There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

I thought the exact same thing re counselling, that so many people are having a much tougher time than me. I felt it was almost self indulgent to do it and that really what I should do is just crack on. But I really don’t think that works. I’ve been seeing a therapist for over a year now and it’s been brilliant. I’m understanding patterns in my behaviour/responses and finding ways to interrupt those patterns. So while you look back, it also moves you forward. It’s also helped me face my feelings about things as you can only bottle things up for so long, there has to be outlet. I do think timing is important and it took me a while to get to a place that I was ready. Wishing you all the best xxx

keep in mind some of what goes on here is safe venting and that may be what you have wanted initially. Lots of us have different approaches and have shared thoughts with you.

When I went through my divorce, I leaned heavily on a support form (this was before I discovered MN) and that all I needed. I could sound off, get opinions, it was an anonymous safe space. Also, there was always someone online, so I never felt alone. It might sound strange that a group of (fabulous) strangers got me through one of the worst times of my life, but that's what worked for me. Counselling wasn't so well known back then.

There must be something I’m saying often that stands out to make so many women think I need counselling, so maybe I do.

I can't speak for anyone else but the reason I suggested it is that I think you don't have good boundaries where your ex is concerned (and you really need good ones when you have a pisstaker in your life). Someone upthread mentioned your urge to communicate with him which is part of it. But it's also all the emotional labour you are/were doing and you were often filtering everything through what he would say or think about it though I think you do this a bit less now. And also not separating out your feelings from your kids' feelings. I think the posters who say your 4 year old was probably way less bothered about him missing her first day of school than you were are probably correct.

I think not having strong boundaries is a default for most women because of female socialisation (including expectations from other women, there's an awful lot of that on mumsnet) and it's only really when you start working on your own boundaries that you start to notice boundaries or lack of them in people you know. Your ex has weak boundaries because he tries to make you responsible for loads of things that are his responsbility - one example being that time you went to sports day with him and he moaned that you left him on his own to talk to some people you knew and he didn't have anyone to talk to. And him fizzing about you being away for the night.

I'm not sure what NHS occ health offers counselling wise but some non NHS employee schemes are a bit scant - 6 x half hour sessions are common. You can't do anything much in a half hour session apart from speak very quickly. So probably best to try and find out what is on offer before joining a long waiting list for it. You likely won't need that many sessions to do a bit of work on boundaries but you may want longer term counselling to deal with the emotional fallout of your marriage ending and the life changes it has brought about.

I'm sorry you got hit at work, that's completely unacceptable. I hope it doesn't hurt too much and fades soon.

You don't miss the real him, who he is now.

But you do miss the wonderful man you married and hoped to spend a life with.
Whether that man ever existed you will never know: it could have been the real him back then but he changed, or it could be that he never was that person and it was all an act from the beginning. Or a bit of both.
It doesn't matter either way. That wonderful man is gone for good.

So it really is not surprising that on highly emotional occasions you still reach out to try and find that missing wonderful man, hoping he will re-appear. That is part of the process you are going through.

I think every divorced or divorcing woman should try counselling or some form of therapy (finances permitting), not just you. There is no down-side, try it and see. It may be extremely helpful, or it may not.
The standard advice is to try a couple of different counsellors if you don't click with the first one.

@mummy917

There must be something I’m saying often that stands out to make so many women think I need counselling, so maybe I do.

When you have some quiet time to yourself, go back and read all of your threads, and see how many times other posters have advised you against a specific course of action. These are usually about your own boundaries and attempts to get your Twat of an Ex to behave as you would like him to - and actually, as he would have done if he was a decent bloke.

You have been conditioned to behave like this for all of your marriage, even if you were happy in the earlier days.

Asking for counselling is a strong thing; it's not a weakness.

Counselling is only effective if the person wants to do it. OP, some people prefer to have counselling as the thing is happening and others find it better to have it once they are not in the thick of it. Firefighting as they say.

It also depends on other thing- I have therapy once a month or less often and I continue it because I like having an objective space where someone is paid to listen to me without judgement. I also have a partner and a handful of close friends to talk to as well but if I want an objective place to sound off, therapy is helpful. I’ve dipped in and out of it for about four years now.

It's so very hard to let him fail, knowing that he will also fail your children. Ultimately they will learn what he will do, (be late, palm off on MIL, whatever) & will simply know that he is a lazy half parent. They will probably love him in a way, & half accept his failures as it's "just the way he is". the loyalty will give you the rage !

I am the one who always drove the bus in my (unhappy) marriage. I am now H's carer, lots of people tell me I should get therapy, I just don't know if I can let down the barriers, & actually fear I might feel worse. Ultimately nothing will change.
I also don't have money to throw at it, any more than I have money to outsource the actual load of caring for H, which is clearly the only thing that would improve my life. But I agree counselling is only going to help if you want it

Thank you, I’ve just caught up on all your replies. I’ve been at work today and did a very unexpected, last minute 10 hour bank shift but the money will be nice!

I will definitely keep counselling through work in my mind. I am very much looking forward to spending the rest of the weekend in my pyjamas, resting and doing very little.

Something I found useful with therapy- and I think you need to know what you want going in- was exploring why I was in a particular situation.

So we didn’t particularly talk about specific incidents, so much as work out what my underlying beliefs were that had brought me to a place I felt trapped and unhappy.

I realised that while there were traumatic events in my past, far more important were the underlying beliefs which left me vulnerable to those situations.

Have you heard of the shark cage theory? I found it a useful analogy.