Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it control ?

46 replies

Apollo23 · Yesterday 12:12

So I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. We had a split during 8 months , had a month apart. Then slowly started speaking again.
He was very adamant that he was different and had done a lot of work to change his behaviour. It was slow at the start , I took it very slowly , he said how committed he was to this relationship and how sorry he was that it took to get to rock bottom to realise how much he loved me. Anyway , we were taking it slow and he was different for a few good weeks. Very different , until I invited him to my place , now he hadn’t seen my place because I wanted to be very solid and comfortable before showing my home. I finally did after his pressure about my own place, he came round over the weekend , my flat is very minimal , classy , well put together.
I had said to him there are my father’s clothes here as my father is a hoarder and I was helping him get rid of his clothes. Now I’m also in between homes as I care for my father , so there wasn’t as much personal belongings at my place when he visited it, he was fine on Friday and Saturday we had a lovely weekend. Sunday we had a little argument and he unleashed that I don’t live in that home , there’s men’s clothes , I’m not being honest , he wanted me to show him my clothes in order to prove I am living there. Many accusations were being thrown at me, I naturally defended myself , then I was called defensive and hiding something.
it was all apparently my fault. I didn’t speak to him the next day , then I had a text saying my radio silence spoke volumes. He ended our relationship, even though he swore he wouldn’t walk away and how if this relationship ends it would have to be my decision.
Our relationship ended before because , well he did things like this a lot. He didn’t trust me and well I gave him a second chance.
I guess I’m saying this and asking for just some help that I’m not nuts but totally devastated that he’s reverted back to his old self and not much change really has occurred.

OP posts:
bitontheobtuse · Yesterday 12:14

The rubbish has taken itself out, and good riddance to him. You are much better off without an arsehole like him in your life. Flowers

1983Louise · Yesterday 12:16

Thank goodness he did you a big favour by ending the relationship, now go and live your best life, you did nothing wrong x

Justchillinhere · Yesterday 12:24

He's either finished the relationship completely or he wants you begging for his return, controlling, manipulating, he's unreasonable, as a pp said, he's done you a favour, block him on everything, Your not nuts, he's a bad egg.take care of you 💐

Bananalanacake · Yesterday 13:25

I thought you were about to say
He wants to move in with you. Don't contact him again he sounds controlling.

bitontheobtuse · Yesterday 13:43

You have my permission to dance for joy at his departure.

Do not take him back under any circumstances.

Apollo23 · Yesterday 13:56

Justchillinhere · Yesterday 12:24

He's either finished the relationship completely or he wants you begging for his return, controlling, manipulating, he's unreasonable, as a pp said, he's done you a favour, block him on everything, Your not nuts, he's a bad egg.take care of you 💐

I mean, he ended the relationship countless times and then had a period of saying how much you miss me and realised what a mistake he made

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · Yesterday 13:58

He sounds unhinged and probably dangerous, too.
Just be glad he's ended it @Apollo23

Mycatisreal · Yesterday 14:03

Bellend. Block. Delete.

creativepebble · Yesterday 14:08

Dear OP, please do not go back to him. Of course he's made mistakes and wants you back, and if these mistakes were not enormous red flags then maybe they could be fixed but I'm afraid this is behaviour that is indicative of something bigger. From experience, this is controlling. How dare he make you defend yourself in your own home over your father's clothes like that. You sound lovely and caring, and he may have some very endearing and lovely qualities but his insecurity and narcissism is not your fault, and him then controlling you as a result is troubling. You were brave and wise taking it slow. Now be brave and wise and do not have further interaction with him. I am really sorry that this has happened for you, but you deserve better. Don't try and fix him.

Redruby2020 · Yesterday 14:09

10 months in? And this is how it is? Be pleased that he has ended things again, and cut it there. Do not go chasing do not accept anything from him. I would also be mindful that he knows where you live now. If he contacts you do not respond.

Apollo23 · Yesterday 14:11

creativepebble · Yesterday 14:08

Dear OP, please do not go back to him. Of course he's made mistakes and wants you back, and if these mistakes were not enormous red flags then maybe they could be fixed but I'm afraid this is behaviour that is indicative of something bigger. From experience, this is controlling. How dare he make you defend yourself in your own home over your father's clothes like that. You sound lovely and caring, and he may have some very endearing and lovely qualities but his insecurity and narcissism is not your fault, and him then controlling you as a result is troubling. You were brave and wise taking it slow. Now be brave and wise and do not have further interaction with him. I am really sorry that this has happened for you, but you deserve better. Don't try and fix him.

Thank you for this kind response.
I just wanted advice and someone to reinforce that this is controlling behaviour and not normal. He was asking me to prove that I have clothes there as he didn’t seem anything that was mine.
then saying if I’m innocent I would have just proved it

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · Yesterday 14:13

Fgs don't take him back again.

bitontheobtuse · Yesterday 14:13

Don't fall for the 'realised what a mistake he made' nonsense again. It is a trick to reel you back in.

bitontheobtuse · Yesterday 14:15

Apollo23 · Yesterday 14:11

Thank you for this kind response.
I just wanted advice and someone to reinforce that this is controlling behaviour and not normal. He was asking me to prove that I have clothes there as he didn’t seem anything that was mine.
then saying if I’m innocent I would have just proved it

It is controlling behavior and not normal. He has extreme jealousy and trust issues, and nobody can ever have a normal relationship with someone like that.

STAY AWAY FROM HIM, he is seriously bad news.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · Yesterday 14:17

He's going to be back. He thinks he can keep you on your best behaviour by constantly looking for fault in what you do.

And he's going to want more and more reassurance that you don't have anyone else. You end up living a miserable life being accused of everything under the sun.

