Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

Even if it could potentially end your marriage? You would rather lose your marriage than say ‘I’m innocent so I’ll do the test’?

Gosh.

Yeah I agree Op.

The pendulum has swung too far these days.

Of course it isn't the woman who is completely responsible, but the idea that two grown adults are not equally responsible for an affair is ridiculous - and why would you like her in those circumstances.

In this instance, there is the added gloss of her delighting in her pregnancy in front of you. How sick is that - knowing the chances it was your DH's child...

It’s clearly his child . I’d tell him to grow up and do the test. He made his bed he can lie in it.

It’s absolutely both their fault if they had an affair.

I think my issue lies around treatment of the resultant child (if they turn out to be DH child) as none of this is their fault. I would want them to have future contact with their half siblings.

I would be absolutely fucking furious in your position OP. However, I would completely lose respect for DH if he refused to have paternity tests and basically ran away from what is probably his own child. To me that behaviour is as despicable as the original affair.

Even if he relented and had the test and the child isn’t his, you now know what he did and how he reacted to the potential child. I honestly don’t know how anyone can recover from that but I wish you well.

What about OPs children’s feelings? Do they not get a say in this? It may be they wouldn’t want a relationship with the child. It may be the mother doesn’t want her child to have a relationship with their siblings. This is so much more complex than saying ‘well if I was in this situation I would want this’

The child should at least be financially supported by the father and have occasional contact whether it’s through birthday cards and monthly video calls or something. It’s abhorrent for a child to grow up thinking their father washed his hands of them.

Yes those comments were inappropriate really. I guessed it had driven you away.

... and should have lain in his bed, not hers, all along!

Its entirely your prerogative to feel how ever you feel about the woman your DH cheated on you with. I don't think anyone else is qualified, unless they have very specific detail about what exactly happened to comment.
Having said that, i think generally most people would feel an element of anger at both parties, but most reserved for the DH who had a greater responsibility to you and your children.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the OP. It is not her responsibility. Her responsibility is to her children. That’s for the courts to sort out.

It’s the least of my problems right now right now the last thing I want to do is tell my children that they might have a half sibling because their father is a lying cheating asshole.

Right now I need to see if/ how we resolve this and whether I can trust him ever again. My children are already upset because of the situation and the last thing they need is more turmoil and confusion.

I can understand your feelings that your DH child (allegedly) isn't your responsibility and you have your own priorities.
It must be so distressing for you and your children.
Wether you resolve this with your DH and ever trust him again only you can decide.
I dont know if i could . How he behaves now could be an important factor.
What i do know is if a man didn't do the right thing by a child he fathered it would give me the absolute Ick.....

I think it’s easy for people to say what they would or wouldn’t do or what’s right and proper when they don’t expect ever to face the situation themselves. I honestly don’t think I would want my children to have a relationship with their half sibling that was the result of an affair that happened while I was married - and that the mother of whom smiled in my face while she was pregnant with them.

That is not to say I would encourage my DH to hide from responsibility necessarily (or that I would stand in the way if everyone else involved wanted contact), but I would find it extremely difficult to care about that woman/child/half-sibling relationship. Too much is made of having relationships with biological relatives, imo. The woman was married, and this child has been raised by another man. Who says the child even wants to know?

Edited to just add, what if neither the husband nor the child want this test, but the father is trying to stop the mother returning to the UK with their son and she has thrown this bombshell down on them all to try and get her way?

You don’t have to tell them anything yet. He needs to get the test done and face up to his responsibilities.

Not doing the test just pushes the problem into the future. You could have a teen turning up on the doorstep one day. You’ll always be wondering. Just get the thing done! And if it’s not his child you can move on.

I personally think the child has a right to know -if the Ops husband is the father -or a huge part of their life is a lie.

This.

Exactly. This just makes him even worse

Yes maybe the child does a have a right to know, but do we know that the child has asked? The child also has a right not to know.

A close friend of mine has had his parentage questioned, and the man who could be his father is someone known to the family. The man who raised him knows of the potential for this other man to be his son’s real dad. Neither of them have ever sought a dna test and my friend is in his 40s.

The only info here is a request for a DNA test. There is no explanation as to who wants it or why.

I actually agree with not telling your kids, at least just yet. You need to let the dust settle and work out how things will be going forwards. But whatever you think about this other woman and your husband there is an innocent child involved and I could never respect a man who abandoned them. It’s unnatural, irresponsible, and unkind.

He’s had the affair, the damage is done, what you need to look for now is how he tries to repair.

Leaving the child to grow up knowing their father abandoned them when told and said they wouldn’t have anything to do with them is brutal and cruel. No decent man does that to a child

How can a six year old child who potentially does not know what's going on ask anything about who their father might be

The sentence that stood out to me was good luck to her because he will be an absolute c*nt. The same person who was happy enough to have an affair

Sorry? I believe it was you who said the child deserved to know?

If it the husband of the OW who has requested this, I would argue he also deserves to know. But we don’t know who requested it and my point is, what if the child doesn’t want to know? What if the husband and child are happy to be father & son, father & daughter and this is being taken away from them with a dna test. Like I said my friend has never wanted to “know” and neither has his dad. They don’t know what the test would show, but they have been father & son all my friends life and they don’t want to change that.

I was responding to your comment saying about the child asking. The child probably has no clue what's going on.

Why would it be taken away from them. There are plenty of people who bring up kids who aren't theirs.

My point is: the child hasn’t asked then have they? And if they were old enough to understand they might not want to know, which is also their right surely. You might not think it would matter if you had a dna test proving your dad wasn’t your real dad, but someone else might not want that.

I don't see my dad. We have had no contact since I was 3. (His choice ).