There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

I usually just support or agree but JFC he is an absolute arse, isn't he? 'You have to just do what I say!' No, he was the one who said you were controlling and wanted to split up. Then wanted 50/50. Then couldn't stick to his 50%. Roped his mum in and now whinges. Aaaargh! He comes a close second to Trump in my People I Don't Know That Make Me Angry list.
Hang in there, you are doing so well.

I didn’t get the impression from her that she assumed I’d just fill in the gaps; it seemed more like she thought she’d better tell me asap so something could be at least discussed for while she’s away. And I also think she knew he had every intention of trying to land me in it, so got to me before he could do it.

Now who’s controlling? 🤔🤣

Exactly! Just another man-child who gets angry when a woman says no! But you have the receipts, as they say. 😎

"This is what 50/50 means. You sort the DCs or your time; I sort them on mine. Hope you figure it out."

Nah, he is the Twat that keeps on Twatting. He really is a piece of work isn't he. Splitting up and managing to share childcare must be difficult even when both parents work to make it work smoothly for the benefit of the children but his selfishness and spitefulness make it so much more difficult.

I get the impression that she's quietly coming down on your side now.

Loving the emerging sisterhood!

Yes, exactly what I was thinking.

Your calm manner of dealing with things and not bring overtly critical, even when it is deserved, is paying off. I think that eventually, she will support you in him having to stop this 50 50 and having to having them for less time and paying you CMS.

The fact that he genuinely didn’t think he’d have to deal with it, as in take time off work himself as it’s on his time, and he also wasn’t even going to give you any real notice, just says it all really, doesn’t it. Do make sure you’ve made a note, like with everything else.

There We Are Then indeed 🙄🤦‍♀️

Well done, @mummy917 , you’re going great.

Glad the twins’ day went well too!

Oh my god. He's absolutely horrendous. So arrogant. Good for you for giving him a piece of your mind, OP. I'm not surprised you have started to genuinely not care about his opinion of you - your opinion of him must be on the floor by now.

Happy birthday to your twins. I’m so glad you had a great day.
I agree with @Cotopaxi and @CinnamonJellyBeans.
It seems in his mind only you and his mother are responsible for the children: if she’s not available then you should step up. The idiot doesn’t see himself in a parental role, someone who automatically pays for his children’s needs, takes time off work, but as the evening babysitter who covers for adults then skips to freedom like a teenager.
Your mum has given him a piece of her mind, his mother has given you a heads up to obstruct his shenanigans and you’ve given him a dressing down.
Time’s up There We Are Then!

“You think I’m going to cover childcare on your 50/50 time? That’s cute.”

Belated Happy Birthday to your twins, glad you all had a lovely day, @mummy917.

Sorry, but who's being the arsehole about 50/50 parenting all both of your children? It's not you, for sure. He really doesn't get it yet, does he? Divorce doesn't mean you still do the 100% you were willing to do when you were married. He clearly still thinks it's only all about the money. There We Are Then.

He absolutely seems to think money is what is the most important and that I should continue to bridge the gap of his shitty parenting.

I’m not sure what’s happened in the last week or so to make me feel the way I do now, but it’s about time he either steps up properly or admits that he can’t hack 50/50. Actually, more that he doesn’t want to hack 50/50.

So HE didn't tell you his mum was going away, he just expected you to take the day off with no notice, and YOU'RE the arsehole?!
He really is a piece of work.

Was the exchange re his mum's holiday verbal or in writing? If verbal, have you put anything in writing to him about it yet?

I would draft something very carefully, reminding him that HE wanted 50:50 care of the kids, which means that HE is responsible for their care on 'his' days. AND 50% of the costs of their care and anything they need.
Quote what he said to you ie that YOU'D "have to sort something out" re his mum being away during his care time, and that 'you were being an arsehole'.
Include the info that he hadn't even told you himself, that his mum was the one who told you she'd be away.
Request again that you use an app for organising the shared care.
And remind him that he still owes you £x for shared expenses that you have had to pay for.
All of this will make him look controlling and irresponsible if/when it comes to court.
And will put the ball squarely in his court when it comes to their care next Wednesday.

Well done for preparing a backup plan, @mummy917 . You are just the best mum to your children, thank goodness they have you.
Glad your twins had such a lovely birthday.

As he starts to realise that 50:50 means he has to use up his precious leave time or pay for extra childcare at times he may begin to see that it’s not a quick easy fix to avoid financially supporting his children. And I really can’t see his Mum wanting to continue the current situation for the next 16 years.

Whatever it is, I am glad for you that you seem to have had that "click" in your brain which means you're not going to take any more of his twatooishness, @mummy917. Good for you

Really amazing that it has to be his mum who tells you. I’m really glad to see that you’ve found your inner strength. It really means that you are moving on (feelings wise).

If you can be out of the house that day it would probably be best for the long-term outcome of this. He can’t very well drop them at your work, can he? Or, if you do have to leave work, can you get some note from your supervisor admonishing you so that you can provide this to the judge in the divorce proceedings? As you’ve mentioned that you have a good relationship with him/her.

I think the scales are falling from your eyes as to how much you've enabled him in the past. And he still thinks that you should be doing that for him. It's going to take a while for him to realise that ex wife means no more picking up his slack. And hopefully his Mum will see the light too.

Your life is going to be so much better without him. Never forget that. Your children and you will be a solid team that he'll exist on the fringes of.

As he starts to realise that 50:50 means he has to use up his precious leave time or pay for extra childcare at times he may begin to see that it’s not a quick easy fix to avoid financially supporting his children. And I really can’t see his Mum wanting to continue the current situation for the next 16 years.

Yes. - and if he messes up while his Mim is away, I think that gives you an opening to suggest an EOW arrangement (even though that would probably still cause him issues if his Mum wasn’t around).

Have you worked out how much CMS you would get with an EOW situation (I don’t mean you should post it here, but would it be a big enough sum for him to really object)?

His way of thinking is absolutely astounding to be honest. I often think he can’t really think the way he comes across as, because nobody is that stupid? But then he’s probably really just that arrogant and annoyed that I’m not bending over backwards to accommodate him anymore.

His mum will still help him, I don’t doubt, but she’s going to become fed up at some point with just having so much expected of her, from him.

The day he has just expected I’d pick up the slack, is a working day for me, so I will be at his house with the 4 kids before I then head to work.

He's an absolute arse. He's just like my ex in terms of treating you like the default parent whilst also claiming what a great 50 50 dad he is. Laughable. He'll only get worse ime. At what point can you go to court to get this stuff sorted?

Yep - it’s not his mums day to have the kids, it’s his.

I don’t know re the court stuff. I’ll be honest, I haven’t looked further than arranging mediation at this point but I doubt he will agree to even attend that. I don’t know when I would need to sort out court or how much I’d be looking at cost wise.