The Dating Thread 62 - They'll be FALLing for you 💖💕💘

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@CleanShirtI am not sure if his son is 17 whether it is too soon! I have a 17 year old and if I liked someone I would tell her and would be happy for her to meet him.

@Ilovelurchersthank you - your words really mean a lot. I am in shock that men actually like me after my ex out me down for so long!

Sorry you are poorly - make sure you do lots of self care!

Re. Mr CS's son, I personally don't think there are hard and fast rules as to when is too soon. I know MN as a whole tends to be quite judgy about this and suggest your kids shouldn't meet for the first decade, but I think this is often just impractical. As long as the kids are old enough to understand that relationships break up etc, and you aren't telling them to call you "mom", I think it's fine to do a quick introduction, like you might with a new friend? Just in passing, perhaps?

Personally I wouldn't want a big Introductory meal or anything, but that's because I'd feel under pressure to perform .....

Has Mr CS said why he would like to introduce you both? Is it for practical or emotional reasons?

And is his son:
A) used to him dating?
B) cool with it?

@sunnyfeetI will! Possible meet to suss him out first date next week! If I don't like the current people :)

@Thiswillbefun this is what I'm wondering - I have friends who are in fairly new relationships where there's little kids involved, but I wonder if 17 is different? He's only 5 months off 18.

@Ilovelurchers this is a conversation I will have to have if he really wants it to happen. I think it would be something informal (pub lunch or the like) and he's almost a grown man with his own mum. Will weigh it out!

@CleanShirtI have four children with 2 from each husband :) The eldest were only 4 and 2 when I was single before so they only met 1 person - my second husband. This time would be totally different they will meet someone Imam exclusive with after a few dates if the occasion arose.

How long have you been seeing eachother?

Hello from a lurker and once poster on this thread, I could really use anybody’s thoughts here.

After 16 years single I started OLD last February and actually enjoyed all the shenanigans on there and did nothing I regretted. It’s fair to say I spent a lot of time on it determined not to give up and it’s so draining when you don’t feel you are getting anywhere.Eventually a year of that and I met a guy in February on Tinder whose 54 (I’m 60) French chef.
Unfortunately 3 weeks into meeting him his mother was diagnosed with a brain tumour and is now paralysed down one side so extremely serious stuff. This has been ongoing since the beginning of March where he has been sharing care with his sister.
The pattern is he comes from France on Tuesday goes to work and then spends the night with me then back to work until Thursday night late when he travels back to France. This has been the set up bar two daytimes and so to be clear we never get more than one night together and haven’t in almost 7 months.
I finally talked to him about it and he said clearly that he owes his parents everything, he’s been away a long time (living in London 15 years) and now he wants to spend whatever time with them he can. I have steered away from asking to the point “ But how much longer do I just get a compressed Tuesday night?”
I have the impression a lot longer and it’s getting to the point where I feel I’m essentially going towards another Bank Holiday by myself feeling lonely trying to make plans when I’ve done Easter plus the May ones already and I’m supposedly in a relationship.
The reason I have got on with it is it’s obviously not his fault and it’s wonderful to see what he gives his family. Also he is really lovely and our chemistry is off the scale, let’s just say Tuesday nights are a lot of pleasure. Im getting to know him slowly and every new thing big or small is delightful. The thought of him not being in my life hurts so much but I don’t know how much longer I want to deal with the absence the whole time. Now I understand this life pattern is not just through the medical crisis but also wanting to go to France to spend time with his parents.
Its so hard because what kind of person is going to wish their partner wasn’t the best they could be 😞 Honestly, I’ve been trying to get to thinking oh I have this amazing night once a week and work and friends things to do it’s fine. But then Bank Holidays always seem to be a reminder of how it feels like everyone has plans when you don’t. I’ve now got plans btw but I hope you know what I mean. I know it would help if I had fuller life myself which I am working on, until the last year I was mostly busy life has changed though.

