The Dating Thread 62 - They'll be FALLing for you 💖💕💘

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Well I may sound composed - internally I’m a raging screaming psycho lol - not really but it varies and I’m going back over stuff. I do forget things fast - mainly anger tbh - so I won’t be outraged next week.
It’s not a huge surprise as some stuff was odd - but I held back on trying to build accusations out of thin air or look and stalk etc - and did think it’d become clear what were the oddities - whether his quirks or a bit of a bad thing - but the magnitude of this and realising I was a bit on the side was a shock.

I know it’s not valid to feel I wasn’t ’good enough’ but I feel that.

i did everything differently this time around - to no avail lol - but I’m also gonna handle the expected dump text differently and not be tempted by the ‘pick me dance’ - well be tempted but not do it! Hopefully at least these will work out better than other changes did!

Meant to say he doesn’t always connect the obvious very well in normal life, so idk whether he didn’t think through possible consequences or was arrogant enough to think they wouldn’t happen.
Also of course the big thing to him would be - wtf why were you stalking me! Hmm lol

@MsJinks that’s rubbish but well done on keeping cool and thinking it through. I’m very old and don’t get all the checking stuff but burner fb made me laugh. Being thick but do you know he’s away with a woman romantically or you suspect it ?

Wow so many new faces it’s brilliant but I can’t keep up !

@empirebiscuits12 that was my first loo update on here ! Hope it was a good date
@Nosdacariad , I joined after Planes but he gets a lot of mentions is he definitely history….?

As next week approaches I’m by turns excited and nervous. After seven months of only being together a few hours and overnight once a week to three days together is going to be interesting. One thing I want to understand better after that is what his timeline is on spending all his free time with his parents in France is. For various reasons I haven’t followed up on that information from when he told me a month ago but I am ready to now. It’s not complex, but as in if he envisages spending all his free time in France for another six months then I would like to know that so I can decide if I want to continue like this. The other thing is if this contact pattern is going to be the same can he improve his comms. @CountBoscoTheSecondsWife its interesting to read about you thanking someone for messaging so little ! Guess we are all different.

@comingintomyown- So I know it as in it’s very obvious and explains quite a few inconsistencies in the last couple of months.
But I can’t absolutely know to hold up in court no - as Chat GPT pointed out lol
But either either there are the obfuscations and the clear impression he gave of going solo.
I am attracted to the outcome being - let him explain it and me be ok with the explanation - but that would be my brain rejecting facts for comfort.
I’m not sure about seeing him if he tries to carry us on as per normal as though there’s a lot I may want to say I’m not good at looking sane and practical lol and could be talked around.
I am actually expecting a ‘nice’ break up text on his return for various reasons, and idk whether to ask to see him so I can have my say and understand what I was but maybe I shouldn’t as per above!
As you can tell my mind is spinning around many possibilities and I just hope this week or so allows me time to know what sits best for me.

But much more importantly- I’d not realised it was going to ramp up to 3 days together - I’ve not caught up properly still! But this is fabulous news - really pleased for you. I get the bit of nerves of how that will be but I think it will be great - and hopefully help resolve the difficulties of the whole thing and have my fingers crossed for you. So nice to have good news on here and looking forward to more 💗
Edited as I can’t bloody read today - sorry Lif you read original!

Do you and Mr T discuss that you were exclusive or in a relationship? If not I’m guessing he’s going to use that as his defence 😕

Oh @MsJinks I can’t believe what I’m reading 🙁 what an absolute shit Tree is. I admire your ability to stay calm at the moment because I would be losing my shit and blowing up his phone if it was me, but then I have a tendency to go from 0-100. I hope you’re doing as well as you can under the circumstances? 🤍

@MsJinks none of this is because of something you've done or not done and please don't worry about how you sound to him or us.

If you do speak to him you can say "a friend" took a look. Or refuse to say how you know. That's not the thing at issue.

