Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

Even if OP’s husband took this dna test, he wouldn’t be compelled to see the child, only financially provide for them.

I’m sorry you had a shit dad. That’s not really what we’re talking about here though.

You were the person that referenced a DNA test and said it might not matter if my dad was my real dad -thats why I responded the way I did. I'm quite aware that the husband in this scenario wouldn't be compelled to see them only provide for them.

Im not sure how you trust someone who had an affair behind your back and possibly fathered their child. If this hadn't happened would be ever have told you ?

Of course he wouldn’t have. But that doesn’t change the fact that I love him and that I can’t decide to end my marriage from one moment to the next.

It’s a decision you cannot make quickly, I think you need to give it time. You clearly love your husband and don’t want to blow up everyone’s lives. The only advice I would give is to address how your husband dismisses what you say ect as you mentioned this as well as discussing the affair. You had a gut feeling anyway that he had slept with this women already before the paternity test came out. How is he acting now? Is he sorry? Is he willing to do anything you ask to save the marriage? Will he be 100% transparent with you?

OP, This is obviously a very traumatic time for you.
I too found out that my husband had been having a very long term affair. I was utterly broken and barely functioning. Managing on maybe a couple of hours sleep a night and hardly eating.
Please don’t be rushed into making a long term decision.
Yes, your husband is a liar and a cheat and all the rest, you dont need MN to point that out to you.
Only you can decide whats best for you and what you want to do moving forward.
FWIW, I stayed. I’m not saying that would be the best decision for all women in these situations.
2 years down the line, I’m still sometimes triggered and, at times question if I made the right choice. Those thoughts don’t however consume me daily like they did in the earlier days. My DH has made massive changes and shows great remorse, still putting in so much effort and on the face of it, we are living a great marriage !!!
I know, it hurts like hell
Sending you all the best. 🌺

There's nothing wrong with still loving someone who has cheated on you. I can also completely understand that you want to protect your children. However if he is the father -that means that he has a child out there that one day might want to find him. It's a natural thing.

My situation was completely different. My mum and dad were married. He just didn't turn up for an access visit one day. He did pay my mum maintenance but was forced to do it. Not by my mum -the amount he paid till I was 16 was so derisory he might not as well have bothered

I tried to find him when I was 16. We did find him. There was no issue with his new wife and son because they don't know about me and my mum spoke to him on the phone and that was it. We found him through his brother who was completely delighted to hear that I wanted to contact my dad. I've never tried to make contact since. I had no idea at that point that he was remarried and had a son. I found out much later.

I have made the decision not to blow up his life and try to find my dad's son because I have very good reason to believe that neither his wife nor his son know about me -but other people might.

You are always going to get conflicting opinions on here. Some people might think it best if your husband doesn't do the test and everything is left alone -but it's only you that can decide how to move forward

If he legally doesn't have to take the test and doesn't want to that's completely up to him.

Your immediate priority is dealing with this bombshell and the impact it is having on you and your children. I presume your children are aware from your comments. The shock and pain this is causing you all is what matters. Your life as you knew it has completely changed.

What the OW is going through is not your problem. Not sure if your husband had been contacted by her prior to the solicitors letter but she knew the impact that letter would have on your family. She is all about protecting herself. Her actions show she had no concerns about the effect it would have on you and your children. She decided to have the affair as did your husband. She engaged a solicitor to send that letter.

The child is also not your concern. You don't need to be told what your husband should or shouldn't do.
Take care of yourself and your children and good luck.

It's possible that the letter was addressed to the husband and the Op opened it as they have a company and she deals with the mail.

If the child is her husbands it should be his concern. If you can get someone pregnant you can deal with the consequences

You love who you thought he was, not who he turned out to be.

Who he turned out to be:

• A cheat.
• Someone who disregards professional ethics by having sex with subordinates, which would be wrong even if he was single.
• Someone who disregards professional ethics by having sex in a trainer-trainee relationship, which would be wrong even if he was single.
• Someone who, upon being told he may have fathered a child, tries to dodge responsibility by hiding behind legal technicalities, which would be wrong even if he was single.

You yourself wrote of your husband "I wish her good luck because he will be an absolute c*nt". For you to write that, he must have been an absolute cunt to you during your marriage.

Raise your standards.

That's the sentence that stood out to me. It makes him sound like a completely unpleasant person.

It’s not OP’s concern. He is free to refuse the test, and he has done just that. OP has zero obligation to play moral crusader for this woman and her child.

——————

OP, no one here can tell you what to do. This is your life, and your decision to make. You need to do what is right for you, no matter whether anyone else approves or not. This is your life, and you’re the one that has to live it. Take your time.

