DH cheated, DS1 knows, DS2 doesn’t, how to we deal with this?

[SouthernHemi]

I need to sit down and tell the children that their father and I are getting divorced. I’ve been looking online for advice on the best way to do this. One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere. I’m ok with this, I want to do what’s best for my children. Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity and DS1 (12yo) unfortunately knows about this infidelity (due to STBXH being indiscreet). DS2 (10yo) does not know. When sitting us all down to tell them about the divorce, I’m envisioning lots of “but why?” questions in the moment and due to DS1 knowing I feel like we’ll be gas lighting him here if the real reason isn’t alluded to, even if it’s just “daddy broke some promises” kind of line. I’m also concerned about DS1, having to hold this back from DS2. It feels like more lies are being created within the family and we’re pulling DS1 into it all. But all the advice says don’t lay the blame on anyone when telling the children, but what happens when one of them already knows why the divorce is happening? As I said, I really don’t want to drag them both through it, I just don’t want DS1 to feel like he’s holding a big secret because that’s hugely damaging in itself. I will be getting counselling for him whatever happens. For the children’s future happiness, what’s the best thing to do here?

Given your 12-year-old knows about the cheating (I'm assuming from seeing the apps/messages?), and so knows it's his dad's fault and that his dad has behaved terribly, it's only a matter of time before it comes out in an argument, and the 10-year-old knows too.

So you can't protect your children from being upset by their father's bad behaviour by taking on some of the blame yourself. The only thing that works is an age appropriate version of the truth, coming from your husband in your presence.

Are they a young 10, or a more savvy 10? Because most 10-year-olds are aware of the concept of monogamy, and cheating. Whatever you do, don't tell them any lies - it'll just confuse your older child, and won't help.

But he is to blame. You both should tell the kids together. You can be factual without apportioning blame as such. Personally, I wouldn't sugar coat it, kids their age are much more accepting and resilient than you think. Whatever you say they're going to be upset for a while, but they’ll soon adjust.

I hope your ‘d’h appreciates how you're handling this for him, I hope he returns the favour going forward.

Do not under any circumstances protect the cheating scumbag as what will result here is your kid not understanding why bad mum is divorcing poor heartbroken dad and he’ll resent you. Basic facts, no frills, map out the way forward and answer any questions honestly and age appropriately then get on with your life, giving them as much say in how that’s structured as you can. Sorry op, you’ve been dealt a shit hand

It’s entirely possible and in my view preferable to hold the dad to account whilst also not making it overly hostile.

I really admire how my mum handled my cheating father and the divorce. I think she did a great job. She couldn’t avoid us knowing due to the nature of how it all came out, but I think she’d have told us anyway. I’d have felt very put out to be kept in the dark, I think.

I also think I’d have found the “your dad is going to be with someone else and it’s all very sad but everything is okay” a bit weird as well. It’s a bit gaslighty. It’s not okay to cheat on someone and I think a ten year old knows that - I’d have felt like I was going mad if everyone pretended it was okay. I also think children should grow up knowing that it’s clearly wrong to be unfaithful. My mum was reasonably open about how hurt she was. I was very angry with my dad, and did very much blame him - still do! I am glad I was able to process those emotions in an open and healthy way. It meant I could move on with my relationship with my dad without anything unsaid, and without awkwardness.

I am glad my mum was open about her feelings.

My mum was, however, militant about friends and wider family not badmouthing my dad in front of me and my siblings. I think this was a very sensible thing, as it meant I never felt like I was embarrassed or awkward about seeing my dad and still loving him!

Seriously? Are you really saying a woman needs to take some responsibility for her husband having an affair?

I don't agree with this. Someone can have a spouse who treats them well and still get bored of monogamy.

@Vallies, you've posted quite a few times implying that the OP did something wrong. Have you cheated before, or are you in a relationship with someone who's cheated on other women?

People fuck around because they want to. That's always the entire reason. They always have choices, and if they choose betrayal it's because they're a betrayer who wanted to fuck around.

Never, ever, ever take any blame or hide anything for an abuser. He fucked his marriage up, he is untrustworthy, a liar, a betrayer and has low character. Your children definitely DO deserve to know this. Just the basics, obviously. But do NOT take the blame for this and do NOT let him try to blame you. They have a right to know the character of their father.