I'm so disgusted that he thinks it ok to two time you and in any case being confused about him is so much less than you deserve ♥️

So my date with Mr Bright last night. He looked like his photos, probably better if I’m honest. He was great company and the chat just flowed easily. He was very complimentary and I could tell he was keen, which was nice. He got me into a taxi at the end of the night and we exchanged a few messages after we got home, but his last one ended with “hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend”. I’m not too sure what to make of that? I feel like I shouldn’t message him again until after the weekend now 😕

Heading out for a bit but I’ll reply properly to other updates once I’m back 🙂

@comingintomyown yeah Planes is history. He seems to still be single though.

@Thiswillbefun @empirebiscuits12 exciting times!

@CleanShirt sending love xxx

@Chocolatefreak oh you got the guy with ED he refused to get help for too?

I swear they think each time they try a different woman it will magically be resolved! No concept it might be a them thing.

At some point do they not reflect on whether they should be dating...

No job, no home, unadressed health issues...some woman is bound to snap me up!

Eta BTW it is so lovely here. On another thread I was told off for quoting the whole OP. Is that bad?

Eta @MsJinks I find Chat a bit gaslighty. It was on Planes' side about the drinks with the ex and his drinking generally.

Nearly did that haha and used to do that, but not a lot I can do whilst he’s in Spain, and it’s never helped long term. And I’m not sure what I want to do but seeing him face to face is an option in my head and I’d lose that one if I blew up his phone! He’d get an easy out - idk what you on about and you’re a crazy lady - and we are so over!

I’m also getting impression I have been the bit on the side so I’m very disposable here and I mightn’t get any points in I may decide I want to!

Well I won’t be telling him or proving anything. I’m not upgrading his cheater’s handbook for him lol!
I’ll either just ask for a rough timeline of events and go ok to whatever bullshit I get or just directly say - you did not disclose this and that took away my choices on certain things which is not fair or decent. If I can be arsed by next week that is - looking doubtful lol
ETA - I no it’s not valid but my heart wonders why I’m always the hapoy shag but not girlfriend material - I won’t ask that one though lol

Just quickly something I can’t work out…. Posters talk about being left on read which I assume means you sent the last text and it’s been read but no reply ?
If that is the case surely by definition someone is always left on read otherwise it would be a never ending convo ?

@AlwaysCarrieSATC- exclusive yes but I’m a haphazard and once drunk way - but it counts!
What we were no - I’d been debating that - he was aware I didn’t want FWB - I guess I didn’t specify I didn’t want to be a bit on the side though lol
He doesn’t need a defence - idc enough about all the details - I’d like a rough headline guide on how it came to this - you’re right he’ll have his excuses - so I may just be left with not much idea on it at all - I’ll live with that - it’s common - I may want to say my bit but I may not in the end too - idk.

So sorry to hear about Mr Tree @MsJinks I had such high hopes for you & you've seemed so happy!! How long have you been seeing each other again? Did he tell you he was going on a solo holiday?

Echo what @Nosdacariad said, definitely not a reflection on you or your worth. What an idiot! (Him not you!!)

How do you think you're going to approach it?

I still feel a little bit anxious that he'll suddenly change his mind like last time after seeming to be super into me & I've got into my own head a bit this week. But whenever I see him I feel comfortable & much more relaxed so I'm just trying to quell my anxiety & enjoy being in the moment. I spent Wed evening with him & stayed last night. We both have our own plans today so am over his again tonight afterwards.

I have a horrible ex who won't be happy when he finds out I'm seeing someone (we split over 3 years ago!!) & Mr Smile did admit to me that it worried him before hence why he avoided taking me out locally/publicly too much. However, this time although the worry is still there we've been out more & he said we'll just deal with it. I think he's a bit worried of the back lash I'll get but I get crap off my ex all the time whatever I do so 🤷‍♀️

Thank you - the dates were awesome but obviously well tainted now.

Definitely solo and I get texts about what he (I) is doing.

