DH cheated, DS1 knows, DS2 doesn’t, how to we deal with this?

[SouthernHemi]

I need to sit down and tell the children that their father and I are getting divorced. I’ve been looking online for advice on the best way to do this. One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere. I’m ok with this, I want to do what’s best for my children. Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity and DS1 (12yo) unfortunately knows about this infidelity (due to STBXH being indiscreet). DS2 (10yo) does not know. When sitting us all down to tell them about the divorce, I’m envisioning lots of “but why?” questions in the moment and due to DS1 knowing I feel like we’ll be gas lighting him here if the real reason isn’t alluded to, even if it’s just “daddy broke some promises” kind of line. I’m also concerned about DS1, having to hold this back from DS2. It feels like more lies are being created within the family and we’re pulling DS1 into it all. But all the advice says don’t lay the blame on anyone when telling the children, but what happens when one of them already knows why the divorce is happening? As I said, I really don’t want to drag them both through it, I just don’t want DS1 to feel like he’s holding a big secret because that’s hugely damaging in itself. I will be getting counselling for him whatever happens. For the children’s future happiness, what’s the best thing to do here?

Yes, if I were OP, I would both want him to do the explaining BUT be there myself too; and make it clear to him beforehand that I would be interjecting if I believed he was deliberately misrepresenting or minimising the facts.

Otherwise, it will be a case of "I don't want to burden them with unnecessary or upsetting details" which translates as "I want to weasel out of it by framing it in a dismissive way that doesn't make me look like I was really to blame".

I 100% agree with you. That’s how I’d play it.

I would tell them separately. That way they can both ask questions and ds1 does not need to hold any responsibility. You need to be honest with ds2 or neither of them will thank you for it in the future. It does sound like ex is kind of to blame so maybe he should be expecting some come back!

Yes ofcourse. But if you want the children to continue having a good relationship with their father it's better not to poison them against him. And it's possible to be a lousy husband but a good father.

I think you're worrying unnecessarily. My children were older when I divorced their father but they all had free choice as to what and when they knew stuff and they were told that their sibling didn't want to know so they kept quiet. It took a few months for the last child to say they wanted to know. They all sided with me without knowing anything and without me asking them to.

But then you run the real risk of children - possibly slightly less so at their ages - thinking that if you arbitrarily decide that you don't love them anymore, you might want to 'break up with' (and stop living with) them.

I think it can actually bring some consolation and reassurance for children when they clearly understand that the negative consequences could only have arisen as a result of a bad choice that an adult made, and it isn't something that they themselves as children could do - by accident or on purpose.

How much does DS1 know?!

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If your 12 year old knows it won't be long before his brother does too. Better all around that you explain and be upfront. Well -maybe not for your DH but he made his bed.

What exactly does DS1 know? If it is something he discovered that is potentially traumatising or very inappropriate I think you could explain to him why DS2 doesn’t know the details. if he for example saw his dad kissing someone else in the street I would go with the ‘weren’t getting on, dad met someone else’ line. I wouldn’t worry too much about the ‘blame’ between you both - their opinions on that may ebb and flow over time the important thing is clarity so that they don’t blame themselves.

A lot of people don't like to believe this though.

You need to sit down and STBXH needs to explain to the boys that he’s leaving and why.

He doesn’t need to go into detail about the apps and sex.

Just he’s not happy and has made some mistakes and he needs to move out. That he will support you and the boys, that mummy has done nothing wrong etc.

It’s not up to you to explain your STBXH is a turd.

@SouthernHemi
My view on it - kids won't be asking "why". And if they did - you can just say that mommy and daddy's relationship does not work anymore. Which is true, and not gaslighting. The relationship DOES NOT work. period.
They won't be asking probing further questions. Now how kids work.

But the main question for them would be - what about us? How would OUR lives change? Where would we live? Who'll take care of us.

While cheating is a big deal for the adults - kids do not quite know how to process it. And certainly at that age they are not the ones who would necessarily connect what they see parent does on the phone and divorce.
You are overthinking

It’s not an honest explanation though is it? Mummy did/does love daddy .. daddy was fucking stupid (literally). They’re breaking up because of daddy. Why should OP pretend she’s fallen out of love with him when that’s not the case at all.

When I divorced from my ex H neither of us told the children that I had cheated on him, although my ex used to refer darkly to the bad things your mother did and if only they knew the truth. A couple of years ago one of our children came across messages on their dad's phone that related to that time and incidents. They came to me and we talked it through and I then told our other children. I was honest, to an appropriate level, and I know it wasn't the right thing to do. They found it useful to know the truth as it explained some of the dynamics in the way their dad did/does act towards me.

