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Is it control ?

155 replies

Apollo23 · 25/08/2026 12:12

So I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. We had a split during 8 months , had a month apart. Then slowly started speaking again.
He was very adamant that he was different and had done a lot of work to change his behaviour. It was slow at the start , I took it very slowly , he said how committed he was to this relationship and how sorry he was that it took to get to rock bottom to realise how much he loved me. Anyway , we were taking it slow and he was different for a few good weeks. Very different , until I invited him to my place , now he hadn’t seen my place because I wanted to be very solid and comfortable before showing my home. I finally did after his pressure about my own place, he came round over the weekend , my flat is very minimal , classy , well put together.
I had said to him there are my father’s clothes here as my father is a hoarder and I was helping him get rid of his clothes. Now I’m also in between homes as I care for my father , so there wasn’t as much personal belongings at my place when he visited it, he was fine on Friday and Saturday we had a lovely weekend. Sunday we had a little argument and he unleashed that I don’t live in that home , there’s men’s clothes , I’m not being honest , he wanted me to show him my clothes in order to prove I am living there. Many accusations were being thrown at me, I naturally defended myself , then I was called defensive and hiding something.
it was all apparently my fault. I didn’t speak to him the next day , then I had a text saying my radio silence spoke volumes. He ended our relationship, even though he swore he wouldn’t walk away and how if this relationship ends it would have to be my decision.
Our relationship ended before because , well he did things like this a lot. He didn’t trust me and well I gave him a second chance.
I guess I’m saying this and asking for just some help that I’m not nuts but totally devastated that he’s reverted back to his old self and not much change really has occurred.

OP posts:
CamillaMcCauley · 28/08/2026 21:00

Apollo23 · 28/08/2026 20:51

I just can’t believe he would even talk about a future girlfriend how he wants a calmer one !!! When I would just react to his accusations or suspicions!!!!

when he wrote that I was just wow

That’s how narcissism works. They do or say something outrageous, provocative or horrible, you react to it (which can simply mean denying the outrageous claim or accusation) and they turn your reaction into the problem. You’re left thinking “Seriously?! That’s what you are taking away from this?”

It’s an ego defence. They absolutely cannot admit to their own problematic patterns of behaviour, they have to make it all about someone else.

You have to just step away. There is no end to the number of times they will say something and your natural reaction will be, “Wait, WHAT?!” They do not live in reality, they live in a fantasy world in which they are a hero and also the victim of everyone else’s terrible behavior.

Apollo23 · 28/08/2026 21:00

bitontheobtuse · 28/08/2026 20:56

He didn't write it. He got AI to write it for him and it is a monumental pile of absolute rubbish. Pay no attention to it whatsoever.

How do you know he didn’t write it

OP posts:
CamillaMcCauley · 28/08/2026 21:02

Apollo23 · 28/08/2026 21:00

How do you know he didn’t write it

Personally I think he probably did write it as it has far more of a flavour of classic narcissism than classic AI to me (and I’m an editor who works on material written with the help of AI every week).

PinkHibiscusFlowers · 28/08/2026 21:13

He’s deffo fed his thoughts into AI so it’s a bit of both - but he’s still real life prick

Apollo23 · 28/08/2026 21:20

CamillaMcCauley · 28/08/2026 21:02

Personally I think he probably did write it as it has far more of a flavour of classic narcissism than classic AI to me (and I’m an editor who works on material written with the help of AI every week).

Interesting !!! I do think he wrote it or maybe mixed abit with ai

OP posts:
Apollo23 · 28/08/2026 21:22

He has never ever said anything ever about a future woman and all he says is he wants a woman to be his calm but he isn’t a calm person at all himself and he can start the issues and I always said well you’ll get a calm woman when you treat her well !

OP posts:
CamillaMcCauley · 28/08/2026 21:26

Apollo23 · 28/08/2026 21:22

He has never ever said anything ever about a future woman and all he says is he wants a woman to be his calm but he isn’t a calm person at all himself and he can start the issues and I always said well you’ll get a calm woman when you treat her well !

Yes, that’s a man who’s incapable of emotional regulation telling on himself.

On reflection, I think it would be best to just reply “Okay, hope that works out for you, dickhead” and move on, as it’s honest yet also conveys the gravitas that his pretentious essay deserves.

HappyHedgehog247 · 28/08/2026 21:34

This is very controlling behaviour. Please don't let him come back into your life again, however much he tries to convince you.

Copperoliverbear · 28/08/2026 21:50

Block him and run for the hills.

Apollo23 · 28/08/2026 21:53

And then when I called him out on it all

he immediately reacted back and said

“it’s clear to me you haven’t changed , this is why I left you on Sunday” all that

OP posts:
CamillaMcCauley · 28/08/2026 21:57

Apollo23 · 28/08/2026 21:53

And then when I called him out on it all

he immediately reacted back and said

“it’s clear to me you haven’t changed , this is why I left you on Sunday” all that

Just stop engaging with him. It will just be an endless back and forth of him denying his behavior and calling you the problem. Cut him off. You won’t get closure from him, you have to give it to yourself.

lauribec · 28/08/2026 22:07

Speaking from experience, this unfortunately won’t ever better 😩 don’t take him back.

