The Dating Thread 62 - They'll be FALLing for you 💖💕💘

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Yeah and they set them up so you can only delete your account from a 'puter.

Hi, just seen this and yeah, I can see how it relates to my situation. And it IS a really tricky, delicate one with no hard and fast rules.

My perspective currently is that I am single, so no obligations to consider a partner on my side, and as his partner is the woman he cheated with that caused our break up, then rightly or wrongly I don't give her feelings a lot of consideration (just being totally honest there, and I realise it may make me sound like a dick).

If he had a different partner, or if I had one (which has been th case previously) we have done less stuff just the three of us, out of respect for those partners - we were still amicable and had the occasional joint event but with far less frequency.

However, one of my exes had four young adults kids with his ex, and they did stuff as a family all the time. I actually met her and liked her, and was quite close to the kids as well (for context I am still fairly close to the youngest). So it didn't really bother me - I didn't realistically think he wanted to get back with her.....

Sorry, I am rambling a bit. I guess I am trying to say that every situation will be different and there is no right and wrong, but I do think you have a right to say IF you decide at any point it makes you uncomfortable. His kids are grown ups I think, or close? So, sorry to sound brutal, but it's not like they absolutely NEED mom and dad to, I dunno, come to their school play or something. (I get it might be nice to have their parents socialising together).

Another option could be for you to meet his ex and attend some of the events yourself, but I get that you don't want that.....

Have you spoken to Mr Tree about it at all, or could you? X

youngest).

@Ilovelurchers alter your behaviour out of respect for your partner?! Can you give Planes lessons?

It doesn't make you sound like a dick, they are the dicks!

@MsJinks it may be if you can't beat 'em, join 'em?

Thank you @Ilovelurchersfor the reply - especially all the different scenarios.

For the record I totally agree with your current perspective as she was the dick and really what can she expect- a bit different with Mr Player but at one point he got a regular g/f without really explaining himself to either of us fully - them I knew but kept seeing him and ultimately one very drunk night told her - I sorta felt I had some rights being installed first but he definitely thought I was being the dick!

Their youngest kid is 35 - perhaps I shouldn’t call them kids really lol - so no school plays! But there are the grandkids now who do have school plays.

I was fine with however they were just the kids are ramping up days out and non events to all socialise together - she’s on his mind more I guess as I get the great reminisces 👀 - but more proximity than regrets today I think. Just wary. No thing is I’m not a partner in any sense and we don’t do the involvement with each others lives so much at minute - if ever.

I think I need to establish where I am first - which maybe in a couple of months I was gonna review that as whilst it’s all good it wouldn’t be quite enough for a long term thing.

I’m just wary I guess - but the range of everyone’s responses and all your very great ways of handling kid and ex dynamics is awesome and gives me some perspective so I’ll just sorta see what unfolds a while I suppose - and overthink it every day haha - bloody dating - it’s only thing I get anxiety/overthinking on - and I don’t like it lol

Thanks again and hope all goes well x

I’m still no further forward with confirming plans for a date. I don’t even want to give this MOFO a name until we get something sorted!

Apart from that it’s crickets over here for me.

Crickets here too @empirebiscuits12

I'm feeling like giving up 😭 it shouldn't be this hard.

I can’t join ‘em - it’s not how we are at mo - not sure ‘kids’ would care for it but honestly I definitely wouldn’t lol! If, big if, I ever meet any I would like one by one by chance first - imagine how exclusive a mum/dad/kids for 27 years could be - all that history you don’t even wanna know!

I sorta expected a guy with adult kids would have a smaller part in their lives but it’s quite a lot - idk I avoid guys with young kids (not so hard at 60) and forgot about grandkids lol. I do see my kids, grandkids btw just not so regularly or intensely I think - and no rational or reasonable ex to include anyhow!

I hear you and it sounds challenging.

I feel the same about family involvement but my three live at home still so it's hard for me to object.

I guess it says good things about his character that he's involved in their lives.

Ah it really shouldn’t be so hard - but don’t give up! We will all find our Prince, or pur peace.

You could take a break from the site? I often find you get a flurry of matches and interest after a break - not saying they’re any good ha but there could be one or 2?

Don’t take a break from this thread though - either of you please x

@Nosdacariad@empirebiscuits12I changed my photos and that made a difference. Put one with a famous landspot on with me in front and that seems to attract their attention 🤣

It’s not attracting them that’s the hard bit, it’s attracting a decent one 😂 Last check I did there was over 700 in my “likes you” list on Tinder in my selected age and distance range. Need to do a clear out tbh.

But out of them I can guarantee there’s only a handful who:

• Don’t have photos which include shirtless and in bed, tongue still in their mouth, no drink in every picture etc.
• Have an interesting bio which doesn’t read like a list of what they don’t want.
• Are looking for the same as me.

And then out of the ones left there will be some that don’t respond. Or when they do there will no doubt be the sex pests or it will be revealed they have no job or still living with mum.

It’s a minefield 😂

Well my train was stuck so we have postponed our date. We have said tomorrow but let's see :)

Exactly what @empirebiscuits12 said.

I'm addicted to the thread @MsJinks

@Thiswillbefun shame and fingers crossed!

I'm still thinking about Crashing and how to look fabulous next time I see him. I'm considering the 💉💉💉

I made a rule that I'll only go to his village if invited or at the behest of someone else and after three in one weekend there has been no other reason to go.

I know this is madness 😱

@Nosdacariadone day you will wake up and planes will be gone from your head :) we are here until he is!!

Let see if Mr London comes to me tomorrow as promised. I don't have a good feeling...

