The Dating Thread 62 - They'll be FALLing for you 💖💕💘

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been approached in the wild to be honest. I work from home and my social life is pretty dead though, so not many opportunities for this to happen. All my friends are coupled up or have young-ish kids, so it’s super hard trying to pin anyone down to go socialising with. It tends to be meeting in each others houses tbh. The most I do in public is walk my dog 😂 I did have a brief encounter with a very handsome dog walker but never saw him again (not that there was any “approaching” going on. I just fancied him and proceeded to walk the same walk a few times hoping to bump into him again 😂).

Same here.

Kate Taylor advises going to the same place every week.

Not sure I'm ready for the pub by myself though 😁

@Nosdacariad @empirebiscuits12 I was the same for about 7 years but last year or so I'm out a lot more, just locally. We have a late bar in our village so men can be quite brazen. Mom friends can be very bad at going out...I think that's probably half the reason us single moms are interested in dating at all!
eta damn that hot dog walker

Also a single mum.
Maybe I need to pluck up courage!

@CountBoscoTheSecondsWife Haha, love that it rots at the bottom of your handbag 😄 I tend to panic when a man approaches me IRL. Probably because the only ones who ever do are a good 10 years or so younger. I like to think it’s because I look young, but the reality is there are probably just more single guys in that age group!

@Ilovelurchers That’s a pod bit of self reflection. Do you think it might be a good idea to explore it further with your therapist before speaking to your ex about the vibe change? It sounds like perhaps it would be helpful to understand your own feelings first just in case he gives you a good reason for the change.

I unpaused my Bumble profile earlier this week, don’t know if it was a good idea or not..

Was about to swipe right on a profile but he had an unusual name so I thought I would Google it first along with the name of my city. Found the guy straight away - he has a profile on a mail order bride type of website, looking for a much younger woman from a developing country. Ick. Swiped left on that one!

Am now chatting to Mr Coach, who has already suggested meeting for a coffee this weekend. Even though he seems very nice, I feel a bit “meh” about it, and would much rather Mr Charismatic took me out for dinner somewhere 😄 I had my mum visiting last weekend so haven’t seen him in nearly 2 weeks.

You absolutely should. Must say I'm having loads of fun with it. Once I turned 50 I started dressing (and occasionally behaving!) like a teenager! It's good for the soul 💃

That's interesting re the younger men @boxofcats I've been surprised by younger men too, but for some reason I find it hard to entertain. Even tho I think it's great for other women. I do judge men for going younger, but never women!!
On that note... I like how we seem to be left alone from male interference on this thread - I can't imagine that's always been the case 🤔
Good luck with Mr Charismatic

It hasn't always been the case and honestly I think we have welcomed men so long as they don't spout misogynistic codswallop.

Hmmm what to do about Mr Golf, we had a good chat back and forth Monday and he asked for a date this Saturday and said shall he pick something / somewhere. Messaged briefly yesterday and we have messaged a bit today, but no more mention of Saturday. I don’t want to raise it as I feel the ball is firmly in his court on that one?

Yes, and there is a fella who posts occasionally and seems pretty decent - and it can be interesting to get the male perspective. The one I am thinking of seems to behave respectfully and accept that this is a space predominantly for women, though respectful decent men are welcome....

There was one who had some dodgy Incel vibes going on a little while back - he upset some of our lovely regular posters, and I think a few of us reported him in the end. Luckily he seems to have backed off.....

I think this is a good idea.

I don't have regular sessions any more, but my therapist (he is actually more of a life coach really, though he is also trained in some therapy and counselling techniques) is happy to provide one off sessions if there is something I want to look at.... I really should book a session over the weekend. I wonder if a part of me is avoiding it because I kind of know what he is going to say?

But I'll do it now. I know I'll feel better and clearer in my mind once I have talked it through with him.

The support and advice on here is also invaluable - I honestly think I would find OLD and single life generally 100 times more depressing without the support of you amazing women!

If it were me I would probably mention it, just because I get frustrated and prefer to have things nailed down - but your approach does make a lot of sense - it's a good way of testing how keen he actually is.

Ideally, I think an iron should demonstrate eagerness to meet up, and some sense that it's a privilege to have the opportunity of a date with us? When they act like it's a chore, and we almost start to feel we are nagging them to arrange it, that's very off-putting. And to be honest, if they are like that at the start, what the Hell would they be like further down the line.....

However, I am very good at drawing up these boundaries in my head, and less good at sticking to them!

How have your comms been with Charismatic in the interim - does he message much? And do you guys have a meet up planned?

