There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

I dread to think at what point he was planning to actually tell you. The night before? Morning of?

What time do you drop the kids off? Is there a chance he won’t be at home? Gone to work early perhaps.

The day he has just expected I’d pick up the slack, is a working day for me, so I will be at his house with the 4 kids before I then head to work

I think that’s the day that’s a very early drop off? so there’s no reason for him not to be home, unless he’s deliberately going to sabotage your working day. I am so glad you have spoken to your line manager, but there’s only going to be a finite amount of times a bank nurse can be arranged, just in case Twattoo is being difficult (surely this is a cost to the NHS?)

I was thinking this - he'll either not be home or pretend to not be home.

They’ll be at his house for around 6am. No they can’t always arrange a bank nurse but luckily the shift was put out to bank with lots of notice, so it’s been picked up just incase he decides to be an even bigger idiot. It’s ultimately an added cost to my ward’s budget as if he doesn’t mess up my working day, then they’ll still be paying me too, but if he does mess it up, then I have to take it as unpaid. I never wanted to get to the point of starting to despise him, but I am definitely heading that way.

If this does happen be sure to add your pay for the day to the list of money he owes you

I'd be tempted to put all that in writing too, about the bank shift and the cost to you - especially if he does leave you in the lurch.

I cannot get over how someone you were married to and have 4 children with could be so deliberately nasty to you and seemingly not care about the kids and their feelings and expectations. I can see what you mean about "how stupid are you" versus "how arrogant are you". Neither paints him in a very good light.

OP you seem like you're really disengaging from him now. And it must be so good to know his mum is kind of quietly on your side and can see the reality of how he's treating you.

I think you’re managing brilliantly. I don’t think counselling would help at this point- maybe in a year when you feel grief. Right now I reckon AI would be helpful to strategise responses. Buy a subscription and have him as your special project

Actually, if he did leave you in the lurch, I'd be tempted to be completely transparent about what you and everyone else had to do to accommodate his behaviour - telling your manager in advance and her having to arrange cover. Let him be embarrassed that so many people outside of your marriage are aware of how pathetic he's being.

This! With bells on!

There are levels of selfish twattery.

Messing you around - really annoying, but tbe from a twat like him, and you deal with it.

Messing your kids around - not acceptable, but short term has to be dealt with (until the sham 50:50 care collapses).

Messing your work colleagues/manager/patients around - REALLY not acceptable.

Does he really not realise this?

Is he really THAT stupid?

Or the fact that if your ability to work and earn money is compromised, HE will have to pay more?

He is surpassing himself with his twattery with this current example of appalling behaviour.

I think the biggest thing is not that he probably hasn’t thought of all these things, he just doesn’t care. About anyone other than himself. And if he can “get one over on me” in his mind at the same time, then it’s just an even bigger bonus. Everyone else it effects just seem to be collateral damage. Pathetic.

Any time he pulls a stunt like this, you could always respond with:

"You wanted the 50/50 arrangement... is it not working out for you then? If you can't cope, perhaps the agreed arrangement will need to be revisited."

You need to make the point that he demanded 50/50 arrangements and then repeatedly demanded arrangements that are NOT 50/50.

He needs to decide which it is he actually wants to demand - the 50/50 he originally asked for, or something else? Is he able to even work out what he wants (and can stick to) and write it down in words, or is that a bit beyond him?

This must blow your mind, OP. He obviously wasn't always like this, I bet part of you just can't believe it's the same person.

As I understand it, though, he has mostly been sticking to 50/50 arrangements as determined by the CMS, which just counts overnights, not actual proper parenting time?

Yeah this was my thinking too; he’s been having them for the overnights so is technically doing 50/50 in that aspect.

I was really upset for a long while about the person he is now, because this wasn’t him at all and he started to change when the twins were born. But now I just think he can get on with it and I’m glad he decided to leave.

he doesnt really want 50/50 does he its just about the money

tell him you wont be doing it anymore then and expext to hear from cms if he refuses to have them on wednesday

How was his attitude about money before the split?

I’m really confused… Wednesday is his day with the kids right? So surely he obviously has to cover the childcare. It’s just a given. How can he possibly even think otherwise? He wouldn’t have needed to tell you that his mum was on holiday because it should make no difference to you at all.

Turns out Wednesday appears to be his mum's day with the kids. She's the one who covers childcare that day, and since she's unavailable, he seems to think that someone else should pick up the slack. Not him, of course. He was probably only going to spring it on the OP late Tuesday evening.

I’d agree with that about him not needing to tell me as it’s his day, however because he told his mum I’d just have to take the day off, I think she’d guessed before even speaking to me, that he hadn’t mentioned it to me.

Why can’t he take the day off as that’s the obvious solution?
ETA.. and how can he possibly convince himself that you are the arsehole in this situation?

Out of curiosity, has he gone down a bit of a manosphere rabbit hole? He just seems very misogynistic the way he treats you and to a certain extent his Mum too. It would also fit with the horrible names he’s been calling you.

Why does he think it's right for you to take the day off to look after the kids on his time just because he doesn't have childcare that day? It's his time and he should be the one having the day off. You earning your money is just as important as his. Or else... he can pay you (in advance) for what you will miss earning that day.