New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

That's what occurred to me. She only knows you in your previous role as helping her with her weight/exercise and hasn't realised you have a personal life which does not include her. Weirdo.

When I had a toddler I seemed to attract these types too. Drove me mad. I found myself turning into my mother 'does nobody have any manners anymore?!'.

Havent read the full thread but to satisfy myself there are no underlying abuse/health issues I might make contact aling the lines of

Im glad you got home ok. Im really busy and dont have much time for sitting chatting - my kids are at a different stage from your darling baby which means Im rarely still. I cant face having you round and leaving you to sit on your own. But.... I real8se you came when I said not to and I would like to check that there wasnt some sort of issue at home which meant your only choice was.to come round. If there are any issues that you would like to chat over I will absolutely make a quiet slot for you. Being a new mum isnt easy and I wouldnt want to push you away if there is an issue. Are you ok and I can do anything to help.

I might even send details of local baby group if I think she might benefit from that.

Fwiw you are not being unreasonable. Your partner can shot his looks elsewhere.

Good on you for enforcing a reasonable boundary.

She’ll learn nothing from this. Her type never does. You can’t change that though.

I think the previous poster was bang on, she saw you as a free service to unload upon. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

I thought the ssme

I would HATE this so much! Boundary-stompers are the worst!
If you hear from her again, I would ask her if anyone has spoken to her about boundaries. I would say that her unwillingness to accept your boundaries has left you feeling frustrated and violated and you don’t want her contacting you anymore.

When I was younger and my daughter was a baby Im sorry to say I was your neighbour.
I was in there house all the time. I must have drove them mad.
They never said anything but in the end I stopped going in and we moved back to London. I was lonely because my DH was at work and Ijust had my daughter.
I dont recognise myself to be honest.
I think you did the right thing by being firm. I would tell my DH everything thats been going on and then he will understand why you said what you did hopefully. Don't know why he has taken her side to be honest its none of his business really.

@Aworldofwonder you have turned to Mumsnet about how low you feel; serious marriage issues; feeling depressed

Could it really not be that she is worried about YOU

He has walked her home before at my request.

well, that’s an odd drip. and makes fact you never mentioned to him how you were at the end of you tether with her even more odder

I don't think the bluntness was rude necessarily, if you don't want to maintain a friendship with this lady then that's absolutely your choice.
I do think you've let her rely on you too much if you knew rather quickly that you didn't want a friendship with her and the turn around from spending quite a lot of time with her to bluntly asking her to leave may have been hurtful. You should have set boundaries faster IMO.

What I would say is she's not behaving in a socially 'normal' manner and perhaps you could have tried harder to ask a few questions about this. Maybe she has PND and can't find the words to talk about it so she keeps turning up. Maybe she has autism and doesn't understand social cues particularly well, I.e when someone has had enough of her visits and can't read the room very well . There are so many reasons she could be behaving in this way.

It really isn't. She lives up the road. She was struggling to get her buggy in and out of our front door. The first time she was there (the only time by invitation) he arrived back and after much baby chat I suggested it as it was stormy outside. We would always walk somebody up the driveway anyway, I can't see why it's strange we are walking her home, she has extra stuff with her.

Yes I agree.. this is why I made a point of being clear with her. I don't even know if she found me rude. He did (initially).

Am I right in thinking… this has happened 3 times before this latest incident? She has invited herself around 3x? Is that the total amount of times you have got together?

And your husband has walked her home and you never once mentioned fact you were about to blow with her. Surely you can concede that that is… a little strange

It isn’t strange you’re walking her home!! (Although 6 houses a way? Yes, little peculiar).

it is the fact you never once mentioned to DH despite him even being around when she was there

My first thought is she is struggling. Has she PND? I would help her find some stuff to do locally. She sounds lonely

I wouldnt have been so blunt - more incredulous and have said “are you ok”?

I can see why you are frustrated.

But she's never asked after OP, so how would she know to be worried?

@Aworldofwonder you’ve done the right thing! Explain to your husband what has been going on but don’t apologise and don’t feel guilty.

I have a 5 year old and when he was in Nursery I attracted a woman like this. She came up to me at a Halloween party the nursery hosted and told me her son adores mine, and is always talking about him. I had never heard her son’s name mentioned by my son, but I thought she seemed nice, so I invited her son to his 4th birthday party. It took me until he started school to get rid of her. She had this image in her head that our kids were best friends, my son didnt really like hers as he annoyed him a lot, so I tried to cut ties. I even found her wandering up my road looking for my house (she lives the other side of town which takes a hour to walk from). I fell pregnant a second time just before my eldest left nursery, then she did as well and she kept saying we could spend mat leave together. I finally managed to get rid of her when the kids started school as they went to different primaries, but I then saw her at a nursery a couple of weeks ago when I took my youngest to a settling in session. She’s text me every day since saying her eldest is constantly talking bout my son and she wants to meet up. I asked my eldest if he remembered her kid and he said no, so I declined and said we were busy. Then noticed her wandering up my road again! These people turn into complete stalkers if you let them.

Oh sorry,! Did you not see my message? Now isn't a good time.

How does she sound lonely when she sees her mother and sisters every week and is holding large parties?

Perhaps the DH told her

You're absolutely right, most people are not curious about others. In a very readable book "how to know a person" by David Brooks he talks about this and says that 70% of people are not curious about others. They don't ask connective questions ("What was that like for you?") or really listen to the other person. From my own experience, I reckon 70% is about right.

No, it isn't the total amount of times they have got together. The first post explains how they met and that they used to go swimming together.

Yes but it is the total amount of times the woman has invited herself in according to the Op. and I was just asking the Op if I had understood correctly

Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly.

The more I think about it, the more strange it is that she needed an adult to accompany her home. 6 houses away!! Presumably she walks with her baby in a pram on her own far further distances than…. 50ft?

I’ve read quite a lot of this thread now and I’m genuinely perplexed at the amount of people who seem to be forgetting that the OP works from home. This woman turns up during her working day and stays for half of it refusing to leave. Would you be happy for your neighbour to turn up with her baby to the office/shop you work in, and plonk herself next to your desk for half the working day chatting about herself and refusing to leave? I’m sure your manager would have something to say about it!

Then on top of that, she then decides to turn up at 8pm at night (who the fuck does that anyway) whilst the OP is getting ready for bed after being told not to come over.

OP has nothing to apologise before as I said in my previous post, but in hindsight I do think she could have told her husband before now, just so he was aware and he would have known not to let her in!

Would you be happy for your neighbour to turn up with her baby to the office/shop you work in, and plonk herself next to your desk for half the working day chatting about herself and refusing to leave?

It would never ever ever happen so I can’t even imagine it.