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There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

698 replies

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 21:58

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

OP posts:
Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 13/09/2026 13:19

GordanoServices · 13/09/2026 13:04

Why can’t he take the day off as that’s the obvious solution?
ETA.. and how can he possibly convince himself that you are the arsehole in this situation?

Edited

Because he's a MAN and therefore the boss of all women who have the misfortune to be around him. They must bow down and obey him because he is the Mighty There We Are Then. S'obvious, innit?

mummy917 · 13/09/2026 13:21

Because when we were together, if childcare ever fell through (I think it happened twice), it was me that took the time off as his work place would give him grief about him needing time off for childcare (I know it was wrong but he was too scared to challenge them on this), so I think he just thinks it will continue as it did before. He couldn’t be more wrong.

OP posts:
Holdinguphalfthesky · 13/09/2026 13:23

Yeah, he lost that privilege when he checked out of your marriage. More power to you @mummy917

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 13/09/2026 13:27

Well, he's just going to have suck up the grief from his workplace, isn't he? It's all his problem now, nothing to do with you, it's his turn for the 50% he's insisting on, so he has to deal with it. He'd better man up Grin There We Are Then.

(I can't tell you the vicarious pleasure I'm getting from seeing you getting into battling mode, @mummy917. Grin)

GordanoServices · 13/09/2026 13:37

He’ll need to be having a conversation with his work about his new personal situation and parenting responsibilities (due to him being a TWAT) and that it means he’ll need some flexibility. I’m not surprised he’s not had that conversation already.

ProsyFossil · 13/09/2026 13:37

Now that he's left, he'll probably pull the "poor me" card at work and they'll fall over themselves to give him time off as a "single dad, left to cope with all my children because my evil ex won't agree to be flexible".

Don't let it get to you.

GordanoServices · 13/09/2026 13:44

It is really concerning that he seems to think that if his mum can’t cover childcare during his time, he expects @mummy917 to just step in. He needs to be set straight on that asap, it’s so wildly unreasonable.

tinyspiny · 13/09/2026 13:48

I think he will just either refuse to open the door or not be at home on that day and if that’s the case you need to go straight to a solicitor to get the 50/50 changed .

AcrossthePond55 · 13/09/2026 14:28

@mummy917

I think the proverbial straw has broken your camel's back, no? And no wonder!

You don't have to 'despise' him. Work on having disdain for him, because he is pathetic. Pathetic in his ignorance, pathetic in his assumptions, pathetic in his self-importance. It's easier to go to a place of indifference from disdaining than despising.

He is just a sad, sad, sad little man. Doing stupid and ignorant things to work up a good 'angry' at you simply to make him feel good about himself and shooting himself in the foot at the same time. You don't get more pathetic than that.

GordanoServices · 13/09/2026 15:06

Is he extremely stupid? Surely he should realise that he would be better off being nice to you so you’re more inclined to help him out a bit on occasions.

FloofyKat · 13/09/2026 15:11

Dear TWAT
Just a reminder that if your plans change while the children are due to spend time with you as part of the 50:50 custody arrangement you requested, it is your responsibility to make appropriate alternative arrangements for their care, not mine. It is not reasonable for you to assume I will be able or willing to change my own plans to accommodate your lack of planning and foresight.

It sounds as if you are becoming able to see him with new eyes, seeing him for what he truly is. He absolutely has no respect for you and now that’s clear to you, it’s driving a very positive shift in your perception of him. I think you will find this very empowering!

PS. I’m just wondering what he thought was going to happen if you hadn’t heard about his ‘plans’ from his mother? Did he really think you would arrive ready to drop off the children, he’d tell you his mum was away and expect you to say ok, and just take thrm home again? He really is rather stupid, isn’t he!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/09/2026 15:30

CinnamonJellyBeans · 12/09/2026 22:14

Yes, exactly what I was thinking.

