Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

No shit. That he didn’t doesn’t mean OP needs to do anything to increase the risk.

In OP’s position I wouldn’t be encouraging a DNA test if it potentially meant my own household and children losing income.

And yet, him not taking a test and hence dodging responsibility to a child he fathered speaks volumes about his character that makes him utterly unsuitable to be anyone's husband.

• He takes the test and it's not his kid = the fact that he was even a candidate for this kid's paternity means that he cheated, risking the assets of his existing family and betraying OP = HE IS SCUM.
• He takes the test and it is his kid = he cheated and is now liable for an extramarital child at cost to his family with OP = HE IS SCUM.
• He refuses the test = he cheated AND he is willing to deprive his own child of all paternal support = HE IS DOUBLY SCUM.

There's no outcome in which he isn't scum.

OP deserves better than being married to scum. There isn't an amount of money in the world that makes it worth staying married to a man who is doubly scum.

If you have a child you should provide for it.

It isn’t the OP’s child. And just because it’s possibly her husband’s doesn’t mean it definitely is.

Not OP’s kid, not OP’s problem.

I didn't say in my last post that it was her problem

That’s OP’s call. Either way, I wouldn’t be advocating for the paternity test.

Well he could do the DNA test and get it clarified once and for all.

Just in case he has to give maintenance to his own child ?

Yes. There’s no way I would do anything to increase the risk of losing money from my own household.

I would be putting myself and my own children first, with zero apologies. OP’s DH and the OW didn’t care about the wellbeing of OP and her children when they had an affair (and she chose to have the child that may have resulted from it), yet OP is supposed to prioritize the OW and her child over her own interests now? Hilarious.

Please don't put words into my mouth. I really do not appreciate it. I did not say anywhere that she had to prioritise the OW and the child over her own interests. He is the person responsible for maintenance. Not her. The child didn't ask for any of this.

It's not just about money. Its the peace of mind of knowing that he might not be the father. She's supposed to move on knowing that her husband might be the father of someone else's child.

Understandable.

But, if he refused the test, could you honestly stay married to a man of such appallingly bad character? Could you respect him? Have sex with him? Even look him in the eye?

That's the question OP now faces.

I don't see how the outcome can be anything other than divorce.

He wasn’t her manager, or in a position of power. They had an affair. You have been trying to “worsen” this whole mess since the start and I have no idea what you are getting out of it.

I’ve already said that he is an asshole and that he is absolutely at fault. But that doesn’t give you the right to label him as some sort of a predator.

I stand by the comment that you quoted. He will be an absolute nightmare to deal with if they want to go down that road and I will not be intervening. If you tried to allege that he has been abusive I refute that. He has not been abusive but a completely selfish ass who has betrayed me.

This is a bit how I see it tbh. Whether it’s right or wrong for the DH to do one thing or another is irrelevant really. He’s not the one here asking for advice.

You told me that he was training her in Czechia.

They had worked very closely and he spent weeks abroad training her and others.

The trainer-trainee relationship is a position of responsibility and power. It's a position in which she is his subordinate. He has breached workplace ethics here. It is predatory to shag a trainee.

You don't want to see it because you are still in shock. I get that.

As other people have said if he will be an absolute nightmare if they go down that road. It says very little for him as a human being. If he can sleep with someone for months I assume he can face up to what he has done.

Selfish is too good a word for him. Has he told you why he did this? Why he had the affair?

I'm also going to say this -this might not have been his first affair. It may only have been the first one you found out about. You deserve better than him.

That is essentially what encouraging the paternity test would mean though, even if you didn’t use those exact words. It doesn’t matter that the child didn’t ask for this, it’s still not anything OP needs to worry about.

What peace of mind looks like depends very much on the individual. Some would need to know, others wouldn’t. I’ve merely said what I wouldn’t be doing in her position.

I completely disagree. If you can get someone pregnant you can step up and own your responsibilities. You don't need to be involved in someone's life but paying maintenance is the least you can do.

Many men don't. The amounts that some women get in maintenance from ex partners is completely pathetic.

If you can cut off a child financially you are showing the world who you are. And one day it might be you on the receiving end of really poor treatment

Yes, and at the same time the OP's H is the one cutting a child off, not the OP. Don't blame women for what men do. The OP owes nothing to anyone bar herself and her children.

I was talking about the husband - not her. Show me where I blamed her for what her husband has done ? I don't blame women for what men do.

In OP’s position? I genuinely don’t know.

Him taking the paternity test would, if anything, potentially make a terrible situation for me even worse, regardless of whether I stayed or left. It wouldn’t make me consider him more positively.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Cool. Save it for OP’s husband if he ever decides to post.

OP isn’t cutting the kid off. She just not doing anything that may end up with the kid being cut in.

Once more. I was refering to the husband. If he can treat a child like that he's not a very nice person is he? No I won't "save it". I'm not going to moderate my posts just because you don't like my opinion.

The husband isn’t here, and you’re not talking to him to through OP. So what’s the point?