Just tell them the simple facts and don't try to make excuses for him, or come up with reasons. This is what he did. I don't know why.

And don't say "daddy loves you both very much" or any such shit either. No he doesn't. He wouldn't have stuck his cock in a random if he loved them more than he loved an orgasm. Let him figure out how to try to explain his horrific choices.

It's also dreadful to expect one of your kids to lie about this and hide it from anyone else, let alone their sibling. That's not their job at all.

And your ex will be lying to absolutely everyone about you, making you the monster. He is your enemy and he cannot be trusted.

Protect yourself. There is nothing wrong with telling the truth. If people want to be spoken well of, they can behave well.

Not at all. Unfortunately cheating is rife .. esp of this kind.

I think honesty with the kids is the best thing you can do - and I don't agree that you should be apportioned any blame whatsoever here, you haven't done anything wrong. And it minimises the cheating - that's not a good message to send to your boys, they need to know how wrong it is so they don't grow up thinking it's okay to cheat on their future partners.

The idea that someone must have driven their spouse to cheat is outdated and victim-blaming. No marriage is perfect, but even if their partner is loving and supportive, many people are going to find the thrill of meeting someone new more exciting than the later stages of a relationship. You can be a wonderful spouse and still get cheated on.

Well, the truth is that he did a bad thing. There's no getting away from that and you can't protect them from that, really. That is just the fact of it.

But you don't have to say "He did a bad thing so we all hate him forever and he's the worst person in the world and a complete lying cheating bastard".

You can just say "He did a bad thing. I know it's sad, but we have to break up, because we can't repair things now".

Do you see the difference?

Yes, it is his fault either way - that's just the truth. It is. But you don't have to actively badmouth him and shout him down in front of your children.

Tell them what he did, and let them draw their own conclusions about how they feel.

They might blame him, they might not - that's up to them. You are not swaying them.

The important part is that you don't offload on them about how you feel and what you think, or try to get them to take your 'side' and hate him.

They might naturally do that anyway, but you leave it up to them.

For me, my DS was very young when we divorced and when he was a little older, he asked why. Same as you, my XH was actively out looking for sex.
I think some men just do. They could have the perfect home life but they just want variety and so they fuck around. Not more complex than that.
My suggestion is to say something similar to what I did then, which is openly talk about blame and 'sides'.
I said something like:
your dad and I both love you more than anything. Grown up relationships can be complicated. If we start going into who did what then you might end up feeling like you have to take sides and we don't want to put you in the middle. We don't think that's fair to you.
I will always be honest if you genuinely want to know the answer to any question but sometimes I might also say that it's private or complicated grown up stuff and to ask me again when you're older if you still want to know.
Since the cat is already out the bag, I'd include something like 'Because I don't want anyone put in an awkward position and keep secrets, I do need to let you know that your dad been involved with another woman and you can ask me questions if you like and I'll answer as honestly as I can'
That way you can make sure your elder DS isn't put in a position to keep the secret but also don't need to share all the dirty details or assign blame.
Children are sharp and this is the beginning of the rest of their relationship with both of you. They'll come to their own conclusions based on how you and he behave in the coming months and years.

I think when it comes to children of that age it’s not really about explaining the ‘why’s’ it’s more about reassuring them about the changes that are about to come, and making sure they know that none of it is their fault and that it doesn’t change the way both parents feel about the children, if they do ask why you don’t have to lie but you can be vague and say you want different things in life now, but really it’s about the children feeling secure.

I was in a similar situation; our dd had guessed (before me, even though she was hinting!) and our son had not. When I found out the full details I was extremely pissed off, but all I said was that their dad had met someone else and we were going to break up. Since then I've always made it clear that although I was very pissed off at the time, and their dad didn't handle it well, it's normal for people to break up and he's not a monster; we were together for 20 years so obviously I thought well of him. I made sure not to mention any of the nastier things their dad did or said. They have a good relationship with him as adults and see him realistically as a person with flaws like all of us.
I think the trick is not to badmouth their entire character (!) but to be open enough about it, as they will be discussing this in private, together and with their friends who inevitably have similar stories.

Tell as much of the truth as age appropriate.

This will inevitably cast blame on their Dad. But he is to blame, them's the facts. You can avoid making negative comments about Dad going forward and you can facilitate your DC in respecting the better parts of Dad's character. But he will be taking the blame for this.

