Husband blames me for a health concern and I feel conflicted

[AmythestBangle]

My DH is very doctor-phobic and I suspect he has a big fear of becoming ill. He had not been to a doctor for over 10 years until recently, when he had some urinary symptoms and went to the GP and was treated for a UTI. The doctor also took some blood tests including a PSA (prostate specific antigen).

He went back for the test results today and was obviously shocked to hear that the PSA was raised. The doctor did another blood test, as the PSA can be raised by a UTI, among other things, and told him to come back in 2 weeks.

DH is obviously very worried that this could be prostate cancer, and I get it, I have a lot of health anxiety myself, and anyone would be scared by an abnormal PSA, although it could mean a number of things. However, when he got home and told me what had transpired at the doctor's his second remark, after telling me about the PSA result, was that if he has prostate cancer it is my fault because I don't have sex with him often enough. All the sympathy I felt for him in that moment just evaporated and I am struggling not to feel really angry. Obviously I want to be supportive, and normally would be very, but I am really taken aback and don't really know how to feel. I told him that his comment was not on and he said "whatever" and left the room. He hasn't talked to me since. I feel in some turmoil. Worried, concerned but also angry right now. It is more likely that not that he does not have cancer, but if he does is this going to be the narrative, that it is my fault? How does one cope with that?

He is a generally good father, although can be a little quick to react emotionally, which can be less than ideal for a young child or one with disabilities. His adult daughters take him as he is and have good relationships with him, although they are closer to me than they are to him (I brought them up).

Your husband is a dick. He is lucky you are around supporting him. I would be long gone if a man kept calling me “useless”.

Well women get all sorts of cancers related to sexual activity so it's swings and roundabouts really. 🤔 Tell him you're worried about vaginal, cervical and throat cancers so you don't want to have sex as often.

I feel concerned that you may even question such an appalling comment. It is disgraceful that after ignoring his health so long he then tries to blame you when there is no evidence whatsoever that lack of sex causes prostate cancer. Think carefully about what may happen if he does have it as you are going to need a lot of support to manage his inevitable rage and accusations. Seek professional support.

He's basically telling you that if he dies, it's all your fault. It's so manipulative and unkind. He's trying to guilt you into letting him have sex with you whenever he wants it, even if you don't.

You are trying to tell us about all his good points, but I couldn't get past this.

OP, his lashing out at you like that is emotionally abusive as is silent treatment about sex.
Coercive sex is a crime and Ireland has recently reported on some awful cases since it has gone on the books.

How would you respond to a patient telling your story?

In your place I would be moving into another room and taking space.

I appreciate your situation is complex with a child with additional needs, and you have no wish to separate.

But taking space and laying down very firm boundaries on what you will and will not accept is possible.

Mind yourself, he sounds like a tedious arse.

How does that make him a good father???

Jesus Christ, I’d be telling the stupid little
sex-pest that he clearly has some kind of dementia too to make such a stupid comment. He’s weaponising a potential
illness to get you to shag him more. What a twat.

Are you sure you wouldn’t be happier without him, just think you could have a peaceful home with no one pestering you, irritating you, giving you the silent treatment or talking bollocks. You are allowed to leave you know!

Oh god. So you’ve done more to raise his older children than he has and he’s a dick to his disabled younger child too then. And you earn the money and are called “useless” and given the silent treatment for (understandably) not wanting sex?

Again, are you sure the balance here is in favour of maintaining the relationship rather than running a mile screaming?

It's hardly new on MN is it - OP - "My DH is a dickhead" MN - "yes he bloody well is". OP "You've got him all wrong!! He's a good man and is a great dad".

Rinse and repeat.

If your in your 50s and 60s surely at this point he's doing a grand total of fuck all when he should be working to ease the pressure on you of being the breadwinner

I think some women just have really low self esteem and a very low bar for men. This man seems awful in every way, but she can't see it.

Holy cow! Once a week is freaking amazing! I turned 53 today and my husband and I are lucky for once a year. I know that is absolutely awful, I have been struggling a lot with depression and such.
P.s. what kind of doctor are you?

Once a week? Goodness me, that's hardly a dead bedroom is it? I thought you'd say it was monthly, if that! No, I could not accept this. You deserve much better.

What an idiot. His health is his responsibility, he's just trying to blame someone else for the fact that he never has check-ups, thus problems could develop without being detected early. Hopefully he's OK.

@nrp2 he is not doing fuck all, he is spending every day seven days a week working on the house, when he is not looking after and running around after our son at the times when I am away. He also does all the shopping, cooking, car fixing etc etc. I am not trying to big him up but want to be clear that this is a man with a specific awful behaviour and attitude which needs to be dealt with, not a freeloader, which would be another whole thing.

@DecisionTime123 I am pondering a specific area of his personality and behaviour, which is absolutely unacceptable but which is the context of other good points, which I think is important. I have considered leaving though, but as I described upthread this would be a real shitshow for all our lives. I prefer at the moment to consider how to deal with this in a non-nuclear fashion. (I did leave my first husband, much to his fury).

Honestly, this is the best comment 😂

@KarminaBurana he is not awful in every way. He is beyond awful in one specific way.

@LadyVenia I would prefer not to say what kind of doctor I am as it is a very niche field which has particularly a very small number of women in it. I would be pretty identifiable.

What a twat.

The sex pest and manosphere stuff is awful, and blaming you for him having elevated PSA is grotesque and incredibly manipulative.

But I understand that you're having to balance everything due to DS and your comfortable life. It's easy to say LTB but there is so much at stake in most marriages that most women will keep trying and trying to get through to their jerk H until the woman runs out of hope and energy and either leaves or moves to a quiet divorce (which is staying in a legally intact marriage but accepting the emotional connection between partners has effectively ended).