Give her a break.
A few days ago she loved him, and now her life's been turned upside down.
Some people can flick a switch and kick him out, for others it's more complex.
Yes, she probably should kick him out, but she'll be in so much turmoil now, it's natural to still love him, or at least think she does.

With respect this is your opinion and I don't share it. He's free to refuse the test but if the mother gets the courts involved he could be court ordered to. The fact that he has refused it while admitting to sleeping with her presumably around the time she got pregnant really doesn't make him look good.

No. No one can tell her what to do but when you post you'll get opinions.

She doesn't need to play moral crusader for anyone. However. It's completely possible that the reason he's been asked to do this DNA test is because the OWs husband has already done one and it's been established that he's not the father.

Sticking your head in the sand and hoping something is going to go away isn't going to resolve the issue if he is the father of the child.

It's not about being a moral crusader. It's about doing the right thing if it is established he's the father. He doesn't need to get involved in the child's life on any level if he doesn't want to but if you do get someone pregnant -you should at bare minimum step up and pay for the child that you have fathered.

Otherwise you look like a complete dick who was happy enough to sleep with someone on repeat behind your wife's back now you just want it all to go away.

I would struggle with a man that betrayed me like this. However, the fact that he is not willing to do the right thing by this child is worse to me. He obviously knows there is a strong possibility that the child is his which is why he is refusing to do the test. What a horrible human being.

That may be the case, that the legal father now knows that he isn’t the biological one. The woman may try and pursue OP’s husband, or she may actually stop here at his refusal. It wasn’t a court ordered paternity test, after all. OP can only deal with it as it comes, if it comes.

Right now he doesn’t have to do anything for this woman and her child. Unless he’s legally compelled to, he may never have to, no matter how distasteful you consider that to be. Anyone else’s idea as to what his ‘moral duty’ is has no bearing on him whatsoever.

None of this is relevant to the OP, however. That’s his business, it currently isn’t, and may never be, hers.

If the mother gets the court involved. If she tries to he’ll have to deal with it then. She may not.

I don’t expect you to like or share it. And sure, OP invited opinions and I gave mine.

With respect. I have as much right to my opinion on this as you have yes? The reason that I find it " distasteful" as you put it - and those are your words not mine is because I actually know what it's like to have a father who acknowledges one child and not the other. And that I am afraid also does damage to people psychologically. You take the fall out for other peoples cowardice. Because that's what he is. He's a coward who had an affair thinking it was never going to be exposed and he's a coward who is running away rather than meeting a situation he may have caused head on.

Sticking his head in the sand will solve zero -because he'll always wonder if at some point he's going to get a knock at the door and see the adult child he fathered standing there. I chose not to go down that route as an adult but I could have. I could also have tried to contact my dad's son. The reason I did not is because I have always known that it's very likely that my dad's second wife and his son know zero about me.

If you don't expect me to like or share your opinions then maybe don't post telling me what I should or should not be posting or that my opinions are irrelevant

Where did I tell you what you should or shouldn’t post? I disagreed with what you posted which is not the same thing as telling you not to post it.

How this feels, or may or may not feel, in future is not OP’s concern, and nay never have to be. It may indeed be something that just goes away at this point. Unless OP’s husband is legally compelled to engage, he doesn’t have to, even if this kid turns up on the doorstep at some point. No one can say for what will or won’t happen in the future, he can only deal with it if or when it happens.

No you said my post wasn't relevant. I disagree. He can deal with it now by doing the test. And it's not "this kid". Its potentially a child he fathered. If you can acknowledge and support one child you can acknowledge and support them all. It just seems really naive of him to think that sleeping with someone on repeat might not cause a pregnancy. It was fine when he was simply hiding an affair though.

She's married to him. He's already blown the marriage apart. He could solve this by doing the test and finding out that he's actually not the father -why wouldn't you want to know one way or the other ?

Not just for his own sake but for every other person involved. He's had an affair which he lied about and he's refusing to do a DNA test. Really poor behaviour. All round

It’s not relevant because it’s something to tell him, not OP. This kid isn’t her problem and may never be her problem. She is under no obligation to make it her problem either. In OP’s position I wouldn’t be encouraging a DNA test if it potentially meant my own household and children losing income.

He’s free to do exactly as he has done. He doesn’t ’have’ to do anything unless legally compelled to, regardless of how you or anyone else may feel about that.

OP's husband may not give her the luxury of time. There's a good chance that he's already hiding assets and moving them out of OP's reach. He's had six years or more to prepare for his affair being discovered. The OP has been taken by surprise.

"You love who you thought he was, not who he turned out to be" is true. OP will find it easier to act once she recognises this. She cannot trust him to be decent to her or their kids now.

No, she’s not if it’s not a scam. But, if he chooses to ignore the request, then ok. Not your battle to fight, with regard to the other woman.

He should have thought about potentially losing income before he stuck his dick in someone else