Husband blames me for a health concern and I feel conflicted

[AmythestBangle]

My DH is very doctor-phobic and I suspect he has a big fear of becoming ill. He had not been to a doctor for over 10 years until recently, when he had some urinary symptoms and went to the GP and was treated for a UTI. The doctor also took some blood tests including a PSA (prostate specific antigen).

He went back for the test results today and was obviously shocked to hear that the PSA was raised. The doctor did another blood test, as the PSA can be raised by a UTI, among other things, and told him to come back in 2 weeks.

DH is obviously very worried that this could be prostate cancer, and I get it, I have a lot of health anxiety myself, and anyone would be scared by an abnormal PSA, although it could mean a number of things. However, when he got home and told me what had transpired at the doctor's his second remark, after telling me about the PSA result, was that if he has prostate cancer it is my fault because I don't have sex with him often enough. All the sympathy I felt for him in that moment just evaporated and I am struggling not to feel really angry. Obviously I want to be supportive, and normally would be very, but I am really taken aback and don't really know how to feel. I told him that his comment was not on and he said "whatever" and left the room. He hasn't talked to me since. I feel in some turmoil. Worried, concerned but also angry right now. It is more likely that not that he does not have cancer, but if he does is this going to be the narrative, that it is my fault? How does one cope with that?

He's an adult man, he can email the doctor himself.

When are women going to stop over-functioning for such useless men?

He needs to take responsibility for himself; his choice not to go to the gp for years. Sorry but I'd have laughed in his face. Does he always blame other people for his own mistakes? My dad is like this.

This!!

I know. It's so frustrating.

Oh I won't be emailing the GP. He can get info from the GP if he wants. Or he can ask me for info, or ask what are good sources for reliable info.

@AmythestBangle You sound like you know there is no medical basis for what he said, but does he???

A raised PSA has nothing to do with frequency of sex. Nothing. Zero. It’s not even one of those myths that has a tiny grain of truth - it’s just wrong. PSA can be raised by infection, inflammation, recent ejaculation (within 48 hours), cycling, prostate enlargement, age & medical procedures. But lack of sex does not cause prostate cancer, raised PSA, or anything similar. So medically, his comment is nonsense.

This wasn’t about biology, it was about fear. When people are terrified, they often lash out at the nearest person. It’s primitive, irrational, and deeply unfair, but it’s common. Given that you have said he is doctor‑phobic, suddenly confronted with a scary test result, it looks like he is panicking and looking for a cause he can control. Blaming you gives him a false sense of control: “If this is someone’s fault, maybe it’s fixable.” It’s not logical, it’s fear talking. But fear doesn’t excuse cruelty.

The comment was still deeply hurtful even if he was panicking, he crossed a line. He didn’t say “I’m scared.” or "can you help me process this?” He said:
“If I have cancer, it’s your fault.” That’s not a slip of the tongue. That’s a weaponised accusation. And the “whatever” afterwards shows he wasn’t immediately remorseful.

We all know he would be unreasonable to blame you now let alone for ever if that is your fear but you need to set a boundary now. If you don't address it, he’ll repeat it. I'd say something like “I understand you’re scared, but you don’t get to blame me for your health. That’s not acceptable. You need to understand the changes in my body, be more considerate and perhaps try being a bit more romantic at appropriate times”…then you draw a line.

He may apologise once he’s calmer. He may not. But you’ll have made it clear that this narrative is not allowed to take root.

Absolutely agree. If a grown man in his 50's can care for a disabled child and build a house, he can talk to a doctor like a fucking adult. Give me strength!!

What makes you think he would listen to you now when he came in like a bull in a china shop and wrongly blamed you for his issues? Is he usually impulsive and ill-informed, as well as a sex pest?

Almost every man in his 50's has a raised PSA. Doesn't mean anything sinister 90% of the time.

not most of the time, but he does has a (years-long) bee in his bonnet about his need to have sex whenever he wants to, without any apparent thought as to whether I do, and seems to have a blind spot about upsetting me in relation to this.

No OP, there's no blind spot. He knows, he just doesn't care.

Firstly tell him that sex has no bearing on this. Secondly tell him 10 years is too long to go without going to the Dr.

prostate cancer is very manageable when caught early. He should have gone to the dr sooner. I am raging for you.

'A few days' ? How often are you having sex!?

@absolutelynottoday he is likely to become more reasonable when he has calmed down. He is a very reactive and emotional person (although he would dispute that) and he is particularly terrified of health problems (as was his mother, who died of cancer because she refused to admit it had recurred or needed treatment). But I am not going to jump in with any discussion of this unless he asks. Given his attitude I am going to ignore the issue for now.

Sex about once a week when I am at home. Less if I have to go away.

@upsidedowninsideandout he knows very well what I think of his doctor avoidance. Two of his sisters have colon cancer, one is terminal, and yet he had steadfastly refused to have a colonoscopy. I have given up nagging him. His daughter, who is also a doctor, still tries but gets nowhere.

@Barkoof as I said, we have a son, he also has two daughters from his first marriage.

OK, taking a step back to see things from your situation, I remember that my sister has ridiculous health anxiety - and it's easy to forget how much of a hold that can take on a person. He does need to own his behaviour though and he owes you an apology, as well as a commitment to making sure that he gets help with his issues. If you work in healthcare then there may be a scheme for family which allows them to access therapy? It would be starting point - a line needs to be drawn today as he has crossed the boundary with this one massively. Hope it works out for you (and him, I suppose!)

I‘m sorry @AmythestBangle . I would feel terrible. Does he generally lash out when he’s scared?
Also 2 things I would add: it’s important to understand the difference between correlation and causation. They aren’t the same thing.
and 2 even if it was the cause it’s not your job to be at his command you have autonomy over your body and his wants don’t trump yours.

Hes emotionally abusive.

How bizarre he’s worried about possible cancer and the first thing he thinks of is having sex (or not)?! Would not even remotely be on my radar in that situation.

No, normally it's shock and anxiety, then talking to your loved one. Especially if she's a doctor. That blame thing is horrible.

There is some linkage regarding frequency of ejaculation and developing prostate cancer, but not proven. There's also a UK study showing the opposite.

He could have been taking care of his health and getting screened regularly. If he was so worried, he could masturbate.

He sure went straight to misogyny and I knew this was going to happen when I saw those studies. If you don't fuck me enough, I'll get cancer used to coerce women into sex.

If you're not going to leave him, there's nothing to be done. He can blame you til the cows come home and it won't change anything. Just tell that motherfucker ejaculation does not = sex.

You should leave him. Don’t put up with being called ‘useless’.