Husband blames me for a health concern and I feel conflicted

[AmythestBangle]

My DH is very doctor-phobic and I suspect he has a big fear of becoming ill. He had not been to a doctor for over 10 years until recently, when he had some urinary symptoms and went to the GP and was treated for a UTI. The doctor also took some blood tests including a PSA (prostate specific antigen).

He went back for the test results today and was obviously shocked to hear that the PSA was raised. The doctor did another blood test, as the PSA can be raised by a UTI, among other things, and told him to come back in 2 weeks.

DH is obviously very worried that this could be prostate cancer, and I get it, I have a lot of health anxiety myself, and anyone would be scared by an abnormal PSA, although it could mean a number of things. However, when he got home and told me what had transpired at the doctor's his second remark, after telling me about the PSA result, was that if he has prostate cancer it is my fault because I don't have sex with him often enough. All the sympathy I felt for him in that moment just evaporated and I am struggling not to feel really angry. Obviously I want to be supportive, and normally would be very, but I am really taken aback and don't really know how to feel. I told him that his comment was not on and he said "whatever" and left the room. He hasn't talked to me since. I feel in some turmoil. Worried, concerned but also angry right now. It is more likely that not that he does not have cancer, but if he does is this going to be the narrative, that it is my fault? How does one cope with that?

Absolutely, hes got a hand hasnt he?!

seriously, id be out if he said this to me. What an idiot

@PocketSand yes, a good point, I think it does illustrate that. I suppose it is exposing the potential curtailing and limits of feminism even in the present day. I am a good example of a woman who looks outwardly like I have the greater power of the two of us, both within the relationship and in the world in general (economically, social capital etc).That is definitely what friends and colleagues would think. But behind that misogyny creeps in and persists. Or so it seems.

I don't actually choose, or want, a power imbalance in my own favour (at least I don't consciously think that I do). But perhaps there is actually no way for men and women to have a truly equal-powered relationship? I have been pondering this, thinking about it in a wider context than my own husband's shitty attitude on some topics.

"He does not even take responsibility for his own health. Everything is your responsibility and your fault. What would happen if he were actually ill and couldn’t provide childcare or practical support?"

Yes, the sex pestering and manosphere attitude are bad enough, but the lack of care about his health is also fucking irresponsible. He has a disabled son who will likely need help well into adulthood, ergo he's got to make sure that he lives long enough in GOOD HEALTH to help the child, who he CHOSE to bring into the world, for as long as he can.

And who will look after him if he has a stroke or heart attack and becomes disabled himself? He knows it'll be OP: he doesn't care that she'll have to run around well into her older age looking after an invalid. He doesn't care a whit that her quality of life will be diminished. Because in his misogynistic mind, that's why women exist: to serve men.

He is utterly selfish to disregard his health like this.

The other day I read a post by a guy (American) who works 14 hour days 6 days a week, eats nothing during the day, and then has 3 platefuls of food at night. He said he didn't need to the doctor because he was "providing" for his family, and if he died before he retired his family would get his life insurance, so he'd still be "providing" for them. And if he made it to retirement, he'd get fit then! 🙄He got super angry and deleted his account when a legion of comments told him he was being ridiculous, and that not looking after yourself doesn't necessarily mean you'll die young: mostly, it means that you'll spend a long time in shit health, unable to work, and being a burden on your wife and kids and the healthcare system.

Ages ago, I told my H, who has high hard-to-control BP, which runs strongly in his family: I will look after you if things go wrong but you have to everything you possibly can to keep yourself in good health, including eating right, exercising, maintaining a reasonable weight, and going to the doctor. I'm not a martyr and I will not be looking after a reckless male fool for whatever time I have left in my life. Having seen his own father wreck his health and linger in terrible health for 20 years, my H didn't need to hear this a second time.

I met a lady who was a lawyer and had been educated at Harvard. She earns in the £150K p.a. region. Her husband learnt around £85K - of which she never saw a penny and had no idea where it went.

As she was talking, I realised she was being coercively controlled and wasn't even aware of it. I pointed it out and explained it to her. She thought it was okay that her (now ex) husband only 'let' her have a couple of hundred pounds a month to spend, amongst other controlling behaviours.

Have a think about your personal values and boundaries and whether he is crossing those lines. Personally, I can't stand sexually coercive behaviour. It is a total turn-off.

What I'd be interested in is whether he has a need to blame someone else for whatever goes wrong with him/his life. Why does there need to be someone or something to blame if he does have prostate cancer? Why can't it just 'be'?

The need to blame another person strays into the DARVO territory and is a red flag. It makes me think there are likely other areas of your relationship where he is demonstrating emotionally and psychologically abusive behaviours.

I haven’t read the whole thread but what a sickening comment

How do women end up married to men like this

@GottaBeStrong I am definitely not being financially coercively controlled but this whole episode and the discussion here has made me think more about the other forms of coercive control, certainly.

I didn't think you were - based upon what you said. And thank goodness for that!

I was replying to the other commenter who remarked how easy it is to find oneself in a coercive and controlling situation - no matter one's level of education and one's background.

There are literally women from all walks of life using my local DA/DV service.