The Dating Thread 62 - They'll be FALLing for you 💖💕💘

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@MsJinks my ex and I get on v well (and in fact are still married so I am a proper 🚩 😖). We still do stuff as a ‘family’ - birthday, Xmas, recent exam result meal etc. My youngest has just turned 18 and I didn’t mean to meet someone before she’d left for Uni but life doesn’t always pan out as planned… so for me it’s probably a bit of guilt in trying to keep (some) things as they always have been. I’m not sure how this will change now they are both ‘adults’ but I suspect we will still have occasions when it is just us 4 as I continue to try and assuage my guilt in breaking up the family.

This hasn’t been an issue for the guy I am dating and I try to genuinely check how he feels about it. Your post gives me more pause for thought on it though…

It sounds like for you maybe the MrT’s kids are trying to ‘manufacture’ stuff to create these scenarios which doesn’t feel right somehow? If my family are over or friends then it’s me and new partner, not the ex. I hope you can both work a way through it which doesn’t leave you feeling a bit discombobulated 💐

Oh, and my ex was 13 years older than me - we had some brilliant times but I do think it contributed to our growing apart and separation

19! So my daughter is married to a guy 19 years older and it works really well for them, but she met him age 29. I think maybe you are older than 29?

I’ve seen some who looked like they’d been hanging out a while in God’s waiting room - and still said fit and young for age - maybe they were but I didn’t check tbh.

What are you thinking?

@MsJinks he seems to have a life and asks questions.

Don't trip over my bar down there 😅

Eta early 50s...just.

@OctopusSting- thank you for your perspective- at least you weren’t too much of a flag for new guy - not that you really are at all.

They split around a decade ago, both had subsequent partners for a while a bit after. The actual kids were already adults but there’s obviously grandkids and all live quite close together - I never even troubled myself about whatever average events or grandkid stuff was going on. Just recently there seem to be events outside an actual event - just because stuff.

He said when we met he got on great with ex wife (took a couple of years) and more recent partner (took a while again) but never thought of them like that since. I take that at face value as it always comes out in wash - and I am actually sure that’s still how he views it - plus it’s a bit of a green flag I think. but these non event events are getting regular plus more share of grandkids, plus now with his family stuff there’s involvement- just being around her is causing the reminisces I listen to I guess - I’m wary of the overlap in lives I guess - it’s comfortable I imagine and where he will naturally get support for current thing.

I sound super selfish I know - but I’m just not sure how to think about it. Right now I couldn’t say anything anyway tbh so I guess I’m trying to get a fuller picture of stuff all round to know whether to protect my heart or just go with it and trust it’ll all be fine.

Thanks again - it’s lovely how you handle things with your ex husband and current partner- I think they must all appreciate it - especially your daughter.

I have a friend who’s a very active 70+ year old with a life and definitely doesn’t look his age - he’d probably be quite dateable - except he’s married lol.

See how it goes - at least a nice chat whilst wading through the gutter that is OLD - they’re rare enough!

I think there’s a line between functional coparents and blurred messy boundaries. I have dated someone who still got together as a family unit for various events and exchanged gifts etc and it just wasn’t for me because likewise all I kept hearing about was the ex and what she was up to etc etc.

I do coparent and my ex and I do this well and are friendly around the kids but we are not friends and no I wouldn’t be doing “family” events together, exchanging gifts etc. I personally think it’s weird still trying to perform as a family when you aren’t one.

So I think your uncomfortable feeling is justified and what they’re doing is all a bit unnecessary.

@AlwaysCarrieSATC- thank you - it’s just lately this has started ramping up - it seemed more like your scenario at first though getting on was involved, but I was ok with that too - it’s this last couple of weeks where its changing and I am feeling a bit uncomfortable tbh.

It’s awkward right now to be sure, as there is family stuff with folk related to or known long term by them both and rest. Kids seem keen on planning non event events with Ma and Pa though - I don’t get that tbh but like I say I’ve never had an ex would be welcome lol nor such a long term one so I could be judging sumat completely normal - he just thinks it’s all great these days out!

Personally I’m of your view, but never practiced it obviously- my daughter holds birthdays for my much younger than his kids’ grandson and whilst she and dad aren’t together often both sides and all my grandson’s relatives are included - and that is lovely and everyone gets on - similarly they always have 2 hours just them and him Xmas morning - nothing else though - no non event events for sure!

