Is it control ?

[Apollo23]

So I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. We had a split during 8 months , had a month apart. Then slowly started speaking again.
He was very adamant that he was different and had done a lot of work to change his behaviour. It was slow at the start , I took it very slowly , he said how committed he was to this relationship and how sorry he was that it took to get to rock bottom to realise how much he loved me. Anyway , we were taking it slow and he was different for a few good weeks. Very different , until I invited him to my place , now he hadn’t seen my place because I wanted to be very solid and comfortable before showing my home. I finally did after his pressure about my own place, he came round over the weekend , my flat is very minimal , classy , well put together.
I had said to him there are my father’s clothes here as my father is a hoarder and I was helping him get rid of his clothes. Now I’m also in between homes as I care for my father , so there wasn’t as much personal belongings at my place when he visited it, he was fine on Friday and Saturday we had a lovely weekend. Sunday we had a little argument and he unleashed that I don’t live in that home , there’s men’s clothes , I’m not being honest , he wanted me to show him my clothes in order to prove I am living there. Many accusations were being thrown at me, I naturally defended myself , then I was called defensive and hiding something.
it was all apparently my fault. I didn’t speak to him the next day , then I had a text saying my radio silence spoke volumes. He ended our relationship, even though he swore he wouldn’t walk away and how if this relationship ends it would have to be my decision.
Our relationship ended before because , well he did things like this a lot. He didn’t trust me and well I gave him a second chance.
I guess I’m saying this and asking for just some help that I’m not nuts but totally devastated that he’s reverted back to his old self and not much change really has occurred.

Agree.
Adding my voice to the many others confirming that this is appalling controlling behaviour. And he will be back, no question, trying to restart the relationship.

OP, Mumsnetters have spoken with one voice on this thread. Are you now satisfied that your instincts are correct? How do you feel about it all now?

I guess I’m saying this and asking for just some help that I’m not nuts but totally devastated that he’s reverted back to his old self and not much change really has occurred
he showed you who he was and you thought he would suddenly change? Block him and dont give him another thought. He is dangerous.

Things he also said apparently the way I opened my wardrobe to get him a hanger he said was suspicious “like you’re hiding something”
he said you didn’t open the full wardrobe! I said whattt
he also made a comment about when I tapped my dog on the nose for misbehaving and he said how uncomfortable that made him.
In his big leaving essay he pulled up all the grievances he was feeling about me. That my office was like a “showroom” , he wanted me to show him where my underwear was and when I refused because how absurd that is he said “you just can’t prove it can you”.
Saturday we had what he called a perfect day together , then in the argument he said it was perfect because of him , that he kept the peace ! That apparently he was always one word away from me wobbling he said !

Then he was looking over my shoulder when I message my father , I look after my dad he’s blind and he knew that. Anyway my father had messaged me “are you popping in or out” as I go and visit him everyday and I replied “out” shorthand. He then saw that and later on again in his letter of why he’s leaving he said “why wouldn’t you say I’m staying at my home or apartment” he even found that weird and something to pick up. He said there are sooo many inconsistencies. I thought whatttt

Are you aware that feeling confused, uncertain, questioning yourself, head going in circles trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense etc are signs of being in an abusive relationship?

I mean I’m very confused , my head is spinning trying to make sense of this. I feel drained , heartbroken , lost 😞

You can’t make sense of it because it doesn’t make sense from a normal perspective. You are seeing things correctly; he is fucked in the head.

All because I kept my fathers things in my flat and was in the process of shifting my things and I said to him that I was buying double of everything I had… ordering new clothes and he didn’t believe that. Said my story fell flat.
That Sunday was the final straw and his trust in me died then…
And I blew it ….

fucking hell op you need therapy inmediately. YOU blew it? He is a dnagerius man. Really dangerous. Everything you have posted about him is textbook abusive. Make an appointment with your gp today and read her your posts. Someone might bullet point then for you. Ask for a referral.

Agreed. You need urgent therapy @Apollo23

The fact that you’re managing your father’s hoarding issues makes me think you have a history of close relationships with people who have disordered thinking and you are prone to over-responsibility for the feelings of others.

You did not blow it. I’m so sorry OP that you are going through these emotions but it’s not you that blew it.

