There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

I’ll be seeing my ex mother in law on Friday as I’m doing Thursday night shift this week and my ex is going to get his tattoo on Friday so she is watching the kids until I’ve had a few hours sleep. I may mention something to her, more so about the fact that I don’t plan on sharing presents, the ones I buy will solely be from me.

... and don't tell her what you're buying/thinking of buying!

^^ this. And I really wouldn't bother mentioning anything about Christmas or gifting either. It's months away. And no longer your responsibility (him and his arrangements for Crimbo).

I couldn’t even if I wanted to because I have no idea what to get my eldest especially 🤣 the younger 3 are easier but he’s at that age where he doesn’t really sit and play with toys much now. He’ll play with his action figures but not much else, and he’s not into clothes/trainers yet.

On a totally different note, when I was out on Saturday night, I got chatting to a man and he asked me to go out for coffee. I said I’d think about it but all it has made me even more certain of, is that I am nowhere near ready for even a cup of a coffee with someone. I actually felt guilty for saying I’d think about it and all day yesterday it just didn’t sit right with me.

Personally, I don’t think you are anywhere near ready.
Just a coffee may sound pretty casual but at the end of the day, you have been through the ringer @mummy917
You are questioning your feelings about it, feeling guilty. Why should you feel guilty? It’s a man who is a stranger you can just say I’ve had a think I’m just not ready.
He might be a perfectly nice man. Even if he were, it’s one more person to consider, think about, try to juggle.
It is up to you but if you were my daughter I’d say give yourself at least a year to settle down and when you are ready, you will absolutely know.

I’m not surprised at all! They’ll keep asking (because you’re clearly a lovely person) and one day you’ll just find yourself saying yes. And that’s how you’ll know you’re ready! And we’ll all have to buy hats, and, and, and (sorry, drifting off into Richard Curtis territory here)

have a good week!

I don’t feel guilty for the man who asked me for a coffee, I feel guilty as if I’m doing something wrong. It has never been on my radar at all to go for a coffee or anything with another man, but the opportunity presenting itself has opened my eyes even more to just how far I still have to go.

Despite other suggestions, personally I would say nothing about Xmas to him including via his mum. I would say as little as possible to him at all times about anything. No good can come of it for you or your children. If he doesn’t manage Xmas well so be it. No action you take will make him a better parent or spare your children’s feelings long term. Attempting to manage his parenting IS controlling. For the right reasons but controlling nonetheless.

I think the problem is not the coffee but that after that coffee you’ll then need to decide if you’re going to meet for another coffee, or lunch, or start texting each other. It’s decision after decision that you’re probably not ready for yet. I’d suggest you decline but say to him to ask you again in three months when you might be ready to say yes. You can still decline again then if you’re still not ready but you’ve kept the door slightly ajar to a potential new friendship at your own time.

I would also warn you that some men have an innate ability for targeting newly separated/divorced women - especially married men. I, and so many of my friends, have experienced this. They can sense vulnerability and know that you’ve probably been out of the dating game for a while. Whilst it’s flattering to get some male attention, I agree with PPs that waiting at least a year is a good idea.

I think a year is even too soon when I sit and think about it to be honest. It’s been nearly 3 months since he left and the progress I’ve made in that time still feels tiny.

Take however much time you need. A year, 5 years, 6 months - whatever is right for you ❤️

Or as my granny used to say, 'I wouldn't take another man if his arse was lined with gold' 😂

Your Granny sounds very wise 🤣

@AMurderofMurderingCrows Granny knows best 👍😂

You’ve made so much progress in 3 months, it might not feel like it, but it comes across in your posts. However you have to take every step at your own speed and there is absolutely no rush, whether it’s next year, or 5, 10 years down the line, that’s fine. You just need to do what’s best for you.