FWB is fine if that's what both people want and are looking for, but it annoys me when someone (usually a man in my experience but I am sure not always) tries to "downgrade" the relationship to this status. And maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I read this message.

I would struggle with FWB. I suspect some people would accept a FWB ‘downgrade’ because it’s not an actual break-up.

But I think the majority of women, and probably a small amount of men, develop feelings if they have sex. I can’t imagine parting the morning after,knowing there was every chance he’d be with someone else that night. I’d love to know how many FWB situations genuinely work for both parties.

I think I must be weird then! 🤣

I do understand what you are saying - that way if carrying on is not for everyone, and you have to be careful it doesn't make things confusing for the kids (much easier when they are older I think, and you can directly discuss the dynamic with them, see what their feelings are about it).

And to my mind, the feelings of any need partners definitely need to be taken into account. (Though as I've explained, I make an exception for my ex-husband's current partner, as she actively pursued him when he was married to me - I do realise that the responsibility for not having the affair lay with him, not her, and I wouldn't go out of my way to hurt her for no reason, but equally I think she was very clear he had a wife and daughter at that time, and so has to sort of suck it up now if he and I choose to spend time together with DD).

I think ages gaps are fine within reason - 11 years wouldn't really worry me. When you are getting closer to 20 years I think potential problems emerge, though again I wouldn't rule it out if the person was right.

My mom and dad had something like a 13 year gap I think, and while it wasn't always a bed of roses, they stayed together for something like 50 years - it worked!

@sunnyfeetThere is a hot younger man looking for 'fun' I am tempted!

Go you! That sounds like a really good outcome in many ways (providing the sex was enjoyable?). It won't feel like such a big hurdle for you going forwards.

I honestly think, like with so much else, there are no rules about when you should and shouldn't have sex in dating - different strokes for different folks! 🤣 When I was younger I used to shag on the first date if the guy was up for it, and never regretted that - if it made him respect me less, then at least I found out early doors what a hypocritical twat he was!

These days I prefer to wait, but to be honest I think that's because I haven't met anyone where the chemistry has been strong enough to make me really want it. To be honest I would LOVE to meet a guy whose bones I couldn't wait to jump...... But I am 14 dates in and no sex so far.......

Hope everyone is well! I'm feeling sorry for myself with lurgy today. Being ill is the only time I really don't like living alone!

Had a lovely weekend with Mr CleanShirt who met some of my friends and we all had a ball. Saw him briefly last night but he's missed the start of whatever bug this is.

He's keen for me to meet his son, who is 17. I've never been out with someone with kids before and I am childfree by choice. It's too soon isn't it? I'm not sure how to navigate this.

Welcome! This is the best thread on the whole of Mumsnet, if not the internet! (In my opinion).

And missing you at a funeral after one hour..... Oh my God! Whose funeral was it? (Please say it wasn't his mom or something.......)

You are getting so many dates - it's brilliant! I hope this is showing you what a lovely and desirable woman you truly are. (And what an idiot your ex was to let you go....)

I have been giving this a bit more thought since my last reply. And it has occured to me - if you come across as wise, sane and generally sorted in real life as you do on here (and I bet you do, whatever you think!) I wonder if Mr Tree has you on a bit of a pedestal and just kind of thinks you would be above any sort of jealousy - assumes you must know how great you are...... And so he isn't being as careful of your feelings re. the exW as he should be - but that may just be because it doesn't dawn on him that it would worry you? Does that make sense?

It's difficult, because I totally understand your reluctance to bring it up - and anything that involves someone's kids is always a sensitive one, even when they are adults.

It was my bastard ex Mr Tortoise who did all the family days with his wife and kids - we even all went to France for Xmas once! Weirdly, I wasn't bothered by her presence - I think because I got on with her so well. But I do remember one of his kids (the one who liked me the least - I was close to two of them and less so the other two) used to organise stuff and intentionally exclude me, and when I got upset about this once Tortoise bascially told me I was a needy mess and did one of his regular break ups with me. (He broke up with me on around a monthly basis I would say - twat!)

So yes, I think some kids, even adult ones, will weaponise this kind of thing if they have a reason to dislike a new partner - but Tree's have never met you, he's had other partners, it's hard to see why they would. (Though also not impossible).

I suppose one possibility (and please remember that I know nothing) is that his ex has decided she is still attracted to him and is encouraging the kids somehow? I know I am generalising, but most humans are fundamentally loyal to their mums...... If so, I do think she is put of order. I realise I might be in a hypocritical position saying this (as I have admitted attraction to my ex, and while he is driving most of our meet ups, I am certainly happily making myself available for them). BUT I wouldn't do that if he was seeing an "innocent" woman - anyone, basically, apart from the woman who was instrumental in put split. Girl code iIS mportant!

Sorry, it may not be helpful for me to say this stuff, if you are over thinking anyway. If he still seems as keen on you as he ever has, I would probably try not to worry too much. But if you detect any change, I would say it's completely fair to raise your concerns with him....

But I honestly think my first paragraph is the key - you seem so amazingly wise and cool and strong that he probably thinks you don't even do jealousy! (But we pretty much ALL do jealousy. And rightly so, frankly!)

@Ilovelurchersit was enjoyable and twice 🤣 It is such a relief that the first time is done :)
I agree and think nowa days I will normally wait longer. I had a spark with the guy but knew it would never progress to anything. Not so sure it would feel so fine if I wanted more from him. It's a shame you haven't met anyone yet but maybe the next one will be the one!

Keep us posted!