Is it control ?

[Apollo23]

So I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. We had a split during 8 months , had a month apart. Then slowly started speaking again.
He was very adamant that he was different and had done a lot of work to change his behaviour. It was slow at the start , I took it very slowly , he said how committed he was to this relationship and how sorry he was that it took to get to rock bottom to realise how much he loved me. Anyway , we were taking it slow and he was different for a few good weeks. Very different , until I invited him to my place , now he hadn’t seen my place because I wanted to be very solid and comfortable before showing my home. I finally did after his pressure about my own place, he came round over the weekend , my flat is very minimal , classy , well put together.
I had said to him there are my father’s clothes here as my father is a hoarder and I was helping him get rid of his clothes. Now I’m also in between homes as I care for my father , so there wasn’t as much personal belongings at my place when he visited it, he was fine on Friday and Saturday we had a lovely weekend. Sunday we had a little argument and he unleashed that I don’t live in that home , there’s men’s clothes , I’m not being honest , he wanted me to show him my clothes in order to prove I am living there. Many accusations were being thrown at me, I naturally defended myself , then I was called defensive and hiding something.
it was all apparently my fault. I didn’t speak to him the next day , then I had a text saying my radio silence spoke volumes. He ended our relationship, even though he swore he wouldn’t walk away and how if this relationship ends it would have to be my decision.
Our relationship ended before because , well he did things like this a lot. He didn’t trust me and well I gave him a second chance.
I guess I’m saying this and asking for just some help that I’m not nuts but totally devastated that he’s reverted back to his old self and not much change really has occurred.

I don’t mind the questioning
I was very open to it , I told him they are my father’s personal belongings. I let him looking at the clothes I mean my goodness they were XXL clothes and looked like an old man’s wardrobe. Even then it doesn’t excuse the leaving the relationship, I asked him does he think I’m cheating he said no.
so

Don't try to analyse him @Apollo23
He isn't worth your time or energy.

I think you should ask the police for a Clare's Law disclosure. It'll be very revealing.

Totally this. He's the nuts one and is probably doing that thing that nuts people do, treating you you crazily badly and seeing how far they can push your boundaries. Just stop all contact with him, he's going to make someone very very miserable one day.

Also @Apollo23- there are bad actors on MN - mainly incels and abusive men like your X …. you are not obliged to acknowledge or respond to their twisted nonsense. They are sad that women are on to their dark ways and want to gaslight posters.

Dear OP everything he asks you has the subtext that you are lying. He doesn’t believe your account and he doesn’t trust you. The more you rush to defend and explain the worse it gets.
But…you don’t need to justify yourself, argue, defend or explain. This is called JADE. In fact this is the bit he is enjoying- getting you to plead with him.
This is not the behaviour of a respectful adult is it.

Do you want to be with someone who thinks you are a liar? That is his opinion of you- you are a liar. And this is classic controlling behaviour- you become desperate to prove him wrong, he creates even more scenarios to attack you.
Dont worry about him leaving the relationship. I’m more worried that you didn’t! I’m glad you got out of this but next time I hope you will have the self respect to say “I’d like you to leave” when anyone accuses you of lying. And don’t invite such people into your home…ever.

It doesn't matter what his excuse was for leaving the relationship.

The great news is that he's gone and you don't have to justify anything to him ever again. Good riddance.

"He ended the relationship countless times" - really, in only 10 months? And then he thought your home "isn't feminine enough" and was suspicious about the contents of your wardrobe and fridge? The man's a fucking loon and potentially big, big trouble. You need to keep as far away from him as your legs will carry you.

This is not normal behaviour. Thankfully he's saved you the trouble of dumping him. Do not go back to him whatever he says or does. He will not change, but will say he has. He hasn't.

I would suggest you read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. It will teach you about the ways in which men abuse women. Some of it will be familiar to you.

OMG! He is a psychopath. Never go back!

This is your out. By God take it.

He's ended things. Fucking sweet!
Block, dismiss, cut off, radio silence. Be very very glad that the bastard left by himself.

When he did accuse me I did say you should leave now

Sweetheart, I’ve been out with some absolute wankers over the years but I’ve never experienced anything remotely like this….please , please he is bonkers…..stay well away x

You cannot make a relationship work with a man who insists that you are not the person you know yourself to be.

My (controlling) ex several times accused me of lying or having hidden agendas, or would say things like “I didn’t tell you x because you would have done y” or would call me controlling but not be able to say what I was doing that was controlling.

He was interacting with an imagined version of me that was all based on his insecurities, not the reality of who I was. For a long time I was baffled at why he did it. Eventually I learned that it was because his own life was a lie in many ways so he was operating from an assumption that others were like him.

You’ve never known anything like it !

So interesting but how did you get through it I really did love him and I’m devastated

You are pretty early on in your relationship so I guess you are not as beaten down by his behaviours as I became. By the time I left my ex, I loathed him and only felt joy and relief to be out of the relationship.

I would say therapy might help as if you didn’t recognise and feel repelled by the many red flags your ex has shown you, I’d guess there are patterns from your past that are making you think this kind of mistreatment is tolerable or somehow workable in a relationship. You might be over-giving or a people-pleaser or have seen similar patterns in your childhood.

Oh you have massively dodged a bullet! 10 months and so much drama already, this is definitely not a healthy relationship. He shouldn't be questioning you at all, he sounds extremely controlling. Do not take him back when he starts trying to talk you round again. In fact, block him on everything so he can't contact you. Don't give him any more headspace, keep busy, make some plans with your mates and start moving on, don't waste your time analysing everything he's said and what went wrong!

And for some reason in my head I think to myself , well if I had more of my clothes there then he wouldn’t have questioned me or if I got rid of my fathers things he wouldn’t have thought I had someone there and he wouldn’t have left me

If you are unsure usually the majority of people asking if they are being unreasonable are matched with lunatics.
Break free ..he has probs and leave him to it

Even if you did I expect he would have found something else to be suspicious of. He's obviously very insecure for whatever reason, you haven't done anything wrong.
In my experience men who are controlling and jealous like this are the type who cheat and lie and therefore expect everybody else to be doing the same.
Anyway if you did have another man living there you are hardly likely to leave lots of his clothes out when you have invited him round, that doesn't make sense.
I understand that you like him a lot but this is not a healthy relationship and will most likely only get worse. He is very unlikely to change and that will mean that you have to walk on eggshells constantly trying to placate him. Please don't take responsibility for his behaviour and remember and I know I've already said this but it is worth saying again that you have not done anything wrong!

You said he was already behaving this way before he even came over to you house. So it’s not about your clothes. It’s not about your father’s clothes. And you’re still not grasping that he’s done you a massive favour by leaving.

He is so obviously not a good man. What makes you think he is?