I agree if one knows the other child must also be informed. It doesn't stop them from loving either parent, but there's an understanding that people are flawed and relationships are complex

But the main question for them would be - what about us? How would OUR lives change? Where would we live? Who'll take care of us.

Excellent point, give certainty, the practical things like where they will be each week, custody arrangements, will they have two bedrooms but same schools etc

If 12 yo saw something - it does not know the 10yo needs to know right there and then. Thinking it's "gaslighting" is strange.

These are children of different ages, with different ability to understand adult relationships. The divorce will be something that they'll live with for a long time - and eventually they may wonder and ask. But it's not that age.

Mine asked more questions as they became older teens - when they started to understand relationships a lot more. At 10, and in fact 12 - they do not care. They are still children - and the adult relationships are way beyond their grasp.

OP - really, focus more on figuring out the post-divorce arrangements, not explanation of why your relationship broke up. Adults do not need to fully explain, or justify what they do to kids. They need to provide love and care - and kids need to hear that this will continue. Who slept with who - is not about the kids relationship with either parent.

Exactly! Shocked at the number of replies insinuating the fidelity is at least in part the OPs fault

I agree that many children in this situation do see the departing parent as leaving them as well as the spouse. After all, divorce does result in breaking up the family, which impacts the children.

I think that it's difficult situation for OP if OP doesn't want to lay the blame, or imply blame on their father though. If DH has chosen to be with someone else, then the children will see that for themselves soon enough.. however if DH has ended his relationship with the AP, and divorce means they are going to be single co-parents, then it's harder for children to understand why the family has to be broken up, unless a fully explanation is given.

OP was asking for advice on how not to lay blame on her infidel husband. I got the impression that she was triggering the divorce but I agree it's not clear if that's the case.

Oh love. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I've been there. It was awful. I won't lie, telling the children we were separating is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

We sat them down. I went first and said that we were separating, that we both still loved them very much, and that their dad wanted to explain why.

Then he said he'd met someone else and was leaving to be with her.

By this time they were all sobbing and panicking and I just went into Mum mode, comforting, reassuring, hugging and calming.

They asked ex-h to leave for a bit - go for a walk or something to give them some space. They asked me to stay. I made them sweet tea and we had kitkats and cried. It was horrible but it was real. I wasn't lying to them. I think that was important.

We let them manage those early days as best they could. 1 wanted to speak to him, to try and work out what happened . 1 refused to speak to him for a while. 1 just cried a lot and spent time with friends. I made sure I was still Mum in charge. I showed a lot of certainty and confidence that I didn't really feel.

So - I suppose we didn't shield them from the fact that this was all ex-h's choice. I think it would have been more lies to do so. But in the months since I've been very careful with how I frame it all to them.

I feel like the actual telling is different from what they will watch in the coming months.

Mine know it's absolutely fine for them to still love him, and that he loves them too. They know I'm happy when they see him. They can talk about him with me (I don't mean talk about him, I mean tell me that they had delicious donuts with dad and it was fab).

They understand that my love for their dad was conditional, and he broke those conditions. That sad for our family, but we're okay.

They understand that our love for them is unconditional. They know I will never ever walk away.

I don't think I could have presented a sanitised version. I was deeply hurt and floored by what he did. And they watched me uphold my boundaries without ever being nasty or talking shit about him. I want them to know that what he did was not okay in a relationship. They shouldn't act like that, or accept it from a partner.

And their mum is still their mum. And their dad is still their dad.

I think you need to be honest with your younger son in an age related way. Honesty is always the best policy. Great post by @Threekandles .

The father needs to tell the 10 year old. The older one shouldn't be made to feel he needs to keep a secret, especially when he is so young himself. You giving the news may seem like 'blame' their father giving it is him owning his mistakes and being accountable, which is a good thing to model to children.

Be honest in an age appropriate way.

It WILL come out anyway

It’s very damaging and extremely unrealistic to expect your DS12 to keep the secret that big from his DB.

Just to say, be careful with that. When my XH ‘explained’ to our children (then aged 10 and 14) that we were separating, the slant he put on it fucked with their heads for a very long time. As adults, they now ‘simply’ recognise that their dad’s love is conditional, as teens/children they were very messed up, our daughter in particular.

I was trying to protect his relationship with them, to give him the opportunity to explain his decision to leave in his own words, rather than influence them with my own shock and grief. I got that horribly wrong, they should have had the truth from the start.