A guy I met last year who’s now a friend said You know what’s out there why are you even thinking of ending it. I must say I hate that thinking though cos I was out there for a while !! I guess what I’m asking is would you stick this out for may be another 6 months because he’s your hearts desire or think fuck I’m 60 I haven’t got time for all this yearning 😂

By the way I know this is all genuine before anyone pops up to tell me he’s married, or any other harmful scenario

Anyway sorry for the length of that I never read long posts so I’m a total hypocrite 🫣

I completely get this. I was exactly the same when Mr Smile & I split before, making sure I looked good if going anywhere I had the potential of seeing him - show him what he was missing.

What I will say though, is if you're thinking of 💉 - do it for yourself, not anybody else & especially not Crash. Make yourself feel good, in whatever way that may be xx

I think when kids are that bit older its a bit different. I met Mr Smile's kids quite early on & they're aged 17 & 22. It wasnt in any formal way, they just happened to be there when I popped over. I've never done anything with them socially etc but the youngest lives with him so I do see them often (when they come out of their room lol).

On the other hand my 3 DD are aged between 13-18 & haven't met Mr Smile & I have no intention of introducing them until I know its definitely going to be a long term thing. They've been through a lot with me & their dad splitting so I'd rather just keep them separate. I also don't currently have my own home so I always go to his so there's never a time they'd bump into each other either.

I think just do whatever you're comfortable with. Are you Mr Cleanshirt's first relationship post split from his son's mum?

I would stick with him tbh.
Like you I used to be on this thread until 18 months ago when I met my partner. We both children who are teens and up, but they still very much need us and they come first. This means that a lot of weeks we only spend 1-1.5 days together. This won’t change for at least a couple of years.
We do manage to see each other for 3 days straight sometimes, but that’s rare.

It’s obviously your choice but we have decided that this will work for us, and it’s not forever.

I think be led by Mr Cleanshirt and his son.

You'll be fine 😁

Sorry I should have said this situation isn’t forever, we have discussed marriage and living together so we expect to grow old together.

That's a difficult one for sure! Could you go to France with him in the future?

It almost wouldn't be so bad if it wasnt always weekends although I understand he has to work during the week?

Welcome and...are you tied here or could you travel with him sometimes? I realise you would have to entertain yourself a lot of the time.

OK, I guess a couple of questions spring to mind:

A) what is your ultimate goal ideally? Would you, for example, like to cohabit? Just trying to establish how much time you would (in an ideal world) like to spend with a partner, so we can see how far this relationship falls short from it.

B) do you know what his long term plans are? Is there, for example, the possibility that he will eventually move back to France fully, anyway? I don't know anything about the industry he is in - could he easily find equivalent work there? I was just thinking that it must be exhausting for him, travelling back and forth in the way
he does.....

C) has he ever suggested you accompany him to France and meet his parents? Would you want to?

Sorry, I know those are questions not answers......

I’m essentially going towards another Bank Holiday by myself feeling lonely trying to make plans when I’ve done Easter plus the May ones already and I’m supposedly in a relationship.

@comingintomyown Bank Holidays, plus that weird week between Christmas and New Year, and really hard to navigate on your own

@Ilovelurchers such kudos to you, you always answer so supportively and thoughtfully 💐

@CleanShirt I forgot to say get well soon 💐

My youngest is 15 and I'd have introduced planes at 3 months if he hadn't crashed. I think he may have been trying to force the issue our last night together though and I was expecting him to go home and he just. Didn't.

A bit jealous of everyone getting dates with fully operational men.

Twice!! 🥳🎊🎉🪅🥂🍾

@CleanShirt - my DC were 17 and 19 and met ‘DP’ after 4 months. It was possibly slightly earlier than I’d have envisaged but DC1 was off to Uni and I didn’t want her to feel left out if DC2 met him in the following 3 months that she’d be away.

@Nosdacariad I hope your luck picks up soon as you seem so lovely 🤞

@MsJinks do you think Mr 🌳 has been talking about you more which has prompted the DC to organise stuff with their ‘old’ family unit? Apologies if I’ve got this wrong but you sound a little unsure of where you stand with 🌳 and that the current dating arrangements wouldn’t quite be enough in the longer term? Have you spoken to him about this? I’m wondering if you’re not quite settled in how your relationship is progressing that this is contributing to the overthinking on the family arrangements. Do tell me to STFU if I’ve got this all wrong!

