get to your 40s, your friends will be getting divorced, their kids will be teenagers moving out and you will have an amazing time together. I had to just do my best to keep connections going through the baby years and, hey presto, my friends are back to their usual selves all over again.

Yes, we were both childfree when we met. I suppose what changed for me was a) a sense that time was running out, so I really did have to make a decision, and b) meeting someone who I could raise children with. I never wanted to do it alone, I would have hated that ( I take my hat off to people who do, as it’s bloody hard). I knew my partner would be an equal parent and pull his weight with the children. It’s worked out great and the youngest is about to depart for university very soon, so now I am facing an empty nest with some trepidation.

I'm not child free but have several childfree friends (male and female) who have explicitly said they never want children. We're all in our 40s. Some are married, some in long term relationships, and others are single - some by choice, others hoping to meet someone. Overall they are a happy bunch. They obviously have life stresses like anyone can have, especially now we're in middle age (elderly parents, some health issues, redundancy etc) but compared to those of us in our friendship group with kids they have a lot more freedom (in terms of both time and money) and spontaneity in their lives.

I’m afraid I actively didn’t want them, like you, and then once my closer friends started having them, and I had to interact more with babies, I just changed my mind, and it became a real yearning, causing a break up with my long term partner, who never wanted kids.

I don’t have any regrets at all as a mum. Life can bring unexpected turns. I didn’t expect to become a single parent and then fall for a divorcee with two sons!

Equally, you can also have a good life child free. It is much more common and socially accepted these days. My advice to you is to be kind to yourself and be open to all sorts of experiences, so you have a fulfilling life regardless of whether having your own child is a part of it or not.

Hi, OP, just seeing this now, but if you're still reading, my story might give you hope.

I was never what I would consider "childfree" - I actually assumed when I was younger that I would have children. I babysat a lot as a teenager, and have plenty of nieces and nephews and quite like children.

I had a series of longterm boyfriends from my teens into my mid thirties, but marriage and children always seemed like something for the future.

When I was 34, I met my now-husband at work - he was 28. He was the first person whose company I preferred to being alone, and we both felt quite soon that we'd be together for life. I think we had a very brief conversation early on, where we both said we thought maybe having two children would be good. But we never reached the point where we actually wanted to make it happen, and then at some point, it was too late for me to have children.

When I started going through the menopause, I did have a panicked period when I realised I no longer had the possibility of having a child, but that feeling didn't last beyond perimenopause. Other than that, there was a bit of a lonely period in my thirties when many of my female friends became mothers, and our interests just diverged, but I ended up making new friends.

Because we had good jobs and no children, I was able to retire in my early forties, and he retired a few years later. Since then, we've had a great time! I bought an extremely remote house in Scotland, where we live together most of the time. He spends about a week per month at his house in Devon, which is a nice break for both of us.

The very quiet, peaceful, and independent life I've been able to create is just right for me. I spend my time reading, walking dogs, learning new skills, and just faffing about daydreaming. I have six sisters who were always keen to be mothers, and they all are now, and their lives seem just right for them. I think the key is not to be persuaded into a life that is right for someone else.

So, I wasn't looking for a childfree man and didn't really think of myself as such, but ended up in a marriage where neither of us prioritised having children over spending time with each other. Also, I think looking back at previous boyfriends that if I hadn't met my husband, my second best choice would have been to continue to date but remain single and childless.

Hope some of that is helpful to you!

I never wanted children and knew from a very young age. In my 20's I worked 8 months a year, travelled and surfed 4 months of summer. I had long term boyfriends who were great fun but I also had no real interest in marriage. I was self sufficient financially and had my own place. In my 30's I had friends who felt pressured into kids who regretted it, they always said I didn't know how lucky I was, to have my freedom, travel, not having to rush home, be permanently exhausted being a mum and wife. Then in later life being expected to step up for grandkids.
I met my husband age 35 I was very clear I didn't want children and neither did he. We started our own business and we were very successful, no childcare distractions. 30 years later we have travelled the world, have a home in UK and small farm in France. We have been semi retired for 15 years, we have a great life.
My life would have been much poorer with children not just financially but I would have missed out on so many opportunities and travel. We have a good social circle who are mostly child free, we have enough room if we become to doddery to offer a live in position to a carer. We also like the idea of communal living with friends supporting each other in France, it works well here. Although we still have the option of moving back to our UK home or selling and adding it to our pensions. We have options that we wouldn't have had if we had children as we would have earned less and kids cost a fortune.

Edited to say we intend to live well and spend every last penny before we go as no one to leave it to.

Actively and happily child free here, in a long-term relationship of nearly 20 years, never wanted kids, and never fancy anything about that life. Have a lot more disposable income, but that’s not really the point, I am absolutely delighted not to have brought a child into this world, and have absolutely no interest in being a mother.

I’m very happily childfree by choice and life has worked out well for me. I got the life I wanted. I have a decent job, but not so senior that I have to work crazy hours & cope with loads of stress. Plenty of free time to do with as I want & travel where I want and plenty of disposable income to pay for it. I also don’t have all the hassles & worries of being a parent which you can read about every day on MN.

DP & I first met at university & were good mates for years before we got together as a couple. Not wanting children was always something we agreed about.

Blissfully childfree in my mid 50s, been together with DH for 33 years, happily married for 27 of those.

I never remotely wanted kids - I've always actively hated the idea. DH was initially ambivalent but as a pp said, the more of our friends had kids, the more relieved he became we didn't have any.

We're now mortgage free, both self employed in jobs that often take us travelling all over the place but also give us lots of free time which always been ours to enjoy as we wish.

Missing the point of the question, but why are women without children on Mumsnet. I only joined as I have children so looked it up in the early days as somewhere helpful for parenting. But I see so many non parents on here. I’m not judging but just genuinely interested.

