Husband blames me for a health concern and I feel conflicted

[AmythestBangle]

My DH is very doctor-phobic and I suspect he has a big fear of becoming ill. He had not been to a doctor for over 10 years until recently, when he had some urinary symptoms and went to the GP and was treated for a UTI. The doctor also took some blood tests including a PSA (prostate specific antigen).

He went back for the test results today and was obviously shocked to hear that the PSA was raised. The doctor did another blood test, as the PSA can be raised by a UTI, among other things, and told him to come back in 2 weeks.

DH is obviously very worried that this could be prostate cancer, and I get it, I have a lot of health anxiety myself, and anyone would be scared by an abnormal PSA, although it could mean a number of things. However, when he got home and told me what had transpired at the doctor's his second remark, after telling me about the PSA result, was that if he has prostate cancer it is my fault because I don't have sex with him often enough. All the sympathy I felt for him in that moment just evaporated and I am struggling not to feel really angry. Obviously I want to be supportive, and normally would be very, but I am really taken aback and don't really know how to feel. I told him that his comment was not on and he said "whatever" and left the room. He hasn't talked to me since. I feel in some turmoil. Worried, concerned but also angry right now. It is more likely that not that he does not have cancer, but if he does is this going to be the narrative, that it is my fault? How does one cope with that?

Ok, I understand. It's also difficult when you're in that situation, but you must appreciate that we're looking on from outside and we empathise with your situation.

Well, if that’s your view, why are you posting about it here. If you are happy to stay and be miserable, you’re getting what you want.

I’d have left years ago.

I knew people would be saying LTB, of course, but I suppose what I was really interested in was people's views on whether this was really as awful a remark as I perceived it to be. I think the consensus is quite clear! Thank you. I am chewing over how to deal with it both inside my head and with him...

I had one of these. It was fucking awful.

Nothing will hollow you out quite like trying to ''service'' a man like this. These creatures leave a stain on your soul.

OP I guarantee he gets a kick out of having sex he knows you don't want. Every time you have sex you don't want, it's rape.

My Dh is like this, if I tell him he's made a mistake he comes out with the most ridiculous reasons why it's mine or someone else's fault, he's very skilled at this and can do it in an instant. I no longer argue with him when he does it, because I know that he knows it's not true, it's just his way of saving face.
In your situation your Dh is probably scared, thinking it's his own fault but just looking to deflect blame. Obviously no one's done anything wrong and hopefully he'll calm down and apologise

How selfish and hurtful, though. Everyone feels fear and pain, what if we all treated loved ones that badly? An adult should learn to deal with situations rather than hurt loved ones. It's inexcusable.

I'm sorry - I know this is a serious post but it made me laugh. How ridiculous.

I find I need regular breaks from Mumsnet, because it’s so depressing to read about women trapped in marriages with horrible, abusive men.

Usually the women are trapped by (the prospect of) poverty.

You are trapping yourself by the prospect of being less wealthy.

This is not an acceptable stance. The year is 2026 and it sounds like he would prefer it to be 1956.

Women are people with our own rights and own hormones and desires and self respect and everything else. We are not sex dolls for men, and we are not here to give our husbands a hole to ejaculate into regardless of how we feel about it.

It is VERY usual for women's desire for sex to change over the course of our lives. It is also usual for our desire to change in relation to how well and respectfully we are being treated by our partner...

Wives are not responsible for their husband's health and whether or not he looks after it. We are not responsible for him going to the doctor or not, and we are certainly not responsible for the number of times he ejaculates.

It would be me who would be upset with him and he can come to me to apologise for a start.

Maybe suggested he needs to be 'pegged' regularly, to operate more directly on the prostate gland.

My DP is like this too and he never apologises!

Why do you put up with it?

Jesus Christ what an absolute prick

What woman would want to have sex with such a horrible man? He’s obnoxious.

Now you have a good reason to shut up shop completely after that nasty comment.

He is absolutely guilty of coercive sex and an abusive sex pest.
He sees you only in terms of his needs being met.

So depressing that even our medical professionals are still susceptible to it.

I think the figure is that 80% of men age 80 will have an Incidental finding of prostate cancer at autopsy. The majority of cancers are mild and would never cause trouble for a man in his lifetime. It's important to tease out the aggressive ones - which is difficult.

I somehow don't think 80% of men haven't had enough sex in their life to prevent prostate cancer. Perhaps it would be wise to tell him you're very disappointed that he hasn't taken responsibility for his own health through wanking. Both criticisms are equally ludicrous.

GP shouldn't have organised PSA around the time of a bladder infection. That decision is on the GP and it may very well be a false positive result. Sorry it's causing stress for you both and husband is lashing out, which is unfair.

@Kokonimater that is a really stereotypical assumption, it assumes that sex is only for his benefit and only he wants it, which isn't the case. I have a lower libido than his in terms of frequency but I still very much need regular sex in my life. It is a fallacy that postmenopausal women dont want sex at all (well in my case anyway).

You are perhaps unusual though in that his treating you like a sex appliance hasn't put you off him altogether, which it would do for many.

You're also the one with the economic power in the relationship, since he doesn't work and would overall be disadvantaged by divorce.

That makes some difference to the calculus as well.

I don't think your situation is the one we see so often on MN, where a woman is being forced/forcing herself to have sex for fear that her abusive and/or entitled H will leave her and her kids high and dry financially.

But what your H did was most certainly abusive and absolutely unacceptable.

Then I would make it clear he needs to listen to the advice and make his own decision, since you are not about to be blamed if it doesn’t work, which it may not, or if it makes him feel ill, which it may…

Yes I agree. But do you feel sexually attracted to a man who is so unpleasant?

Has his right hand and arm dropped off?

⬆️ this. He sounds absolutely vile. Not sure why you are accepting this and putting up with it

I think this poster highlights the fear so many women have after living with an abusive man for so long - will they not be lonely without them? Maybe you need to build up your own circle and get some real life interests going so that if the worst happens you are prepared to face the world alone. I hope that doesn't sound patronising but as you have money I can only assume that is why you have used the best years of your life caring for this man.

Thank you for illustrating that educated women who hold the economic power in a relationship can be trapped by abusive dynamics. There are plenty of mothers of disabled DC who gave up their careers to care who don’t have this power. And also don’t have the freedom to build a house etc due to caring responsibilities.

You are not working as a team. You have been played. You are being played. Your well-being and that of your joint child do not register with your partner. He does not even take responsibility for his own health. Everything is your responsibility and your fault. What would happen if he were actually ill and couldn’t provide childcare or practical support?