This man has done NO work on himself whatsoever, he's a dreadful specimen of mankind. Be glad he's gone and don't fall for the 'I'm different now' story ever again.

Pumpkinswirls · Yesterday 14:17

Seriously why are you wasting your time on this loser?! He’s showing you who he is.

Apollo23 · Yesterday 15:06

Also even when he was at my apartment , he said things in my fridge looked like things I wouldn’t eat , I don’t drink but there was alcohol in my fridge from friends being over and them leaving it there and from my clients at work they gift me it !
I bought him beers and he was like why do you have beers

he said the home doesn’t seem feminine enough
and that it has no essence of me

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · Yesterday 15:15

Never mind what he said.
Just be glad it's over and that it only wasted eight months of your life.
It's time to move on now. I hope you find someone nicer in the future.

Whatbloodysummer · Yesterday 15:29

Apollo23 · Yesterday 14:11

Thank you for this kind response.
I just wanted advice and someone to reinforce that this is controlling behaviour and not normal. He was asking me to prove that I have clothes there as he didn’t seem anything that was mine.
then saying if I’m innocent I would have just proved it

Absolutely controlling behaviour to demand that you prove that you live in your own fucking house !

Why should you ever need to 'defend' yourself from your partners accusations?

What the bloody hell is it to do with him what you had in your bloody fridge ffs??

He's an absolute controlling, manipulative bellend and you're well rid of him OP.

No-one needs a partner that accuses them of anything. No-one needs a partner who dumps them repeatedly, for invented reasons.

You were right to not allow him to come to your home previously. Obviously you were listening to your own gut with that OP, and you were 100% right.

Continue listening to your gut reactions, because that is the truth. He's all mouth and zero substance OP, and you know that he can never, ever be trusted, regardless of whatever crap spews from his mouth, so better not to ever listen to anything he has to say. It'll save you heartache and stress to block him totally.

Doozycan · Yesterday 16:00

Whatbloodysummer · Yesterday 15:29

Absolutely controlling behaviour to demand that you prove that you live in your own fucking house !

Why should you ever need to 'defend' yourself from your partners accusations?

What the bloody hell is it to do with him what you had in your bloody fridge ffs??

He's an absolute controlling, manipulative bellend and you're well rid of him OP.

No-one needs a partner that accuses them of anything. No-one needs a partner who dumps them repeatedly, for invented reasons.

You were right to not allow him to come to your home previously. Obviously you were listening to your own gut with that OP, and you were 100% right.

Continue listening to your gut reactions, because that is the truth. He's all mouth and zero substance OP, and you know that he can never, ever be trusted, regardless of whatever crap spews from his mouth, so better not to ever listen to anything he has to say. It'll save you heartache and stress to block him totally.

Thats right its good thing she had beer in the fridge just to piss him off!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · Yesterday 16:01

Apollo23 · Yesterday 15:06

Also even when he was at my apartment , he said things in my fridge looked like things I wouldn’t eat , I don’t drink but there was alcohol in my fridge from friends being over and them leaving it there and from my clients at work they gift me it !
I bought him beers and he was like why do you have beers

he said the home doesn’t seem feminine enough
and that it has no essence of me

It doesn't matter now what he used to say. Except in the context of showing you what kind of awful man he was, and what you know you won't put up with ever again.

He is in your past. Make sure he stays there.

bitontheobtuse · Yesterday 16:08

He wants to act as judge, jury and executioner. It is your home, not a court of law, and you don't have to justify anything to him. You don't have to prove anything. You don't have to answer any questions. You don't have to convince him you aren't lying. You do not have to do or say anything to him at all.

He's an objectionable, seriously unpleasant piece of work. Please, DO NOT get back together with him.

Oeufff · Yesterday 16:23

This is a very dangerous man. What do you know about his relationship history. I would do a Clare’s Law request. He’s enacting the ‘nice/nasty’ cycle to keep reeling you back into punching distance.

I wouldn’t concern yourself about why or the details - just that he’s unhinged and potentially very dangerous to you. Women are most at risk of physical and mental violence when a relationship ends. Your job now is to protect yourself. Ring doorbell front and back. 24/7 dash cam on your car. Block and delete his number. Never answer calls from unidentified numbers. Tell him not to contact you ever again. Alert your friends, colleagues and family that he may try to intercept. If he makes contact with you 2 more times after you have asked him not to - this becomes a criminal offence and you must report him to the police. None of us know which of these dreadful controlling men become the murderers. Keep safe.

Shmee1988 · Yesterday 16:27

I am just trying to imagine the reverse of this one. If you went to his house for the first time, after he had been putting you off and there were lots of womens clothes there, and he said 'they are my mums'. I feel alot of people would be disbelieving or at least questioning.

Apollo23 · Yesterday 16:53

Whatbloodysummer · Yesterday 15:29

Absolutely controlling behaviour to demand that you prove that you live in your own fucking house !

Why should you ever need to 'defend' yourself from your partners accusations?

What the bloody hell is it to do with him what you had in your bloody fridge ffs??

He's an absolute controlling, manipulative bellend and you're well rid of him OP.

No-one needs a partner that accuses them of anything. No-one needs a partner who dumps them repeatedly, for invented reasons.

You were right to not allow him to come to your home previously. Obviously you were listening to your own gut with that OP, and you were 100% right.

Continue listening to your gut reactions, because that is the truth. He's all mouth and zero substance OP, and you know that he can never, ever be trusted, regardless of whatever crap spews from his mouth, so better not to ever listen to anything he has to say. It'll save you heartache and stress to block him totally.

Thank you for this , for so long he said to me why won’t you let me in , to you or your life…
and when I finally did he accused me of mental things then said Sunday was the final straw for him and left me

OP posts: