Husband changed phone lock screen from photo of me, he's had for 10+ years to 1 with me and m best friend

[Sheepy21]

As title says, my husband has had the same lock screen photo for 10 plus year across current and old phones. Photo of me on 1 of our days in the mountains together. I have noticed he has recent changed it to a photo of me and my best friend (also female) together. Is it the latest in a series of red flags?

Bit of context, my best friend has actually known my husband longer than I've known her. They both met in scouts and are both still involved as adult staff/ leaders. I can tell when they are both at scouts together as he's always 15-20 mins later coming home as they will stay and chat. They have never dated as me and husband have been together since school. But they do go out together on walks, both share some similar hobbies and they have gone for meals out together, usually for birthdays (her husband is a chef and her birthday is a few days after Valentines day and the chance of a chef getting time off at that time of year is impossible). I didn't really spend much time with her until our kids came along and she's now very much my best friend and 'auntie' to our children, as well as my wine drinking partner when I need to escape the house

Last few years my husband hasn't spent much time with her but the last year or so they have steadily been spending more and more time together alone, as well as time with me, him, her (and occasionally her husband too). Husband doesn't have many male friends, most are women and he has always been close to her (except the few years round Covid where they didn't really talk much)

Am I reading too much into it that he is wanting to spend much more time with her again along with things like changing lock screen photos? Her husband is still working long hours away from home and they don't spend much time together as husband and wife.....

This really does just sound like you both have a friendship with this woman but you struggle to see her together due to childcare and when you see her apart you have different interests so do different things.

I genuinely don’t really see a red flag here - it would be very blatant to change his background picture to his wife and his OW if they were having an emotional or physical affair! And she clearly knows about you since you’re her bestie so it’s not like he could be doing it to appear to both of you as if you’re the only one in his life etc.

Also adult friendships do kinda fluctuate so I wouldn’t necessarily put too much emphasis on the fact he’s seen her more lately when there are likely other times this has happened and then it naturally wanes a bit.

Is there actually anything above spending more time together and the phone pic than lead you to suspect his feelings have become romantic towards her or hers toward him?

No.

I have auditory processing disorder. Busy places with background noise (not necessarily loud) I struggle following conversations as the noise is too distracting/ over stimulating. So I then loose track of what's happening and can't really engage and be part of what's happening. So I tend to avoid them. So a restaurant full of lots of tables all having different conversations I can't cope.

I looked down at my lock screen today and it was a totally different photo to the one I thought was there, and I certainly don’t remember saving it as my lock screen. Phones are weird.

Wait till they get matching tattoos, then ask. FFS!!!!! Give him a bollocking, nip it in the bud! He is your property, you are his - remember the vows? You are one!

What do you do once a week when you go out?

Why would you be best friends with someone if you think they're the kind of woman who'd fuck your husband?

It sounds like you trust neither of them, which is an odd basis for both a marriage and a friendship, really.

First time you saw it, you should have gone 'What the fuck is it? Care to explain? Immediately come to your senses - do you want a lecture on what is appropriate and what is not?'.

A bollocking for what?

Maybe a conversation about OP finding the picture weird and how it makes her feel insecure…

Maybe Casually say
Oh god i really dont like that photo of me can you change it to one of me and you at xxx place
or a different one of me at xxx place. See what he says.

Then I would just keep a eye out with the two of them for a while before saying anything.

It’s Mumsnet

Depends on weather and what mood we are both in. Might go round to her house and have a glass of wine or 2 and talk, or go to local swimming pool and sit and chill in the sauna, or go for a swim..... she lives in countryside so if weathers good we might go for a walk for an hour or 2 or a run, occasionally go for drinks somewhere with live music.

And you know think she’s having it off with your husband?

Your best friend you see weekly and have known for years?

Never had any reason not to trust them. Sister spotted lock screen and started questioning me. I initially didn't think anything of it. They've been friends since they were 19 (me and Husband started dating at 16, now married for 13 years) and we are now late 30s and nothing has been an issue until sister started putting doubts in head.

Is there any reason why you have come to Mumsnet rather than just say “how come the change in pic DH?”

What did your sister start putting in your head? That they spend a lot of time together and you should be worried? After almost two decades?

Maybe just keep an eye on things...

@Sheepy21get your sister to ask him why?

They must have also known each other for years. If it were my BIL, who I’ve known since I was 18 and him 20 (now mid-30s) I’d say something on her behalf. “What inspired the change in lock screen after 10 years? Fancied a change?” And leave it there.

My stupid iPhone is on a setting where it randomly picks a photo, recently I have had screenshots of a train timetable, my toddlers nostril selfie and the photo I took of my grey roots… as well as nicer photos of course!

That having a photo of me and my/ our friend together as lock screen photo is apparently creepy and weird. She's had unfaithful boyfriends in the past so I can see why she would lean down that route. But I've not seen any clear evidence of anything untowardocer the years. Just friends who enjoy time together. I see her plenty just the 2 of us too, as well as the 3 of us together too (4 when her husband manages to get his shifts to line up so we are all off together)
Was just wondering what others think.

If you are this easily concerned by your sister suggesting that it might be untoward - then something is up. It might not be this, but there’s definitely trust issues between you and your “best friend” and you and your husband.

You have know the pair for 20 years. And yet you are doubting them on the basis of a comment or two from your sister who’s been cheated on.

and you don’t even feel comfortable asking him!!
Does your sister like your husband and friend?

Yes it’s a red flag 🚩 i am surprised you haven’t noticed as other people certainly will have. I would not like my husband spending so much time with his “other woman” it is inviting trouble. You are probably too busy with your child and he is too busy “ensuring he spends enough time with his OW” wise up soon. It’s not normal. If you told him you didn’t want him to be 1 on 1 with her as it makes you uncomfortable would he say no snd and prioritise her over you ? Ask then you will know if you have a problem?

Is it a recent photo of you? Do you look nice in it? How many other recent photos of you did he have to chose from?

Maybe he just thought it had been ages since he changed it and finally got round it it.
Maybe he saw it and thought it was a nice photo of his wife and your friend and that is all there is to it.

They have never dated as me and husband have been together since school. But they do go out together on walks, both share some similar hobbies and they have gone for meals out together, usually for birthdays (her husband is a chef and her birthday is a few days after Valentines day and the chance of a chef getting time off at that time of year is impossible)

I don't want to be mean, but my first reaction to this was 'Is this a joke??'

Everything you've listed there sounds very much like a date.

They've been on walks together, presumably for hours, just the two of them together? Meals together....which happens to be very close to Valentine's Day And now, he's put a photo of the both of you on his phone screen??

OP, he's wiping his feet all over you. If he told all of that to other men, they'd laugh because they'd be able to see right through what he's doing.

I can bet that if you showed any inclination to being bi-curious, he would be absolutely beside himself with excitement and she'd be the first person he'd suggest for a threesome.

Husband doesn't have many male friends, most are women

This isn't always a green flag, like some women think it is. They don't make male friends because they like to feel on-top, and there is a certain type of man that really enjoys circulating women around him, and all the female validation and attention that comes with that.

This mirrors my thoughts.

A lot of people don’t help themselves by holding their relationships to unconventional standards, then wonder why sexual or romantic feelings develop. Some would wonder why you’re now so concerned about a photograph while you’re allow them to enjoy date nights together at a restaurant while you have the kids.

Not being a fan of sit down meals is not an excuse, stop being passive. Either you suck it up or put your foot down and tell him it’s inappropriate.

Yeah that's what every woman being cheated on thinks