Penis beaker.

You do realise that there are a myriad of other boards / discussion topics on MN? Books, travel, style and beauty, TV stuff, pets, work / careers, random chats, cooking / food, weightloss, etc etc. You don't need kids to take part in life.

Ok as I think someone reported my post as they have obviously not been on Mumsnet very long and are not aware of Mumsnet Classics; I am childfree and orginally joined Mumsnet to read more about a classic Mumsnet story that was so hilarious it was picked up by the national press: www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/mumsnet-penis-beaker-post-sends-2354221

And this; Mumsnet is basically the female dominated version of Reddit.

I'm the same, always knew I never wanted them. Even as a child I didn't really like other children and I've always thought having kids seemed like a burden.

It's only in the last few years that I've stopped being told I'd change my mind.

I will say though that I've had quite a few child free friends and I am the only one left now that hasn't had them eventually. It does change your friendships and I have had to find new friends because friends with young children just don't have time.

I've been with my husband years and he's never wanted them either. We were in agreement from the start and we both like being free to do what we want.

I do wonder how both partners managed to change their minds together when child free friends have changed their minds! If my husband changed his mind I couldn't have a child just because he wanted one.

Looks like it is back now - someone must have thought 'penis beaker' was a novel kind of personal insult!

Ah yes the famous story. I do remember that. I know quite a lot of things are picked up by the press these days and shared on socials. It was just a question that keeps popping into my head. I think I joined back in the days of message boards before social media. I was even a Tsarina for the local Mumsnet board for our area - do they exist anymore? And for the comment about there being threads about alsorts of life, I know but I kind of always assumed they were from a parent perspective - fashion for the tired parent, diets for the parent who doesn’t have time etc. Anyway. Apologies for digressing.

Childfree and in my 50s. Always known I never wanted children, not a maternal bone in my body (except for animals and pets). It's never crossed my mind to have kids. I love my life. I've been able to take risks with my career and not worry about the impact on anyone else. I love my work. I've travelled all over the world (and still do) at the drop of a hat, my friends are a mix of child free and those with kids. I'm actually quite close to some of those kids who are now adults. I adore my pets, have a great social life and loads of sleep. Plenty hobbies and I've never felt the need to stay in a shitty relationship for the sake of children. Been married 20 years and have a great relationship. Ups and downs in that time which is totally normal of course, but have never had that trapped feeling you hear of so often on MN when the husband and father to the children is being a twat. I've heard it all of course ('who's going to look after you when you're old?' to which my reply has always been 'who's going to look after YOU?' - my god you'd think all the people in care homes were childless wouldn't you...). Never regretted it for a second but then I feel it wasn't actually a choice in the same way the colour of eyes wasn't a choice, my sexuality wasn't a choice, etc. I just didn't want them and that never changed. When I met my husband I was very upfront about not wanting kids. Although he's 6 years younger than me (so in his 20s when we met) he said he felt the same.

That's how I discovered MN too! A friend with young kids sent me the link. I was actually crying with laughter. I still look up that thread when I need a good laugh.

My old workplace had a large bunch of mid 30's to late 40's men/women none of whom had kids and didn't want them either. Rather than suffering from ongoing existential dread, they seemed pretty happy and relaxed actually. Travelled alot, went out alot, went to festivals.

Sure, do you mean what changed that made me suddenly want kids? I honestly think I was very hormonal and with the right man. Literally I was on a bus one day at the end of my 30s, saw a heavily pregnant woman and felt a sudden and overwhelming urge to be pregnant. It came out of nowhere. I never make big decisions quickly so I sat on it for a year. Then there was about a 2 Yr period of crazy hormones with the pregnancies, and then I was back to myself again. So maybe 3 ish years of feeling quite different to how I had always been, and how I am now. I would really love to big in a big family, but I've never wanted to give birth to it. Also I knew from lots of personal experience that I wasn't signed up to having just any child - I really only wanted the dream scenario or nothing, and for me that's not a good enough basis upon which to create people.

Another childfree by choice woman here. I’m 47 now, and have always known I wouldn’t have children. It wasn’t a decision I had to actively take, it just never crossed my mind as a serious option, no more than I had to consider whether or not to run away and join the circus. I was sterilised at the age of 40.

I am also single by choice. Of course, I do have certain needs so I have some gentlemen callers, but there’s no commitment, no expectation of commitment and zero drama. And that’s the way I intend to keep it!

My life is great, thankfully. I work full time in a busy but rewarding job. I earn over €300k per year which gives me a lovely lifestyle. My mortgage was cleared in 9 years and I now live in a beautiful peaceful home that’s within ten minutes of both beaches and the town. I have the time and the money to lead a good life in terms of travel, hobbies, activities etc. I have friends both near and far, some of whom are also childfree but most are parents, with the various kids ranging in ages from 5 to 18. I’m on track to retire early 50s with a fine pension and I hope to have the good health to enjoy my retirement to the full.

Often I am so grateful that I live in a time where I can be childfree and single… access to contraception, employment rights, ability to get a mortgage on my own etc. My mother, who had me at the age of 46, grew up in a very different society and could never quite get her head round my childfree status, but nonetheless would at least acknowledge that I was lucky to be able to pursue the life I wanted.

And for the comment about there being threads about alsorts of life, I know but I kind of always assumed they were from a parent perspective - fashion for the tired parent, diets for the parent who doesn’t have time etc

I mean, really? Is your world view actually that narrow? Do you think parents have a monopoly on being tired and busy? Do you think people who are childfree don’t have worthwhile contributions to make about all sorts of things? Though I do remember a poster who was utterly indignant about the presence of childfree women here and she stated that she had no interest in anything a non-parent had to say on any topic whatsoever, so you might not be alone in your thinking.