New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

Doesn't everyone?

You'd hope so!

Perhaps

But given the woman centers all her talk around herself rather than asking after OP, then turns up when OP said she shouldn't as was busy and her DH didn't mention it - that's just not really plausible.

I mean, OP might be being unreasonable in her other issues (I haven't looked). But this one, it's hard to see as anything other than a woman using OP for her own needs.

That must have been a shock after telling her not to come round, your husband comes upstairs to tell you she’s in your flipping living room. Baby reindeer vibes right there…

It's the stuff of nightmares, OP.

Well done for booting her out.

If your DH tends to see things as a binary "friend/not friend" he now knows that she is in the latter category and in future can help you dispose of her if necessary instead of "I told her you'd be down now" 😨

What a strange story. Usually people understand when you don't want them in your house. Something is very wrong here.

Sounds like a complete lack of serf awareness and no respect for people’s boundaries.

It all depends on how you spoke to her in the end really. Was your tone ‘’nasty” or polite but firm.

Ok so, I seem to be getting a lot of similar responses so I will address a few things -

Firstly, I am surprised at the reaction to us walking her home. I am not in England; perhaps things are different here? When I had a baby I always noticed and appreciated people helping me. I mainly used public transport and I don't think there was a single time the nearest man didn't automatically lift the buggy down from the platform. If there was a bridge, two would appear to carry it across. In restaurants people offered to take the baby so I could eat my food.

The first time she came she was invited but the duration of her visit was unexpected. I thought it would be under an hour, not four. I also noticed she was not competent with the buggy, similar to me in the first few days with a baby. It was just an observation as I thought it was strange. So we automatically helped her load it up, carry it down the steps then walk it around to wait while she unloaded. I don't think there is anything unusual about that. I remember all those struggles; trying to fish your keys out while holding the baby etc.

Even without a baby I would walk someone out of my house. Visitors often park around the corner opposite a green. I always walk them to their car to make sure they get there safely. Perhaps it doesn't make sense as I then have to get back safely and yes they can walk 50ft. But if they slipped or were mugged nobody wood know whereas my DH would notice I hadn't returned home two mins later.

Regarding my DH not being made aware of this problem. I never claimed I didn't say a single word, it just wasn't a massive deal I raised with him. The first time she came round she was invited. He came back from an evening activity and she was still there. She made no moves to leave so I had to insist. I am sure afterwards I said something like "bloody hell, nice to see her and meet the baby but I didn't expect her to stay so long."

She then came three more times, all self invited despite me saying "I'll just get my coat, wait here and we will go out... Oh ok but i don't have too long today... (One hour later)... I will have to sort food now for everyone) ... (Hours later)... I'm sorry but you will have to leave now." and then finally getting her stuff together and opening the door "I / he will walk you home."

I may or may not have said to him that she stayed too long. I know I moaned to a friend briefly about it. Maybe I am strange in that I don't find it very useful offloading, it would wind me up more so instead I decided that the next time she appeared I was simply not going to let her in under any circumstances. I was not 'about to blow' with her, I'd decided I would change my own behaviour and be firm before she got in the door.

I thought I had done exactly that by responding to her message saying clearly so not come over. She read the message and I thought that was the end of it. I got into the shower. She then arrived and was welcomed in by DH who went to get me not knowing anything about me having told her not to.

All he saw was me look furious to him, walk downstairs and ask her to leave. I still would have wanted her to be helped getting the buggy down the stairs.

Yes I was upset that he didn't automatically realise these were unusual circumstances. He has since apologised.

I won't be contacting her, I don't feel responsible for her and we aren't friends. I've realised she probably - for whatever reason - sees me as a free local resource to assist along with her doctor, health nurse, counsellor, dietician etc.

She received the message telling her not to come and her response (as she put it to DH) was to come anyway but not stay too long.

Have you heard from her since, @Aworldofwonderaworldofwonder?

Right, so you're not in the UK, and a woman would have to be escorted home, even a few doors down. I've always lived somewhere safe, but I know what you mean.
I think that puzzled many of us, but if that's what it's like in your country, fine.
Why doesn't your husband take your side, or try to understand it?

No, TG.

I haven't decided if I will ignore or be direct.

To be fair, you have already been very direct, I'm not sure what else you can say.
Why do you think your DH took that stance?.

Exactly I find it very telling she presumably wasn’t invited to the party but yet the woman thinks she’s familiar enough with her to come round despite being told not to and to refuse to leave on previous occasions and push for home visits when OP has offered a coffee meet up in a park or cafe.

It’s like she counts OP as a good friend when it suits her.

I had a friend a bit like that.

We were “like family” when she wanted money from me to pay for her kids activity’s or listen to her childhood trauma, but not “like family” when she knew I was going through something difficult or when it came to texting me on my bday lol she did push boundaries too. Not by turning up unannounced but more in the sense she would trauma dump even when I told her I was struggling emotionally.