Thanks again - I think your way is perfect tbh!

With my most recent ex, I slept with him on the first night too! Chemistry was absolutely unbelievable it would have been a tragedy to waste all that sexual tension 😁

The older I’ve got the less I give a shit about waiting if it feels right. I used to make previous partners wait weeks, months. But if the sex is safe and the mood feels right then why not? 😍

Ok you found me out!! So date 1 on Friday with Mr. Dog led to date 2 on Saturday and a sleepover 😉 It was my first time with someone new for 21 years! The date continued to Sunday then he looked at a dating app while I was next to him. There was 100% no chance of a LTR as he lived at home etc. I think it is a good thing that 'barrier' has been crossed. It also felt good as my ex cheated so he is no longer my last first sexual encounter too! Win, win.

Does he have a job? A proper one? Not setting up a business or the like?

If he has kids, ask him if he has a good coparenting relationship. I weeded one out when he started calling his ex a narcissist after I asked this question. I played totally dumb and asked if that was properly diagnosed because it’s quite uncommon. He didn’t pick up any sarcasm at all and went on at great length about her and I blocked him. Massive red flag!!! 🚩

Thankyou @MsJinks for your kind words 🙏. I do think the DC appreciate it and having had me to themselves for 6 years (plus us doing things as a ‘family’) during this time as neither of us was dating has led us to where we are.

I am taking on board @AlwaysCarrieSATC points as well and will reflect on that going forward now both DC will be at Uni. I think it is a fine line of a green flag of getting on well/co-parenting and it being too much which impacts new partners. All good food for thought.

@Nosdacariad it’s probably wrong but you did make me lol with your low bar comment! 😂

@empirebiscuits12He is a lawyer and no children..I'm a bit nervous for this one!

Ohh so I think that’s a win!

I had a situationship for a decade somehow though faded lots last couple of years but he’d still occasionally text for the obvious and occasionally I’d go round for the beer!

Anyway, I was also very relieved to meet Mr T and not have situationship as last encounter tbh - if it had been for one night only it got me past that annoyance! Obviously it’s continued on but that was a really good thing on its own - so totally get it and onwards and upwards now is the only way you are going!

@MsJinksThank you :) I actually cried the next day - when I was alone and I think it was the relief. It is also pleasing that someone wanted me as my ex made me feel so unwanted by cheating :) As you say onwards.

I think you are right about you too and sometimes these things are more symbolic then maybe others would realise.

Ohh bless you - cheating is never about you - but I know, from experience, it just feels like it has to be and it’s so depressing 💐

At risk of sounding super crude but not meaning to - you broke that duck and that’s massive - good for you.

@Thiswillbefun My dear late husband had been a lawyer. At least it's a proper job 😁

@OctopusSting laugh away, there have to be some perks 😘

I love the opening post! Looking forward to catching up on the whole thread before participating further. I'm 50 and been single since marriage ended 8 years ago. I'm on bumble for a few months and have recently gone on a good few dates. None of my friends are on the apps so no one to bounce things off. I'm very perplexed by it all. I have a small but growing collection of men that act like they're in love with me after one short date. One guy that I'd spent an hour with texted that he missed me when I was at a funeral 😭 I keep my cards close to my chest so really can't fathom what's going on. I currently have a new Man Friend who wants to be more but has very bad teeth and I couldn't imagine kissing him, and was invited on a second date this Thurs, with a very dreamy Italian guy who thankfully does not send me non stop check ins on the daily! Looking forward to chatting with and learning from you all about this minefield 😊

Update - so I have sacked off Mr. Thai curry, now meeting Mr. London this afternoon and have Mr Postman on Friday. Talking to one other of possible interest. All are younger than me 🤣

@Thiswillbefun @CountBoscoTheSecondsWife you are both doing very well.

I meant to add to the opening post to check they have a pic with their teeth on show 😅

@NosdacariadI am just going to check teeth!! I need to get back to work tomorrow after a long summer holiday :)

Has anyone got any experience of the fiftydating site, I've just signed up, but struggling to see how it works without having to pay.
Thankyou.

No but if it's like our time it is unusable unless you pay.

@NosdacariadTeeth checked all good :)

@Nosdacariad thankyou, I had a feeling it was going to be like that.

I wish these apps would be honest about how they work.