Is it control ?

[Apollo23]

So I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. We had a split during 8 months , had a month apart. Then slowly started speaking again.
He was very adamant that he was different and had done a lot of work to change his behaviour. It was slow at the start , I took it very slowly , he said how committed he was to this relationship and how sorry he was that it took to get to rock bottom to realise how much he loved me. Anyway , we were taking it slow and he was different for a few good weeks. Very different , until I invited him to my place , now he hadn’t seen my place because I wanted to be very solid and comfortable before showing my home. I finally did after his pressure about my own place, he came round over the weekend , my flat is very minimal , classy , well put together.
I had said to him there are my father’s clothes here as my father is a hoarder and I was helping him get rid of his clothes. Now I’m also in between homes as I care for my father , so there wasn’t as much personal belongings at my place when he visited it, he was fine on Friday and Saturday we had a lovely weekend. Sunday we had a little argument and he unleashed that I don’t live in that home , there’s men’s clothes , I’m not being honest , he wanted me to show him my clothes in order to prove I am living there. Many accusations were being thrown at me, I naturally defended myself , then I was called defensive and hiding something.
it was all apparently my fault. I didn’t speak to him the next day , then I had a text saying my radio silence spoke volumes. He ended our relationship, even though he swore he wouldn’t walk away and how if this relationship ends it would have to be my decision.
Our relationship ended before because , well he did things like this a lot. He didn’t trust me and well I gave him a second chance.
I guess I’m saying this and asking for just some help that I’m not nuts but totally devastated that he’s reverted back to his old self and not much change really has occurred.

Red flag? Whose flat would you assume she had brought you to? Her boyfriend’s, where she doesn’t herself live? It would take some kind of brass neck to take a boyfriend of 10 months’ standing to the house of your other boyfriend, no?

What a bizarre response.

The thing is, regardless of what he said, he DOES think you’re cheating. He’s just not saying that directly as he knows there is no specific grounds for it. Instead he is evasive and contradictory, which fucks with your head.

The reason he broke up with you was because you didn’t break down and cry and beg and show him every nook and cranny in your home until he was satisfied, and he realised he can’t control you the way he wants to control his girlfriend.

Thank you !

Why on earth does she need urgent therapy? She dumped an abusive guy, if she'd stayed with him she'd need therapy but she didn't.

You need therapy.

Correction, he dumped her. She's seen the light though.

He dumped her and she’s saying things like she blew it and she’s heartbroken and lost. If a man treated me like this, all I would feel is relief that I hadn’t wasted more time on him and/or relief that he hadn’t gotten violent with me.

Honestly, you should be skipping down the street and singing like Maria in the Sound of Music in total joy that you are now free of that total, utter arsehole. He’d have controlled you and chipped away at you until you didn’t even realise how diminished you felt.

Well he dumped me but I don’t think I need urgent therapy. Thank you

I think it is quite normal to have normal feelings of heartbreak as if he was such a terrible bastard 90% of the time , this would be much easier but he was very good at making me feel so loved and that he wanted to change and he did change for a short time now I know it was all a show

There is a saying that if even only 1% of a sandwich is made of shit, it is still a shit sandwich.

You loved only part of who he is, and he has admirably shown you the rest of him now, which is not lovable at all.

He says he doesn't even know what he's accusing you of. Yet he still accuses you, and you will go crazy trying to figure it out.

You cannot defend yourself against an accusation when you don't even know what it is. He is doing this deliberately to totally confuse and unsettle you, and make you feel desperate to cling onto him, if only you can prove to him you are worthy.

Can't you see what he's been doing to you?

True
I asked what I was being accused of he said “he doesn’t know” and he “can’t put his finger on it” that he “believes i am hiding something”

Do you think its normal behaviour for a man to look through your wardrobes, because it isn't.

He said he was looking for a hanger apparently even though I already gave him one…..

Same question applies.

You loved the man you thought he was not the person he has turned out to be.

Well I don’t think it’s normal
I’ve never looked through his wardrobe ever or any of his stuff.

He also always wanted to swap phones
I mean I had nothing to hide but I felt like everything was a trap that he would find a meaningless thing and make a huge thing out of that and leave me so I was always cautious of giving him my phone. I have a clear conscience totally. Never have I ever cheated

Have you blocked him?

He is trying to train you into accepting controlling behaviours. If this relationship were to continue how do you think it would proceed?

He is going to get worse not better and more and more controlling until it’s I don’t believe you are going to work, why are you jeans so tight etc

You need to stop trying to understand him as most people aren’t going to understand irrational jealousy and a need for control. What matters is why you put up with his crap for so long and what you can do to avoid bastards like him in the future

Yes he is blocked….

He blocked me first and unfriended me on Facebook , so I blocked back.
I don’t think he will reach out to be honest as his ego and fear of rejection is too high

Hun, first off I want to say how sorry I am that you are being put thru this. I too was in a very long(too long) relationship that was also how you describe. And it took me a very long time, countless countless days and nights at first defending myself while being devastated that he would even question my devotion to him, as it made me feel like I was failing him somehow or wasnt showing him enough love or that I deeply cared about him, countless days and nights begging him to believe me and trying any possible thing or way that I could think of to just snap out of whatever mindset he was in that was causing his feelings and his doubt in me. And then finally I went to a therapist and after a few weeks ande telling her exactly what was going on day after day , she brought up some damn good points and made me come to realize that it wasn't me that wasn't loving him enough or caring about him enough and it wasn't me that was doing anything wrong, other than crying day after day, or spending so much of my valuable time trying to convince him or begging him to believe me, it was HIM that was treating me wrong and accusing me of this and accusing me of that because HE was the one that was infact cheating on me and lying to me. And along with that I was forced to see the fact that his own insecurities added to that. So love, please do not waste any time doing all the things I did because if he truly was worthy of ur love and affection and companionship, he would never make you feel as if u did not deserve every bit of his love, affection and companionship!!! Because you are a QUEEN!!! AMD DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS ONE AND TO NEVER BE PIT IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU HAVE TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN UR BEAUTIFUL HEART WISHES FOR OR DESIRES!!💯❤️
So much 💜love to you and I hope that something I have shared helps you in some way__

This is so lovely thank you ever so much truly thank you

This. OP, please read this again and again. The pennies have started to drop but the gaslighting and coercive control he is using as his MO, plus any love bombing and pleading, is a recipe for a future where you are fearful, treading on eggshells and ultimately a shadow of who you used to be. Be strong.