I wouldn’t even do any of that to my best friend.

It’s actually quite strange and alarming behaviour OP did well to challenge. That aside you can get rid of her I am sure but the bigger issue is you have a husband problem, Op!

Even if he thought you’re being rude he should’ve waited until she left to say that to you.

i find some people have got hides like rhinos in terms of awareness and behavior.
Absolutely zero interest in you, ignoring what you’ve asked her to do.
that’s enough.

I think he saw her arrive in with the baby, thought oh wonderful a baby, bounced up the stairs to tell me and then got a completely unexpectedly furious reaction from me.

He sees things in black and white a lot so probably thought - but you invited her before, I know she stayed ages but isn't she your friend? He would have needed me to specifically said "this is important, I don't want her to come into the house again." She hadn't come late before so he never let her in.

He processes things differently to me. I could have said "let me explain" when he came back but my defenses were up when he returned and I didn't.

You didn't do anything wrong OP, I just wish I could have been as brave and confident as you during a very similar situation with someone.

Well done x

What happened in your case?

Yes I was upset that he didn't automatically realise these were unusual circumstances. He has since apologised.
I won't be contacting her, I don't feel responsible for her and we aren't friends. I've realised she probably - for whatever reason - sees me as a free local resource to assist along with her doctor, health nurse, counsellor, dietician etc..

It’s good he has apologised. He should maybe think next time and not be so quick to tell you off in front of someone.

You are right not to contact her. If she contacts you again of course reply only to shut it down and decline the visit firmly and maybe also reiterate you didn’t appreciate her popping in when you clearly stated it wasn’t a good time.

I wouldn’t say too much though it’s best to just detach and stay calm. Or she may feed off the negative energy.

Firstly, I am surprised at the reaction to us walking her home

6 doors away. That is what we’re a little surprised about. She presumably walked alone to you?

You say she has a supportive local family and socialises with friends often. I genuinely think she might be worried about you, as misplaced as that might be.

She doesn't live in the UK and women have to be walked everywhere.

In the hour upon hour upon hour that she is at your house… what are the pair of you actually doing?

But she presumably walked alone to the house?!

@Aworldofwonder
I can see all sides of this.
Your DH was shocked because he thought you were being rude to a neighbour who had innocently popped round with baby to see you. Without knowing all the background, of course he'd be shocked. Show him your post to read!
This neighbour is viewing the friendship differently to how you are seeing it. You say you're not close. But in her mind you were taking her swimming regularly together so she thinks that means she's developed into becoming good friends with you.
She may be ND and unable to pick up on hints or subtleties about 'having lots to do' when she doesn't leave your house.
My DH doesn't read the room. He doesn't pick up on any hints, even quite obvious ones. We visit people and I can sense in the atmosphere when the hosts are ready for us to leave. Either that, or I just know the social etiquette involved in how long to stay for. DH does not have this inbuilt radar. He will think nothing of a daytime host saying "Right, I have loads to do that I need to get on with", he will simply say "Oh do you, yeah there's always so much to do isn't there" and carry on chatting and probably ask for another tea. Or if an evening host said "Oh I'm suddenly feeling ever so tired and I need to get up very early in the morning, gosh look at all these dishes I need to tidy up before bed, thank you for a lovely evening!" Whilst simultaneously faux yawning and exaggeratedly looking after their watch, I can honestly tell you that DH would pour himself another glass of wine, offer to refill their glass, and start up a whole new conversation. And then he gets confused and takes offence when I am there in these situations and whisper to him "We're leaving, now!".
So maybe she falls in to this camp?
But at the same time, I hate it when people outstay their welcome at my house and I do genuinely hate it when hours later someone is still there long after the invite should have lasted for. So I do sympathise as I get really put out by this, and I have 2 visitors who do it every time.
Also, WhatsApp can make it look like a message has been read when in fact the person opened it but then didn't actually read it due to sudden interruption from something else (like a baby crying). Happened to me loads of times.
Best way forward here is honesty I think. Send her a text explaining that you find long visits difficult and you snapped at her because you'd texted to say don't come. I think directness and explaining things properly are what's needed.

No I don't think she sees me as a friend at all and wouldn't have even considered inviting me to a party. I'm there to fulfill a particular function for her.

I suspect her world has shrunk around her and the baby and she has forgotten the whole world is going on for other people. Given how she wasn't comfortable with the buggy, I don't think she goes out and about much on a daily basis. She has gained a lot of weight even since having the baby so walking is probably hard.

Because all she can see is her and the baby she assumes that's the case for everyone and I have all the time in the world to focus on that. She has unconsciously put me in the support team with her dietician, GP, HV, counsellor. She did tell me one story about her HV being unprofessional. I realised halfway this was not during a scheduled visit but just at an event they were both attending. So the HV was actually out with her own family on her own leisure time. It started to dawn on me then that she was seeing the world slightly differently now.