Your calm manner of dealing with things and not bring overtly critical, even when it is deserved, is paying off. I think that eventually, she will support you in him having to stop this 50 50 and having to having them for less time and paying you CMS.

yes I do think the MIL now that she's looking after the DC so much, she is their grandmother and she's concerned at his Twattitude.
He definitely planned to land this on you on Wednesday morning, make you call into work to cancel your shift. So fucking spiteful. Just to make life harder for you. God he gets more appauling by the week.
It totally illustrates that the kids are just another means to get at you. There is no concern for their welfare at all. He wanted you to be stressed and upset about work v childcare.
And moronic.. he doesn't seem to realise that if you are not able to work it will impact not only on His Royal Twattishness but also on your little DC. grrrr

anotheruser124 · 13/09/2026 16:04

mummy917 · 13/09/2026 09:53

They’ll be at his house for around 6am. No they can’t always arrange a bank nurse but luckily the shift was put out to bank with lots of notice, so it’s been picked up just incase he decides to be an even bigger idiot. It’s ultimately an added cost to my ward’s budget as if he doesn’t mess up my working day, then they’ll still be paying me too, but if he does mess it up, then I have to take it as unpaid. I never wanted to get to the point of starting to despise him, but I am definitely heading that way.

Do you have anything around this situation in writing or is it all in person conversation? I really think you need to move to written contact only given how cheeky he is, so you have it all in writing

anotheruser124 · 13/09/2026 16:08

mummy917 · 13/09/2026 12:56

I’d agree with that about him not needing to tell me as it’s his day, however because he told his mum I’d just have to take the day off, I think she’d guessed before even speaking to me, that he hadn’t mentioned it to me.

I just cant understand not only why he thinks YOU are the one that has to cover but also that he just wouldn't even tell you. His thinking makes zero sense whatsoever

anotheruser124 · 13/09/2026 16:10

mummy917 · 13/09/2026 13:21

Because when we were together, if childcare ever fell through (I think it happened twice), it was me that took the time off as his work place would give him grief about him needing time off for childcare (I know it was wrong but he was too scared to challenge them on this), so I think he just thinks it will continue as it did before. He couldn’t be more wrong.

Yeah he seems to be failing to grasp you did that as his wife! Its no longer your problem during his time. These men are idiots

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/09/2026 16:40

anotheruser124 · 13/09/2026 16:08

I just cant understand not only why he thinks YOU are the one that has to cover but also that he just wouldn't even tell you. His thinking makes zero sense whatsoever

He's doing it on purpose. He deliberately didn't tell her because he wants her to turn up at 6.am on Thursday so he can say I am working its your problem. He wants her to have the stress of calling up work as a no show because he's a spiteful p...k. It's just his additional way of saying F U. He couldn't just leave.

That's why the MIL told OP because she was concerned that he hadn't made any arrangements for the DC and that he deliberately hadn't told OP. She seems to be putting her GC first at least and I think that she's realising how lazy he is.

It seems that any way he can dip out of parenting or providing for the DC - he takes - except when it's for performative show.

GrumpyButOk · 13/09/2026 18:12

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/09/2026 15:30

yes I do think the MIL now that she's looking after the DC so much, she is their grandmother and she's concerned at his Twattitude.
He definitely planned to land this on you on Wednesday morning, make you call into work to cancel your shift. So fucking spiteful. Just to make life harder for you. God he gets more appauling by the week.
It totally illustrates that the kids are just another means to get at you. There is no concern for their welfare at all. He wanted you to be stressed and upset about work v childcare.
And moronic.. he doesn't seem to realise that if you are not able to work it will impact not only on His Royal Twattishness but also on your little DC. grrrr

It's the level of spite that's so shocking. So far, he has got everything he wanted. He wanted to walk away from the marriage, OP wanted him to stay. He walked.
He wanted 50/50 childcare. OP wanted to handle more of the care herself. He got 50/50. He didn't want mediation, OP did, so, no mediation. OP wanted to use a parenting app, he didn't want that, so guess what, no app. OP is also handling more than 50% of the costs and has sensibly not made too much fuss about that, albeit documenting it behind the scenes. He isn't grateful that he has money for his twattoo because OP pays for the children.

I've probably posted this before on one of the threads, but I really don't understand why he feels the need to "get one over" on OP. He got what he wanted, surely he should be so focused on his great new life/woman/whatever he is doing that OP should not even be on his radar? Any decent man would feel some guilt about his having blown up the family, but he seems to view this as some sort of war. The nickname There We Are Then is starting to feel insufficient now.

anotheruser124 · 13/09/2026 18:25

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/09/2026 16:40

He's doing it on purpose. He deliberately didn't tell her because he wants her to turn up at 6.am on Thursday so he can say I am working its your problem. He wants her to have the stress of calling up work as a no show because he's a spiteful p...k. It's just his additional way of saying F U. He couldn't just leave.