Have a look on the Christmas thread @mummy917 lots of good Christmas present ideas and bargains and might save you a bit on cost

www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/5573721-christmas-bargain-thread-one-the-one-where-it-officially-starts?page=21&reply=154610704

I’m sorry, but I have to agree with this. He will see anything you do to help him manage his relationship with his children as controlling. Even something as innocuous as mentioning to his mum that you will be buying the children from you only for Christmas will be seen by him as interfering and controlling. It’s not how a normal reasoning adult would think but he has demonstrated over the last few months that he doesn’t think rationally where you are concerned. He seems obsessively defiant and oppositional to any input from you. I think you are still struggling a bit with letting go of your role as family manager. Of course you want Christmas to go smoothly and the children not to get hurt in anyway. it’s natural mother’s protection but as has been said many times on here you need to let go of this role. You manage your relationship with your children and let him manage his.

I agree with this. They seem to think 'Ooh, recently separated woman, she won't be getting any so she must be absolutely desperate for it' and try their luck.

I agree with both @Firefly100 and @ilikemethewayiam. I understand how you would want to organize Christmas and Christmas presents as is best for your children, and in your experience of Christmases past, that is by doing all the parent work by yourself so that it is done and dusted without much, if any, input from your STBXH. But for Christmas present and future, I think you really are going to have to let go of the reins, difficult though you may find it now. It is the only way for you to be able to make a clean break and a success of your life as a single parent with a TWAT of an ex.

Sleazy men do indeed have a radar. I got hit on by a man shortly after my ex left me. I was in the queue at McDonald's with my young children when this guy gave me his name and number. Gross. I googled him after and surprise surprise found various things on line about him that confirmed he was indeed a sleazeball.

Another vote for not saying anything about Christmas to Mattress Man or his mother. This is for them to navigate, not you. And it’s only September!!

Lovely to hear you had a good time with friends, even if you did have a sore head later 😄

And how nice to be asked for a coffee. Don’t feel guilty in any way about this - you will be ready when you are ready, and you will know if / when the time is right. For now, you just concentrate on you and the DC and moulding this new life together.

I am delurking to say that I agree with the many PPs regarding not mentioning Christmas at all to ex or his mother.

it is theirs to manage and tbh OP I think you’re just opening yourself up for him to be vicious towards you again. He will find a reason and I don’t think you deserve it.

it’s not up to you to give your children the dad they deserve. You can only give themselves the best version of yourself.

I agree

Maybe start with the firm intention that Christmas with your children.. whatever day it "falls" on - is YOUR time with them. Don't get stuck in thinking everything has got to conform to some ideal or be perfect. That way you will find it easier to escape awkward conversations and stick to your plans.

Id' get my own presents for them, without reference to DH or his mum. Have some pre Christmas events with them. Book early (he won't) I think experiences stand out more than presents in their minds. f he or mil buy them the same things, they can either be kept at their houses or returned ( as you will have kept all your receipts) and you can buy something better in the Jan sales.

I wouldn't give Ex and MIL any clues whatsoever about what to buy them, as (if they are anything like my relatives, they will just nick the ideas and then I'd be left scouting around to find something else as good) just say "ask the DC, they are full of ideas"

He's demonstrated that he's a man who values his free time pursuits and his money over everything else, you can't change that.. so don't worry about what he does or doesn't do. let him get on with it.

But you already know they will have a lovely Christmas with you, so what he does, doesn't matter. They will still probably enjoy themselves and MIL will try hard for them I think. They won't be miserable.

But you will find conversations springing up about Christmas, maybe be cheery and slightly evasive with MIL without being outright unco-operative but also without giving away any information that might get passed to DH. But I'd have some extremely evasive answers for DH, he will only fault find or want to insist on the opposite. Let him find fault with his own arrangements.
You will have a lovely Christmas this year @mummy917 with your little ones because you won't have all the Twatoo nonsense ruining it, and will be looking forward to better times ahead.

@mummy917

I'm of two minds re Xmas. I can see both sides of the argument. On one hand 'his' Xmas is not your problem. On the other hand it's to your benefit that he has no 'expectations' of a shared Xmas. And that he knows this in enough time to (hopefully) cobble something together for the DC. Or more likely shove the whole thing onto his mum's shoulders, which is also not your problem. And imparting that knowledge via MiL will get it to him without a direct conversation.

I think the most I'd say to MiL if/when Xmas is mentioned is that she'll need to consult with STBX on 'his plans' for Xmas.