Husband blames me for a health concern and I feel conflicted

[AmythestBangle]

My DH is very doctor-phobic and I suspect he has a big fear of becoming ill. He had not been to a doctor for over 10 years until recently, when he had some urinary symptoms and went to the GP and was treated for a UTI. The doctor also took some blood tests including a PSA (prostate specific antigen).

He went back for the test results today and was obviously shocked to hear that the PSA was raised. The doctor did another blood test, as the PSA can be raised by a UTI, among other things, and told him to come back in 2 weeks.

DH is obviously very worried that this could be prostate cancer, and I get it, I have a lot of health anxiety myself, and anyone would be scared by an abnormal PSA, although it could mean a number of things. However, when he got home and told me what had transpired at the doctor's his second remark, after telling me about the PSA result, was that if he has prostate cancer it is my fault because I don't have sex with him often enough. All the sympathy I felt for him in that moment just evaporated and I am struggling not to feel really angry. Obviously I want to be supportive, and normally would be very, but I am really taken aback and don't really know how to feel. I told him that his comment was not on and he said "whatever" and left the room. He hasn't talked to me since. I feel in some turmoil. Worried, concerned but also angry right now. It is more likely that not that he does not have cancer, but if he does is this going to be the narrative, that it is my fault? How does one cope with that?

That's appalling. However scared he is, however badly he wants to lash out, that's completely unacceptable.

Does he give you the silent treatment often?

What. A. Twat.

On so many levels

I wouldn’t be worried or concerned in your shoes

does he have life assurance? If so? I’d be rooting out the docs to check out my entitlement / potential windfall

Wow… that’s so inaccurate. Even if it wasn’t he could have been pleasuring himself. He’s basically cutting his nose off to spite his face as you won’t feel like caring for him now.

Tell him if he's so concerned about his tubing, to stop being such a figurative wanker and start being a literal one.

Indeed!

He has long had periods of telling me how "useless" I am because I don't want to have sex as often as he does (I am in my 60s, he is in his 50s). So that is not new. What really floored me was just pulling this tired old complaint/jibe into a potentially serious health situation. It is likely he is fine, but if he isn't I am going to remember what he said, sure. (To clarify, I don't feel anything would be my fault in any way, but I think what he said was so designed to make me feel guilty, including if it is something serious, and that is hard to take). I need some time to calm down and think about it.

In answer to a question, yes, he does do the silent treatment every now and then, particularly if he has not "got" sex for a few days, as he puts it.

What the doctor might, might, have said or asked was if he regularly ejaculated as there are some links showing regular ejaculation can reduce the risk of prostrate cancer. I wouldn’t get too caught up in this because if you look at the statistics it will be something very small like from 1 in a hundred men to 1.1 in a hundred men.

What the doctor would not have said was it was your fault for not having sex with him enough, and if he was a grunt doctor he could be investigated for this remark.

Him getting older and ignoring his own health, including his own sexual health, will have a greater bearing on his risk than anything you do.

I can’t fucking stand grown men who make their problems the fault of a woman.

Tell him to grow up and take responsibility and do not, do not fell one iota of blame from him.
(Not surprised you don’t want to jump him to be honest)

A perfect response.

Unfortunately the narrative that illness and suffering make people more noble is total fantasy.

Sounds like this will be a rough ride. Of course I hope that he doesn’t have cancer. But if, like my dp, he turns out to need treatment, you’re going to need additional support yourself to be able to bite your tongue if he keeps on lashing out like this.

He’s also likely to pick the most extreme treatment by the sound of it, if they offer a choice. Do encourage him to dig into the detail, though of course it is up to him in the end. But all treatments have consequences.

Well he’s in real trouble as after laughing myself silly I’d never be having sex with this idiot again.

If he thinks that lack of sex causes prostate cancer how does he explain all those monks who DON'T get prostate cancer?

He is totally stupid to have neglected his health. And even more thick to start throwing accusations . How mature .
If he has Cancer, the amount of support to him would be titrated according to his behaviour. What he said was really low.

I really don’t understand why women stay with “men “ like this

You cope by having none of it. Fight back. Tell him he’s ridiculous and nasty, that he’s spent your whole relationship telling you you’re useless and he’s a massive idiot for thinking that would make you want to have sex with him. Etc!

No matter how scared he is, if he's unironically relying on misogyny to get his point across he's very likely a misogynist. And he's either very ignorant of basic health information or believes that you are and wants to take advantage of that. (If it's genuine ignorance, he'll at least get more information if he does get a cancer diagnosis). But it sounds from your follow-up like he has a long history as a sex pest, so yeah, a stressful situation might bring out the worst in him. Keep in mind too that his giving you the silent treatment when you disagree with or challenge him, if it becomes a habit, is a common warning sign for emotional abuse. You can feel sorry for him if he does indeed have cancer, but you don't need to keep a massive liability in your everyday life if it makes you miserable.

No, he isn't super-rich at all! In fact I am the sole breadwinner, although he has been a carer for our son for many years. However, he does have many good qualities. No, I am not going to leave him. (If I was it would have been a while ago when he started this sulking about sex, which was when I became menopausal. I generally just rise above it and ignore his crap, although it does upset me underneath).

If he does have cancer he will no doubt expect to be at least partly guided by what I say in terms of "picking" treatment as I am a doctor and he knows nothing about medicine. So if something goes wrong I suppose it could well be my fault again...

There are some studies that suggest frequency of ejaculation (all ejaculation, not just sex) MAY have a bearing on risk of prostate cancer but it is by no means definite, and other studies fail to demonstrate this. I am sure he has been wildly Googling to find the ones that fit his narrative that I am to blame.

This.

Ha ha! Brilliant!

Two possibilities

• Your selfish DH is lying to make you feel like shit
• Doctor is incompetent (or a dreadful communicator)

When a man talks about not “getting” enough sex my response is usually “what effort are you putting in to make it enjoyable”. It would also make me put my money on option 1.

He is vile. 😡😡. How can you live with this?

Oh, I know everything about his life insurance as I have been the one paying the premiums for 20 years. He wouldn't have a clue who it is with, what the premiums or payout are or anything else about it. But let's not go there yet..