@comingintomyown I get the Tuesday night thing as that is our only ‘guaranteed’ night and only see each other 2-3 nights a fortnight (although do get some weekends as part of this). This is my foreseeable for 2-3 years given the age of his youngest and I’m ok with that (for now anyway!). Given all his good qualities I would try and make it work and as others have said, maybe spend some time in France if you can - obviously not together all the time but hopefully you’d be able to work around parenting visits to an extent.

I slept with my partner first night. Chemistry was too good. Still is.

I slept with Mr Situationship and Mr Spanner night 1. Mr Sit. Was first post marriage and cleared the cobwebs and showed me that I could. He really should have been a one night stand, would have been so much better.
im keen for Mr Spanner to meet my kids. (22/26) but they live miles away. 2 main reasons. When my kids have partners I have the view that it’s only a big deal if you make it one. Also my kids are up for Christmas and if he’s still on the cards I wouldn’t want that to be the first time they met him.
I have met his 8 year old in passing in a group sit. Probably too early I know.
Things are going well but I am getting red flagged by his inconsistency as a dad. This is the only thing that is really bothering me.
@OctopusStingI’d wait but I’d make sure I had other irons in the fire. Not other men but connections and things to do so that you’re not just sat in a waiting room.

Thank you for your replies, I hadn’t made the comparison in my head with dating being restricted because of childcare arrangements but I guess when you get to 60 elderly parents can be an equivalent !

Perhaps further down the line I could join him but it wouldn’t be appropriate to ask yet, my mother lives in France so maybe tie something in. I have asked a couple of times about moving back to France as it seems the obvious thing to do and as a chef he could get work but he’s adamant there’s nothing in France for him and he would be unhappy.

@Ilovelurchers I thought seeing someone once a week or so in a committed relationship was the ideal but I had forgotten what falling in love feels like !

I was prompted to post yesterday by something someone said a few pages back about communication between seeing each other. When I started talking to people online last year it was the first time for me doing this with the existence of mobile phones. I am going to be honest and say I absolutely loved all the nonsense and bat shittery but also at times with different irons I had very exciting or interesting conversations. Mr Chef is not a great texter, the messages can be quite thin, infrequent and functional. I asked him if I was French would it be different he says no but I think it would. I would love a a bit more banter, flirting or chit chat about the day. On the other hand he is never on his phone when he’s with me, checks it maybe a couple times the whole evening so you can’t have everything.

Another thing someone posted on here which resonated so much was guys who just talk at you and you come away from them knowing a great deal about their lives meanwhile you have been asked nothing about your own, sometimes literally nothing.

Anyway I decided after my post yesterday that I’m going to stick by Mr Chef for the time being and maybe come here for some hand holding/ being told to get a grip so I am glad I didn’t log on to any advice to end it !

@duckingclueless well done for being alert to how he parents 🌟

@comingintomyown I guess as a chef it is impossible to be on his phone at work.

I think the key is, are they consistent in their phone use?

One of my small frustrations with Planes was very quick to reply at first, speed of reply tailed off despite him having no job, texting others when with me...

De-lurking again, I’ve been following the thread but just too busy to spend much time posting

@comingintomyown That sounds hard. Have you told him you’d love to hear more from him in between seeing each other?

@NosdacariadI’m sure you don’t need to put more effort into looking fabulous, but if you do - don’t do it for him, do it for you! I sy this as someone who hit the gym pretty hard after my last LTR ended. 18 months on, I barelt ever think about the ex any more, but now I’m the fittest I’ve ever been and not looking back! And I love that I do it for me now.

I am still off the apps, but have signed up to a Thursday.com in person dating event in 2 weeks time. It’s at a bar in the city. The age range is 21+ but most of their events seem to be geared to people in their 20s nd 30s, so at 44 I expect I’ll be one of the oldest there.

Situationship with Mr Charismatic is still ongoing, he came to my rescue at the weekend to sort a broken door handle for me. Seven months in and the chemistry is still pretty hot though. Argh.