TessSaysYes · 28/08/2026 22:10

Just be happy you don't have to put up with his BS anymore. Oh and block his number if you haven't already

vodkaredbullgirl · 29/08/2026 04:25

BLOCK HIM

pictoosh · 29/08/2026 09:19

Good grief he's absolutely full of himself.

Right so...the thing about controlling and narcissistic people is that they don't think they are controlling or narcissistic, they think they are right.
They think they are intelligent and insightful and that's why you ought to concede to them. Your disagreement or alternative point of view only serves as proof of your obstinance and stupidity. They feel genuinely maligned by a refusal to concede to them.

There is nothing...NOTHING that you can do to make them see the light. You will only dim your own in the process of trying.

If he has come at you all high and mighty then fine. With all the information he has, that's what he wants to think. Let him. Let him trot off bemoaning your 'chaos' while he seeks his peace. Good luck to him and goodbye.

pictoosh · 29/08/2026 09:23

Apollo23 · 28/08/2026 21:53

And then when I called him out on it all

he immediately reacted back and said

“it’s clear to me you haven’t changed , this is why I left you on Sunday” all that

Stop calling him out. He'll have an answer for everything. It's a waste of your energy and time.
Make peace with never having your point of view accepted. It's not validation you're aiming for with this one...it's indifference.
Trust.

Mooseylooseyloo · 29/08/2026 09:30

You are going to lead a miserable life with this man if you take him back again. He needs to go to therapy to work on his own issues. Move on with your life, block him and dont look back.

Apollo23 · 29/08/2026 09:31

Why am I struggling so much with this my brain knows it but my heart hasn’t caught up. As I thought this guy was genuine ! And wanted a real stable relationship with me but then again he never lets me go either

OP posts:
pictoosh · 29/08/2026 10:36

He has let you go...he's finished things with you. That's your out.

If you don't want to be let go of that's different.

After releasing a bizarre jealous tirade over your home and belongings he has morphed into the victim of the piece, maligned by your bad behaviour.
It doesn't make sense...and yet.

Manipulation is hard to navigate. He's humbled and in love with you...then he's protecting his peace from you. How dare you deflect his bullying and paranoia?

He writes wordy, earnest, righteous paragraphs about himself which he doubtlessly thinks are brilliant.

It's objectively vile. So SO difficult for you to be objective though. You have been toyed with. It's not your fault.

Comtesse · 29/08/2026 11:22

Anyone who writes messages like that is a twat of the highest order. Self important, fake and unbearably pompous. It’s like he’s playing a part, and suggests a tenuous grip on reality. None of these things are good qualities in a boyfriend.

Apollo23 · 29/08/2026 14:56

pictoosh · 29/08/2026 10:36

He has let you go...he's finished things with you. That's your out.

If you don't want to be let go of that's different.

After releasing a bizarre jealous tirade over your home and belongings he has morphed into the victim of the piece, maligned by your bad behaviour.
It doesn't make sense...and yet.

Manipulation is hard to navigate. He's humbled and in love with you...then he's protecting his peace from you. How dare you deflect his bullying and paranoia?

He writes wordy, earnest, righteous paragraphs about himself which he doubtlessly thinks are brilliant.

It's objectively vile. So SO difficult for you to be objective though. You have been toyed with. It's not your fault.

I am finding this all very hard and very confusing , I mean wtf he has left me non stop for probably 10 months the whole duration of our relationship….

OP posts:
Apollo23 · 29/08/2026 14:59

I mean what I don’t get is well he doesn’t have a high paying job right he struggles financially, badly …

he lives in a tiny shitty apartment and has done for 15 plus years.

i mean I’m not judging but wtf has he got to be so self righteous about !!

OP posts:
Apollo23 · 29/08/2026 15:01

Oh and he doesn’t crypto and has been telling me he’s waiting on an investment for 3 years …..

said all the holidays we are going to go on

didn’t go on any vacation.

his poor mum adored me but even his mum said to me “he’s no good for you” I mean fuck

OP posts:
PocketSand · 29/08/2026 15:55

Abusive men are not abusive 90% of the time from the get go. First there is love bombing with zero abuse. The abuse ramps up slowly over time. And accelerates in times of increased dependency - illness, pregnancy, childbirth.

We don’t get stuck in abusive relationships with known shits or because we are needy or stupid. we all start off thinking we’ve met the ideal partner. This is what they pretend to be for a while. Honestly unless this is a one off I think you should think of doing the freedom programme to set appropriate boundaries / especially given your experience as carer for your parent. Not because you did anything wrong but because predatory men sniff out those who are used to playing this role.

MsGreying · 29/08/2026 16:30

My mother gave me almost no dating advice ever.

Apart from: If you break up with someone, don't get back with them.

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