Husband blames me for a health concern and I feel conflicted

[AmythestBangle]

My DH is very doctor-phobic and I suspect he has a big fear of becoming ill. He had not been to a doctor for over 10 years until recently, when he had some urinary symptoms and went to the GP and was treated for a UTI. The doctor also took some blood tests including a PSA (prostate specific antigen).

He went back for the test results today and was obviously shocked to hear that the PSA was raised. The doctor did another blood test, as the PSA can be raised by a UTI, among other things, and told him to come back in 2 weeks.

DH is obviously very worried that this could be prostate cancer, and I get it, I have a lot of health anxiety myself, and anyone would be scared by an abnormal PSA, although it could mean a number of things. However, when he got home and told me what had transpired at the doctor's his second remark, after telling me about the PSA result, was that if he has prostate cancer it is my fault because I don't have sex with him often enough. All the sympathy I felt for him in that moment just evaporated and I am struggling not to feel really angry. Obviously I want to be supportive, and normally would be very, but I am really taken aback and don't really know how to feel. I told him that his comment was not on and he said "whatever" and left the room. He hasn't talked to me since. I feel in some turmoil. Worried, concerned but also angry right now. It is more likely that not that he does not have cancer, but if he does is this going to be the narrative, that it is my fault? How does one cope with that?

I would go fucking mental about this. Ok, so you dont want to end the relationship, but I would hit the roof and make it clear the comment, the mentality, the sulking is not going to continue and he needs to fix his face and his attitude fast.

Yes, I know all that about prostate cancer, and if he hadn't said this awful thing to me pretty much as soon as he walked into the house, I would have sat him down and explained all that carefully to him and been as reassuring and sympathetic as possible. As it was, he seems to have preferred to Google in the car for a while, than come home and hit me with the blame. I told him it was not on and didn't say anything about it to him after that. I don't feel inclined to either.

(Just to be fair to him: he has not been "living on my salary" any more than a woman who has stayed at home to care for a child does. It was not financially feasible for him to continue his career after our son was born. And in recent years he has been full-time building/reconstructing our house, thereby saving an enormous amount of money which did not have to be spent on roofers, builders etc. I have no quibble with the financial side of things and never have. I would never bring that into any argument).

Men who have plenty of sex also get prostate cancer.

You must understand that you're worth more than this. It sounds as if your self worth has been completely eroded.
Silent treatment, blame, his attitude to sex? He sounds horrible and you shouldn't live like this.

This.
My now exDH was incapable of kindness when he was stressed and blamed me for all sorts. One complaint tipped me over the edge and I realised that if he got cancer I wouldn’t care. It was precisely that sentence that went through my head. That was the end of my marriage.

@frozendaisy sorry, I missed your comment earlier. No, the doctor said nothing about that. Husband found it on Googling, no doubt selectively looking for a way to blame me so as to deflect from his anxiety and fear.

What right does he have to blame you? How long has he treated you like an emotional punchbag?

As it was, he seems to have preferred to Google in the car for a while, than come home and hit me with the blame.

So he either googled "can prostate cancer be caused by lack of sex" or his algorithm automatically sent him to the kinds of sites that blame women withholding sex for prostate cancer. Wonder what rabbit hole he has gone down.

Just to add, it would be almost impossible to leave him. I absolutely refuse to leave my house, on which I have spent my entire life savings and more, and he won't leave either, especially as he has pretty much built it single-handed. And we have our disabled son. He would no doubt take me for plenty too, given he voluntarily gave up a professional career and spent years at home with our son with no income. Also, in Ireland you have to live apart for 2 years to even start divorce proceedings. It is just not a viable plan. I guess I just wanted to check with the good citizens of MN that I am not being unreasonable to be livid about this. I will continue to lie in the bed I have made though.

I suppose there will have to be a bitter argument at some point but I don't feel up to it today (I will probably wait until the blood results come back at least).

@Pallisers I think that is precisely what he did. I have caught him voicing some manosphere-adjacent nonsense from time to time.

There's a lot of barriers there, but you know what? Sometimes it's better to have materially less and a better quality of life. You can make decisions about your son and the house, it's not going to be easy, bit nothing is insurmountable.
What you need to consider is your own wellbeing in this horrible set up with this nasty, controlling man. You have options.

The doctor shouldn’t be doing a PSA during a uti.

You have sex roughly once a week? Even ignoring how he is behaving in relation to the health scare, the behaviour you describe that has been going on for years (him complaining about not having sex whenever he feels like it, without reference to your feelings) is very bad - he should have been told long ago that it is not acceptable.

was that if he has prostate cancer it is my fault because I don't have sex with him often enough

That is batshit and horrible.

Your husband is a bellend.

Urgh - sorry you're having to deal with this. I don't know if you've already made it clear to him that he has given you the massive ick - but if not, please do. That man needs to apologise to you, not just through words but actions as well. I sincerely hope you won't be giving him his weekly sex, when you aren't in the mood. Love goes both ways and he's killed the mood there anyway - what a prick!

I would wait until he is calm then tell him you get that he is scared but you won't tolerate him lashing out and taking it out on you and ps get his facts straight next time.

I wouldn't say I was unhappy. I do have some times of intense annoyance which could be avoided by a bit of thought in his part, and sometimes I do get a bit down about that. I have plenty of positive things in my life, yes, including even a lot of the time spent with him when he is not being a arse. He has done a lot of positive things for my life over the years, but he can also be such a prick. Not much in the past has come close to trying to blame me for him potentially having cancer though. That really is beyond the pale and it really shocked me.

Absolutely preposterous. I'd never do it with him again!

I’d be emailing his doctor explaining that DH thinks his levels and potential cancer is due to not having enough sex and can the GP offer him reassurance that this is not the case.

@Gall10, the UTI was weeks ago now, and the doctor is repeating the PSA to see if it was UTI related. (I think the GP was so surprised to see a patient in his 50s who had been on his books for nearly 7 years and had never come in once, that he wanted to jump in and do as many investigations as possible!).

It's vile and inexcusable, and he needs to know that.

@Sunshineandgrapefruit I suspect that is what I will do.