New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

But then you say she has supportive family and socialises lots?

Good point!

Yes it's been stated over and over that it's surprising.

It's not that it's not safe where we live. The other poster misunderstood.

Maybe more old fashioned - seeing the person out. But in her case we are seeing her up the road as she has all the baby stuff with her and doesn't seem too good with it. I'd always carry someone's suitcase to the car too I've just realised. I know they can carry it but so what?

In this situation there was an extra layer in that she was ignoring direct requests to leave "I will have to say goodbye to you both now" "sorry to send you away but I have things to get on with" so it made it more effective to just start loading up the buggy and 'helping' by wheeling the baby out or saying 'DH will walk you back, make sure you get home safely'

How much stuff does she have? Look it’s not the point of the thread but if she walked to you alone, she can walk back 50 ft on her own!

She is from the area (I am not), has a big close family, recently celebrated her birthday with a big party which she told me all about, sees her mum and her sisters every week etc.

plus she going the fitness community of her own accord before you met her

she doesn’t sound like she is struggling

Yes she sees them all the time. Maybe they are collecting her in the car. I don't know. Maybe she can't stand being at home on her own when her DH is at work. She doesn't drive, I suspect she won't walk far. I don't know. But someone sitting on an acquaintance's couch for hours and hours strikes me as someone with no concept that their current reality isn't everybody's.

Is she accompanied when she walks to your home?

So when she sits on your coach for hours upon hours… what are you and your child actually doing?

When I had a 14 month old and just had a newborn, a relative on my ex partners side and her daughter initially came when I invited her to meet my newborn.

However, she would phone 3 times a week to come over even when I would politely explain I was busy / babies sleeping etc.

She would just turn up with her daughter who saw my children as toys for her entertainment and didn't care they were napping. My ex partner would be back and she would still be there after 4 hours.

I was too polite with her, and my ex did not see a problem at all with them arriving unannounced and staying for hours whilst I was struggling with two babys all day. They even had their dinner with us at least 3 times a week with me cooking extras and doing all the tidying/washing by myself.

I wish I had been blunt and straight to the point like you!

It's not the point of the thread so why do you keep bringing it up?

If we stood at the door saying goodbye she could keep talking about the baby, the labour, the night feeds indefinitely with us hovering.

She seems oblivious to anything outside her immediate sphere, she was giving my DH a detailed graphic account of her labour the first time and came over.

I don't know if she's going into an empty house. I remember bringing my baby home and placing her down on a dark driveway while loading the stuff in and feeling nervous that someone would step out of the shadows. I also found it harder to carry the buggy in with my baby still inside.

I don't get why it's so outrageous to spend five minutes doing something to help the other person feel more comfortable.

When you drive someone home, do you wait in the car and make sure they get in safely? I always do. I'm sure they can get in the door themselves but I still do it.

Op what do you and your daughter do during the many hours she sits on your couch?

She has close family, gets out and about quite a bit, joined a fitness community of her own accord, held a big birthday bash and has lots of friends.

i know you don’t think so - but do you really not think it’s possible she is concerned about you? You have leaned on Mumsnet a lot in the past and it doesnt sound like you are happy

Absolutely, I think that's just good manners.
I do wonder how she perceives you. She obviously doesn't understand wfh (or has read MN where some appear to do very little! )

All I asked was if she walked the 50ft to your alone?

I wish I had been blunt and straight to the point like you!

I’m exactly the same and have allowed people to take advantage of me and my time in the past because of my people pleasing and inability to say no, so OP I think you’ve handled this really well, and in the end had no other option than to be firm, even if your OH did think you were blunt.

No, no that's not true. It's safe. It's just a habit I suppose - make sure they 'get in safely'.

I specifically noticed with her though she was very uneasy handling the buggy in our house. She sort of stood back and let us figure it out. It was weird. I don't think she gets out on her own much.

Right, that's maybe because she lacks confidence with the baby? It's not your job to sort that, though.

And the op would have had to walk home by herself the other times too.

She is not remotely concerned about me, what a bizarre take.

We chat, get her tea, give her snacks, play with the baby.

YANBU Don’t feel bad. This woman is ignoring your boundaries so you must reinforce them or she will run rings around you. If she turns up at your house uninvited or after you have told her not to, don’t answer the door. If you don’t have one already, get a camera door bell.

Oh my god this has given me actual rage. There is NO excuse as she is a mum herself and knows the exhaustion of keeping the house going. She should have been calling over and dropping off some dinner for you, telling you to go for a nap while herself and DD minded the baby if they were so bloody interested.

And your ex is a knob too, seeing mo problem when you were the one doing the work. I bet this attitude is part of the reason he's your ex?

You are very peculiar. Perhaps you're a boundary-crossing weirdo like the one visiting the OP!

Nothing the OP has written suggests that she has such deepset problems.

Totally inappropriate post - maybe time to look at your own behaviour?

You're a very strange person.

I think she's referring to a previous thread started by the OP

I had a similar situation many years ago. Met at a mum/baby group. She started turning up at the crack of dawn every day until I told her to stop. I found out some time later her husband was abusive and chucked her and the baby out every morning