There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

Hi OP - I just want to say, I’m so proud of your attitude shift! Well done! You’ll still have peaks and troughs, but I’m so glad you’re entered this new phase of feelings towards him. I bet it felt like it would never come, but most of us who have experienced horrible break ups with dickheads, knew that it would x

I won’t be turning up with the kids to his work. It’s not something they need and in my opinion, they shouldn’t be a part of that.

I honestly didn’t think the day would ever come either, but I’m very glad it has. I’ve noticed over the last few weeks that I also don’t seem to be thinking of him much anymore. It’ll only be when it’s something to do with the kids that I’ll think of him. I don’t tend to think of just him anymore if that makes sense.

It sounds like you’ve really turned a corner @mummy917 , good for you .

Ive been following your story off and on for a while now. I just want to say that you are doing an amazing job. You are holding it together with true dignity in difficult circumstances.
I just want to re-iterate what a PP has said, in my experience, you cannot cover for his crap parenting. I tried really hard to shield my kids from knowing how disinterested their father was in actually being a full time dad to them, but they are going to find out one day and they may as well find out sooner rather than later. Its an awful thing to have to witness your kids go through but you are there for them and you and their siblings are a strong unit and kids are very resilient especially pre 7 years apparently.

Haha yep, you guessed it!

@mummy917

I honestly didn’t think the day would ever come either, but I’m very glad it has. I’ve noticed over the last few weeks that I also don’t seem to be thinking of him much anymore. It’ll only be when it’s something to do with the kids that I’ll think of him. I don’t tend to think of just him anymore if that makes sense.

Ah, so it appears that 'indifference' has now arrived on the scene. And isn't it freeing? You may not be 'completely indifferent' to him, but indifference is certainly standing behind you tapping on your shoulder, asking to introduce itself to you. Congratulations!

I don't mean that he'll never anger or infuriate you, just that you'll be better able to see his motives and bat them (and him) away.

Yep definitely indifference!

Well, until you have no choice but to think of him and think "oh ffs......what has he done now?!" and then anger is back!

Handy how these dickheads help us to move on so much quicker by being easy to move on from!

Did the turning point come when you went back to work? Being around adult company that values your worth and being busy are good tonics for the soul.

Handy how these dickheads help us to move on so much quicker by being easy to move on from!

This comment should be on a T-shirt! Sums it up perfectly.

This is true

Ah, so it appears that 'indifference' has now arrived on the scene. And isn't it freeing?

Indifference is exactly the right word. That's when I knew I was getting over my ex. I suddenly realised I wasn't spending every waking hour thinking about him. I was just getting on with my day. Which seemed impossible to imagine when it all first happened.

Good for you @mummy917.

You are amazing. I've been following your threads and you have come so far xx

No the turning point didn’t come when I went back to work. It’s only seemed to have happened in the last 2 weeks or so and I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened either. There’s no one specific thing or time when I thought “this is it”. It was only a few days ago where I sat and thought to myself that I hadn’t actually been thinking about him much at all lately.

That’s massive progress. He’s shown you who he really is. You’re absolutely brilliant

Your post smacks of "onwards and upwards".
Good for you and your children.

You strike me as someone who really centres her children OP. And I don’t know about you, but there’s no greater turn-off than a man who doesn’t show care, patience, and thoughtfulness towards his own kids.

He has put your DC last with his stupid game-playing so many times already. Roped his mum in rather than doing 50/50. Not paid for stuff your kids need. Not had basic supplies at his house for the kids.

Time and again you’ve had to fill in the gaps, make alternate plans, and even liaise with his mum because he’s incapable of forming a genuinely reciprocal co-parenting agreement.

And just for good measure, he was expecting you to automatically fill in for him as his mum’s on holiday. The expectation that you’ll just continue with the wife work.

Just ick. All of that is enough to make any vagina slam shut. I think your frustration at his inability to parent his children properly has allowed you to see him for who he truly is - and that he’s simply not worth any head space.

It’s a good place to be.

I think also your brain has to learn how to " unlove " them .
Yes they can tell us they are leaving , yes we find out they were really shit and the scales fall from our eyes as we see the real them but to learn to unlove takes a little longer than that .

I am feeling good and also feeling very hopeful that I’ve genuinely turned that corner. Not sure how I’ll feel if/when my ex meets someone else, but I know for definite I won’t be pining to have him back, even though it still might feel a bit sad.

Sorry to mention the C word in September but I’ve been out and done the majority of my Christmas shopping today, had breakfast with my best friend and her little boy and I’m now home and about to have a lovely bath before work tomorrow. I honestly feel very peaceful right now 😊

You are doing brilliantly @mummy917 💖

Kudos to you on being sorted for Christmas already too.

Keep all your Christmas ideas a secret from a certain hopeless nosy adult.

Considering everything you've been through, feeling peaceful is a good place to land, you deserve every bit of it.

I have just seen a reel about 50:50 by a woman similar to you on Insta ‘rachelstartingover’ with so many similar themes. Obviously not you as your story of splitting is different.
But she pays for everything it’s just that technically for 50 per cent of the time the kids aren’t with her. But everything is up to her, right down to the last haircut.
Her ex is also shitty and very petulant.
She is doing brilliantly she’s about 10 months down the line. Definitely worth a follow!

Thank you I will definitely give her a follow!

I can’t believe I’m almost 6 months into this now, since it very first started. In March, 6 months seemed like a lifetime away and as though I probably wouldn’t be hardly any further forward but I’m grateful for what me and the kids have gotten through in that time.

Not sure how I’ll feel if/when my ex meets someone else, but I know for definite I won’t be pining to have him back, even though it still might feel a bit sad.

@mummy917

I think perhaps your overriding emotion might be relief, and hope that he will focus on her rather than on you.

Now that you've broken free, he's going to have to 'train' her to accept 'his ways' in the way that he trained you. And it's a slow, sneaky, and labour-intensive process to train someone new to carry his load for him without them realizing what he's doing, especially since now he's going to have to train her to takeover his parenting duties. I predict the likelihood of a thread from some unknown woman asking in AIBU; 'Is it right that my partner expects me to care for his children whilst he goes out and gets a tattoo?'.

Child maintenance via CMS is a separate thing to court-ordered maintenance.

The courts can order details of daytimes, and specify hand-over times precisely.
They can also order child maintenance to be paid on a different basis to CMS 'count the nights' calculations.

This is going to end up in court.
Mediation just won't be happening (twat will refuse to attend, which the courts will see as just another 'red card' against him).

Also, the court will make the financial order about splitting the marital assets, at which point the accumulated amount that twat owes to OP will be deducted from his share.

@mummy917 sorry I have forgotten - is there a mortgage or are you in a rental? If there is a mortgage on a jointly owned property, it makes the financial settlement, and your records, all the more important.