As you think back you are remembering the times he didn’t believe you, was suspicious of you. At your work. At your flat. Asking to see your underwear drawer! Honestly this sounds deeply worrying.
It is very hard for you as an honest trusting person, to come to terms with this, and you will want to convince him you are not lying, not untrustworthy. This will only end badly. Don’t communicate with him any more.
I’m already concerned that you say you love him. Unfortunately the man you fell in love with was hiding terrible flaws. So you don’t love him I’m so sorry. You love the person he pretended to be. But now he’s gradually shown who he really is. Paranoid. Angry, accusatory. Nothing will be good enough. Of course he’s not going to show you this on the first date. But you are looking back now and seeing the signs aren’t you?
Stay strong.

It just I can’t wrap my head around him telling me I’ve been “found out” that my game is over
the performance is over !

Stop giving him head space, it's over be glad of it and block him.

Of course you can’t! The real question is why are you even trying?
The kindest you can say is this is a man with very disordered thinking. You are not going to unravel it I’m afraid. He needs a therapist, not a partner. He’s not well.
But his attacks on you ( for that is what they are) have a purpose don’t they. They keep you dancing to his tune. So it may be that this is an effective strategy to control you, something he’s learned that works well. Maybe he saw his father act this way with his mother… who knows. Maybe he thinks relationships with women are about controlling them. Sadly this is an increasingly popular view.
You are well out OP. Count your blessings.

Actually… who cares what he thinks or why he thinks it. What matters is whether his behaviour is acceptable to you.

As PP said, he actually sounds dangerous. Stay away for your own safety and sanity.

Dont give him any headspace. He's not thinking normally. Stat away

OP - this man is horrible.

The lovely, loving, perfect man that you thought he was (and seem to continue to believe he is), was an act. He put that act on to suck you in, to make you believe that you'd hit the jackpot. He made you fall for him (and I bet he told you he'd fallen for you too - lots of lovebombing, look it up).

Then he withdraws the affection. This makes you crave getting back to the perfection you had at first, so you perform for him. You try to do everything 'right' so he'll be the man you first met. And he is, for a while. Then he tries the 'pulling holes in your story' line. What he is wanting is for you to crawl to him, explaining everything in huge detail. He will then, very generously, agree to take you back as long as you never do it again.

And you will tie yourself in knots trying to never step over a line that you don't know is there, that he continually moves. You become like a dog trained with cruelty, whipped and obsequious, doubting yourself and every move you make.

He isn't the lovely man you thought you fell in love with. He is a cruel, controlling abuser and you need to stay well away from him, however much he pleads and begs and tells you you are the only woman for him. He enjoys your upset, just remember that.

In the same situation I would also assume that the flat is not yours. I wouldn't confront you though and just end things without any accusations. He's an arsehole the way he's gone about it.

Bloody hell, he’s unhinged!
I know you think you love him but blimey, you need to block and move on. The man is unwell and it’s not your job to fix him.

Even though my toiletries, slippers , makeup , perfume , clothes were there…..
and I only been there for a few months…
he did accuse me but he ended it straight away because I didn’t give him proof on the spot.
you don’t just end a relationship like that just because you suspect something you talk about it, I gave him every single answer to his questions and didn’t stumble.

But he ended the relationship because he wants you to be really grateful when he comes back - that's the point. If it hadn't been 'thinking it wasn't your apartment' it would have been you looking inappropriately at a neighbour or taking in parcels for someone (meaning you meant to see them later, secretly) or money having been spent on some fixtures or fittings that he couldn't see how you could afford...

Do you see? It's not about what he says, it's about his behaviour. He WANTS you to be miserable now because then you will be so relieved and happy when he comes back that you will appease him. Like a dog.

Going by your earlier posts you didn't have any of your things around, as you are in the process of buying things. The fridge is stocked with items you don't use, the whole place is full of things that belong to another person.
I bring my toiletries and a change of clothes and slippers if I go for an overnight stay too. Doesn't mean I live there.
Also, I currently live on essentially a building site. However, if anyone was to visit, there would be no doubt at all that this is MY building site.

It would be downright stupid not to see your situation as a red flag. I would be very cautious and would most likely end it. But then I have plenty of experience of men lying about where they live/ who they are.

He was unnecessarily a complete bellend about it and you should be glad it's over.
Enjoy setting up your flat and the nice new things free of unnecessary judgement!💐

No I’ve said in other posts that there were clothes and even all my dirty laundry in my laundry bin.
he had never seen my way of living before , so because I have an appleizer in the fridge as I don’t always drink those but sometimes like one , means it’s not my flat !

My apartment had my father’s belongings in it yes.
old men’s clothes that are XXL
I asked him if he thinks I’m cheating he said no
I asked him what he’s accusing me of , he said I don’t know