Last one I answered and said hope it’s a great diving thing he was doing when actually I hope he gets eaten by a shark - the shark would then not need to eat others a good while though lol - meow!

idk - I actually expect to be dumped via text on his return to tidy his mess up as this is a ramp up in the relationship for them - it’d be wild if he just carried on! I get this impression too from some stuff over the last week - been nicer if he’d fast forwarded it but maybe he was worried I’d be ‘psycho’ - as we all often are to their mind!

If he dumps I may or may not ask to meet up to clarify some stuff but that’s a risk

If he carries on then idk when or how to approach that.

if he just drifts it, which would be very him, then idk either.

As you can see my mind is actually psycho with lots of scenarios going on!

I wouldn't read into that too much. It's just a way to round off the text but also, would there be a need to keep texting across the weekend? It sounds quite secure on his part. If you want to message him, you absolutely can!!

I will confess that when I was seeing my casual guy I used to add that to the end of my texts as a very intentional way to communicate that I wasn't expecting more from him, and space was expected and fine. But if he wanted to message or see me he would, and if he wanted to ghost me for three weeks, he still would, so there you go.

I think on balance women use text communication far differently from men. For us it holds all the clues. For them it's just a means to an end.¹

I’m gutted on your behalf, he sounded like a good one. I’m sorry 😞

Honestly if I were you I’d message him and say you know, why should he enjoy his break thinking he’s got away with it. Who cares if he thinks you’ve stalked him, you’ve been seeing eachother a long term and there shouldn’t have been anything to hide even if you did check his Facebook.
he’s a knob xx

Sorry, fell asleep on the sofa last night, and have just been doing some one to one tuition this morning that I had to cancel due to emergencies with mom - but I am back in the room now.

@MsJinksI am utterly in awe of your self restraint in not contacting him about this - I would have been doing everything in my power to ruin his trip by berating him on all possible platforms! (No idea why my relationship is never work out....;) )

I think that if you want the chance to speak to him face to face, you are sadly probably right to play it like this - a lot of guys who lie and cheat like this are also essentially cowards in my experience. In fact, I often think they end up in these situations put of cowardice - because they don't have the nerve to actually be a grown up and break relationships off in an adult way when they have run their course.

There are numerous possibilities here, and I wouldn't immediately assume that you are the "other woman". One possibility that springs to mind, for example, is that they maybe had this trip booked when they were still together, then broke up, but then she suggested they go anyway, and he is too much of a pathetic coward to say to her "Actually that's not appropriate because I am now seeing somebody else."

Even if you ARE the OW this is solely a comment on him, not you. So PLEASE don't think that he has done this because you are somehow "not good enough'. You are more than good enough. In fact you are more than fucking good enough, and way too good for a craven, dishonest fool like him....

I’d be phoning him. I couldn’t settle.

Have you thought about getting in there first? Tell him you know he wasn't alone on his holiday & that you no longer want to see him? Or is there a part of you hoping & holding on that it will turn out ok?

Ps I hope the sharks hungry 🤣

Well - as in the classic cheaters’ playbook we never phone! I think he’d just not answer and block if I continued. Tbh our relationship never got to this say what you fucking think stage - so clearly a but on the side when I look back.

@Ilovelurchers- he’d just say I was deluded and probably block - I never had restraint before lol - I’m doing this so differently - probably same outcome! He was seeing her over 2024-5 but not sure this year but definitely from a month after I met him though I obviously can’t verify context of that. I still have my super detective stalker in me - however much I tried to switch it off lol

I do have one absolutely nuclear option I contemplated but I’m not doing that lol - I may let it drop that I have this when we meet to part - let him fucking sweat.

I have realised we are both texting falsehoods each side - fucking surreal and I don’t like it as I feel dishonest - but I am holding out for options. I’m hoping that I am not holding out in some sense to see if we can continue somehow but it is a possibility I’m aware could be there - sigh.

@MsJinkshave you thought about telling the woman?

There are loads and loads and loads of good reasons why you shouldn't I know. And yet......