Eventually, everyone will know the story. You can and should feel free to tell it like it is to your adult friends and family. Your older ds will likely already have told his friends whatever he knows. They will tell their friends. News will spread.

Dad will need to repair his relationship with his sons. He has split apart their family. He needs to approach this with honesty and humility and a desire to salvage his relationship with his DC. If he chooses differently, then once again the blame is his.

I had a family member who cheated on his wife (repeatedly). He and his wife told their only DC a no-blame fantasy of the divorce so Dad saved face. When DC became a teen and began to repeat the lies about Mum that his Dad had fed him over the years, an army of uncles and aunties and cousins set him straight, because they all knew the actual reasons for divorce. It shattered his image of his Dad, who was now guilty of cheating AND lying. It was indeed destabilising.

My exH and i split when the kids were 4 and 8. He had had multiple affairs. We worked through the first 2 for the damily, then he did it again. Everything i read said not to blame and to protect them so they could have a relationship with their dad. So my ex led the conversation and told them we just didn't get along anymore and wanted to be friends... i wouldn't recommend this as they didnt understand why as we had been getting along fine as I had no idea and I most certainly did not want to be friends. This led to about a year or more of me having to be friends with my ex who was also treating me like absolutely crap during the divorce. Turns out my youngest ended up blaming me as she felt sorry for her dad who initially moved out (he did later get the house, long story!) So that was tricky. And my eldest has had a tough time as he had to work out by himself that his dad doesn't treat people right. It's been rough tbh!
So, given your circumstances and their ages, I would advise gentle honesty

Laying the facts out in an age appropriate way is not laying blame.

You surely expect ds1 to own up and explain if he broke an expensive piece of equipment in the home, or for ds2 to own the fact he damaged ds1's games console as examples. Whilst the situation and emotion may be different the basics of the explanation remain the same.

It needs to be matter of fact, so daddy has been meeting other people outside the marriage for sex. This is not something that is acceptable or forgiveable behaviour and so we are divorcing. His behaviour is against me as his wife. Not against you as his chikdren. This doesn't impact how either of us feels about you and we will work together to ensure minimal impact on you both.

There was no affair when dd's dad and ibsplit. But we were hiwnst with our joint child and his older ones about the fact we had stopped loving each other and were making each other unhappy and the best thing for everyone was for us to split. We are still friends. (Even though he drives me bonkers) and I still have a very close relationship with my step kids.

Done right it will strengthen your relationship but do not lie, do not embellish and try not to placate things or sweeten the truth to protect the kids. Bit will backfire, if not now then as the enter teens and adulthood

You don't think him shagging several people he's met online isn't the cause of the separation?

But why are we trying not to 'blame' him? It's his fault. Deffo tell a version closer to the truth

I think this is good advice

There’s no way you can tell the truth without blame because there is blame. It is up to your ex to repair his relationship with his children however, so don’t take that on your shoulders. For a 10 year old I would say “Daddy broke some important promises that you make in a marriage” You could try the passive voice “ some important promises were broken” but your 10 year old might ask more questions

Mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore might suffice as it doesn't place blame on either party. It falls short on the underlying reason why though, but at least it is an honest explanation if neither of you want to try relationship counselling and overcoming the underlying issues.

Very hard to suggest anything.

a family therapist once told me family secrets are bad for dynamics - you must tell the youngest not fair to oldest he carries that secret

I think there’s a difference between blaming someone and sharing age-appropriate facts.
This is just my instinct, but as one child knows, and they are close in age, it’s going to be difficult (maybe further down the line) when the second child finds out (and I’d be 99% sure that they will).

There’s a difference between ‘Daddy did this and he’s a terrible person’ and ‘Daddy has chosen a lifestyle that doesn’t fit with the promises we made each other so we have decided to separate’.

Obviously there is no ideal here because he’s done what he’s done and even with the softer framing, the children may blame him, and also want you to forgive him. But if you take an adult stance about it and take that stance repeatedly, then it’s more likely to be better for the children in the long run.

Also, I think the father should be leading this discussion, e.g. ‘I’ve made some choices that go against what marriage should be’ (he can tell them he regrets it if he does) and you doing the supporting lines, e.g. ‘yes, Daddy has done this, but what matters is that we love you both and will still both be there for you’ (etc).