There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

Or just don’t take them to his any more. Unilaterally go to EOW and the CMA. Would he up his “parenting” then, or just the game?

I don’t know how this stuff works, unfortunately, my ex and I weren’t married and just came to an arrangement which benefitted him mostly, me somewhat, but our finances wrt dc were never equal, I was too cowed when I left to change things and after time had passed it would have been seen as throwing a bomb into our coparenting relationship. So I don’t know why @mummy917 is so forced into this long game, why can’t she have more power in the situation with Twatface?

He's definitely annoyed that you're coping fine (because you did everything prior to the split anyway) and he's struggling behind the scenes, not that he'd ever admit it!

mummy917 I can't remember whether you have already seen a solicitor but given the way he is behaving it might be a good idea to see one now. It would let you put on record what has happened to date, the 50/50 he demanded but has not honoured, the refusal to pay half for the things the children need and the constant chipping away at the time he has the children. A solicitor would also be able to advise you on the best way forward. My instinct would be to get a solicitors letter sent to him outlining what he has asked for and what that actually means but I accept that might not be the best thing to do right now. Getting some professional advice though might be helpful in the long run.

but I really don't understand why he feels the need to "get one over" on OP. He got what he wanted, surely he should be so focused on his great new life/woman/whatever he is doing that OP should not even be on his radar?

I agree with other posters, if his new life was making him happy, he wouldn’t be so vile. The OP has often said he changed when the twins were born. My guess is he never wanted four children and in some way blames the OP for that. I doubt he liked the 4-child lifestyle, thought that leaving the OP would lessen his responsibilities (not that he did much, by the sound of it) and is now a single man with 4 children to deal with 50/50, and he’s not finding it much fun

I sought advice from a solicitor when he was still living here and were still trying to work out a 50/50 plan. I have spoken to him again when I looked into mediation as he recommended a service that he uses often. I’m not sure how much a solicitor’s letter would cost to send? I still have his email though so could at least see if I can arrange a chat with him (which I know won’t be free), but I could show him everything I have so far and go from there.

If he’s deliberately trying to mess up your work through sheer spite, using the kids, then I think he’s gone way too far and he needs a shock to bring him back to something approaching reasonable.

How can he cry poverty to his mum then dump a load more money on his tattoo?! I bet she's not aware he's not paying his way with the kids costs either. 😡

He's not actually doing 50/50, his mum is facilitating it with free childcare, and as you say she likely won't want to do that forever.

How much is he currently at in terms of what he owes you for 50/50 financial costs of your children's needs eg uniforms, hair cuts etc??? I bet its a lot. At what point do you think you will "call it" on this and put it a claim to cms? Even if he keeps having them 5050 time wise you'd still be able to claim some maintenance if he's refusing to split costs relating to their needs like school stuff and haircuts.

Hi, I've been watching quietly for a while. I think getting in touch with a solcitior is probably a really good idea at this point as otherwise he's just going to keep screwing you over (or trying to).

He owes a substantial amount in terms of things the kids have needed, that I have just bought and given to him, or that we’ve said would need to go between houses such as clothes, but this weekend I've had to take the kids to Asda for more leggings, vests, underwear and socks as I’ve got very few left to send the twins into nursery with for the next 2 days 🤦‍♀️. He seems to only be doing washing when it’s his weekend “off”, so some of the stuff isn’t coming back and I ended up short for the coming week. Luckily I check these things as soon as the kids are back with me as I’m very much a “sort the bags and clothes out the night before” parent 🤣

I think this is a pretty common situation - the absent parent provides very little in the way of clothes etc but ends up with the vast majority at their house by simply not returning them with the children.

I have been reading right frim your first thread OP and I am absolutely delighted to read that you are starting to feel this way about him. It is such fantastic progress for you, and a really natural and healthy way to help you heal and move on. You've the patience of a saint to be putting up with his shit, I'm very impressed. I could not be more delighted that you stood up to him last week- I bet he has still got no idea what hit him. He was expecting you to roll over and take his abusive shit like you did when you were married.
Hey Twatoo, there's a new woman in town!
Keep it up, by centring the children's needs you're doing this perfectly, and rising above his immaturity.

Indeed. I don't generally comment as my knowledge on child maintenance is probably out of date by now, but it used to be that the CMS didn't like proper shared care/no money liability, because in effect one household was always more responsible/the default for meeting the needs of the children, and while payment liability was reduced to recognise the overnights, it wasn't zero to reflect this

My DIL would not return or provide for DS's weekend. DS ended up buying clothes/underwear every weekend. The solution ended up being the children came to his on Fridays in school clothes, he had clothes/underwear at his. He washed and ironed the school clothes/underwear on Sundays and they went back to Mum's house dressed as they came home on Fridays.

I would stop sending extra clothes. They go in what they are wearing, and if they need anything else then he either does his washing or buys more.

I know it goes against the grain as a good parent, but its the only way to stop you subsidising him via the back door as it were. I am sure you have a list of the items, as they should be added on to the list of things he hasnt paid for.

Wasnt her job to provide for the kids weekends.

I think you’ve missed the point , the dad was sending them home in clothes with their uniforms ready for the week ahead but they never came with clothes aside from the uniforms so each weekend were being provided with new clothes that were never seen again as they came back just in their uniforms .

I would be interested to hear the mum's side, especially about how many times she sent them with two outfits each and they only came home with one.

Happened to me. I ended up paying for their whole wardrobes at their dads and he paid for bugger all but he slated me to all and sundry for not sending them all set up for the weekends after I got sick of it.

I’m only reading your posts, @mummy917 so don’t know if anyone else has asked this, but are you sure he asked his employer about short notice time off in the past? It wouldn’t surprise me if he just told you he had and they said no.

Haven’t got any proof he did or didn’t ask them, it was what he told me at the time and I took him at his word. That wouldn’t surprise me either though, looking back now.

By Christmas OP, when the kids have all had one cold/illness after another and he's clocking onto the reality of 50/50 parenting and keeping a job going, I'd say he'll be throwing his hands up in defeat. This is why you really need to toughen up now and not facilitate any emergencies in the time when he has the children because it'll benefit you and the DC in the long run. Easier said than done when it's all you've ever had to do in the past, but this is a position that he's insisting on.

I have stopped receiving notifications even though this thread is on my watch list so hoping a comment helps. I don't know why I am gobsmacked about anything the twat says or does but have just caught up and seen he expects OP to take a day off when his mum is away. What an idiot. What part of not being a couple any longer doesn't he get?
Anyway, could I ask for someone to comment on this comment, pretty please, in the hope my notifications start again? Or is there another way I can do this? TIA fellow @mummy917 supporters.

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