Have you given any more thought to having a possible exclusivity chat with him? I think you mentioned it as something that you might consider doing, though also (from what I recall) you were understandably nervous about how it might go.....

I understand about the jealousy thing - until recently I have never considered myself the kind of person who could cope with anything non-exclusive, because of my rampant jealousy.

I do however have an FWB who I see every few weeks, and bizarrely it seems to work. (I did have two for a while, but recently binned one off as his behaviour became slightly dodgy - he was hospitalised and I didn't hear from him for days, and started to vaguely suspect he is actually seeing someone who doesn't know of my existence - and no way would I countenance that on any level!).

But the other one - he is actually an ex I was with for quite a while (me and my exes!). Though the relationship was in many ways shit, the sex was always absolutely stellar - definitely the best sex I have ever had - and I have had a lot of sex, one way or another!

We generally message semi-regularly anyway (just friendship stuff - how is your day, updates about mutual friends etc) and when I start to miss sex I invite him to come and stay, usually for a couple of nights. And we just hang out, and I cook for him and do his washing and he does any minor DIY I need, and most importantly we have sex, and cuddles and all that..... We both know we aren't exclusive though we don't talk about that in any detail......

I will obviously call a halt as soon as I meet anyone I am remotely keen on pursuing things with. And he would too - I do trust him to be honest about that - though I also believe he is only dating on an explicitly casual basis at the moment so it's more likely to be me getting into a relationship that him, if you see what I mean (though I know you can never say never, and I am totally cool with the possibility of him falling in love with someone and ending things with me - I would be genuinely happy for him if that happened, I think!)

I never expected to feel like this about him - it's strange how things change over time..... I do love him but I am definitely not in love with him, if you see what I mean.

But how we ended up in this place, I couldn't rightly explain...... And I can completely understand that this sort of arrangement would not be for everyone!

I might be unsubtle "if only I knew a handsome golfer who wanted to show me a good time on Saturday" or wtte

Then if no response, slide him gently binwards.

It's a good idea, because worst case scenario is ex pulls the same stunt over again and you're back here in five years.

I want to think of you joyfully cosy and loved up by then.

100% agree with this.

This is their A game.

@ilovelurchers that sounds like a happy set up with your FWB. Did it start as a drunken shag or something?
@AlwaysCarrieSATC you've been given some good advice above. I'm glad to get a steer on such matters.
Last week I had agreed to meet Mr Italian for a walk on Monday gone. But then we had an impromptu date on Saturday night. I'd a feeling he forgot about Monday but I'd been out a good few times and didn't feel like going to I let it pass. But what's wrong with me I also couldn't let it go so I waited til later and asked how his evening went and when he replied he'd gone to gym, I sent a screenshot of our arrangement saying 'it was meant to go like this ⬆️'. He was falling over himself apologising and asking forgiveness and how can he make it up to me. Believe it or not I don't like game playing but the Irish mammy in me just couldn't give up the chance of a bit of divilment and guilt making.

I expect he deserved it😁

I don’t blame you.. it’s infuriating isn’t it!

I have decided to make no mention and see if he steps up, if not I’ll move on. I can’t be doing with bringing all the energy!

I absolutely love the phrase "slide gently binwards".

And it's so apt, for so many of these irons. In fact, I think "iron" is an overly positive term for many of them. What's a cheaper metal? Tin? Pig lead?

In fact, I just googled pig lead and learned that it is "crude, unrefined lead that has been smelted and poured into large, oblong blocks called "pigs" for easy transport and storage"

Sounds like the perfect metaphor for a fair few of the "irons" I have experienced myself, or heard about on here.....

Basically we had quite an acrimonious split, but after a while resumed texting, and after many months I invited him over as neither of us felt we had had real closure abput our relationship.... But as soon as he came through the door we sort of lept on each other (the chemistry had always been intense. We had both been dabbling in dating and had been open with each other about that over text, so we basically just agreed that we weren't looking to get back together, but that we could have fun as friends.

Then I had a real wobble when dad passed - he was super-suppprtive and I briefly felt I wanted to get back with him - but he made it clear that wasn't where he was at, and on reflection that was entirely the right decision - I wasn't thinking clearly.

We don't work as a couple - I think we only lasted as long as we did because the sex was so good! But we do work as friends and the sex remains excellent.

My dream would be to meet someone I had the level of chemistry with I have with FWB; the spark and humour I have with DD"s dad; but someone who is actually a decent, loyal, kind bloke who wants to be intimate with me and me alone.

It seems like asking for the impossible.

This is really strong boundary setting on your part - well done you! You are definitely doing future-you a big favour by holding the line here, I think. X