That's why the MIL told OP because she was concerned that he hadn't made any arrangements for the DC and that he deliberately hadn't told OP. She seems to be putting her GC first at least and I think that she's realising how lazy he is.

It seems that any way he can dip out of parenting or providing for the DC - he takes - except when it's for performative show.

But surely he realises this makes things worse for him if OP does look into CMS or taking matters to court or is he really just not thinking.

This is the problem though, there is no negative to him when he just refuses, there are no consequences for him and so he seems to do whatever the hell he likes. His mum needs to stop doing everything and make him do his own parenting or arrange his own childcare

mummy917 · 13/09/2026 18:37

I have told his mum that if she is finding the two days a week too much, then he would need to arrange paid childcare but I think he’s crying poverty to her.

I don’t understand his way of thinking either; he wanted to leave and has done so, so I’m not sure what he could possibly be annoyed about.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 13/09/2026 18:39

anotheruser124 · 13/09/2026 18:25

But surely he realises this makes things worse for him if OP does look into CMS or taking matters to court or is he really just not thinking.

This is the problem though, there is no negative to him when he just refuses, there are no consequences for him and so he seems to do whatever the hell he likes. His mum needs to stop doing everything and make him do his own parenting or arrange his own childcare

If he was capable of rational thought, he wouldnt have done most of what he has done.

Ending a marriage, fine. It happens. But everything else since? Proof that all he cares about is himself and making @mummy917 's life as shit as possible. I suspect that his fantastic new life and freedom is anything but fantastic, and he loathes her because she is doing just fine thank you.

He is being driven by hatred.

likeafishneedsabike · 13/09/2026 18:42

Yeah, what IS he annoyed about? Literally everything has gone his way. He even has his mum doing the grunt work for him. He has a three day childfree weekend every other week to do what (and who) he chooses.

Lizchapman · 13/09/2026 18:43

mummy917 · 13/09/2026 18:37

I have told his mum that if she is finding the two days a week too much, then he would need to arrange paid childcare but I think he’s crying poverty to her.

I don’t understand his way of thinking either; he wanted to leave and has done so, so I’m not sure what he could possibly be annoyed about.

@mummy917 I think he is so annoyed because you’re managing just fine. You’re supposed to be a snivelling wreck without him and instead you’ve shown you’re a strong woman making a life for yourself and your children. How are you surviving having lost this Prince among men????

leopardandspots · 13/09/2026 18:44

I've probably posted this before on one of the threads, but I really don't understand why he feels the need to "get one over" on OP. He got what he wanted, surely he should be so focused on his great new life/woman/whatever he is doing that OP should not even be on his radar? Any decent man would feel some guilt about his having blown up the family, but he seems to view this as some sort of war. The nickname There We Are Then is starting to feel insufficient now.

Having been on the receiving end of something similar I understand why my ex and many others who end a marriage take no responsibility, & need to blame the person they left.

You would think the leaver would accept that it was their decision and take responsibility, but that’s just not how it works.

Blaming the wife is a way of not having to acknowledge the selfishness of what they did. If you rewrite the story: I didn’t abandon my family; “ I had no choice because I was soooo unhappy - poor me” or “She was so controlling” etc etc.

That false narrative is much easier to live with. The reality is the leaver was unhappy in their own skin, wanted to lead a single life, reinvent himself, find a younger model, be free of responsibility… but admitting those uncomfortable facts, that you therefore chose to blow up your family, is too hard to admit. If you admit fault that means living with guilt and shame. So it’s better to keep finding faults and resentment as a justification.

What you want is them to just say, “I chose this, and I accept responsibility for it.” But blaming the abandoned partner is always easier than facing yourself.

likeafishneedsabike · 13/09/2026 18:45

And I agree with the poster who said that There we are then is no longer a fitting label.
He’s a spiteful bully and a hugely neglectful parent. That goes beyond twattery and into the territory of an evil human being. If OP wasn’t parenting as she is then the kids might be on the safeguarding register at school or nursery (eg no mattresses or bedding at home, no shoes for school or uniform to fit).

Cyclingmummy1 · 13/09/2026 19:00

Is take them to his as usual then ring the police if there's no answer.

'I'm really worried that my exH isn't answering the door or his phone. He knows this is changeover. Do you think he's had an accident?'

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