Partner kept a kink secret and now I feel misled

[Salmiacchew]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (less than a year). Things have been great and he’s been an amazing partner so I can’t complain (until now).

I found out now that he has a secret kink or affinity that he never even mentioned. It only came out when someone else alluded to it in my presence and I asked about it. He seemed embarrassed and said that he didn’t know how and when mention it yet. I let it go at the time but I’ve been thinking about it and getting quite angry.

The things that bother me is that he didn’t tell me about it and it hurts me, because it is clear that previous partners knew about it. It also makes me wonder if I even know him at all or what else he might be hiding, and I’m so mad at the thought that I might have wasted almost a year on someone who kept secrets.

And yes, I will be launching a Clare’s Law request just in case. I’m also considering contacting the person who flippantly made the remark/ joke in the first place to see if it aligns with what he told me. But I’m just mad right now. Things were going too well and I was wondering where the catch was.

If anyone gives you any doubts , it shouldn't take a call to the police about it. If you do contact the police regarding Claire's Law, they will not give you the information there and then. They will want all your details and his. It will be passed to the relevant department , who will then decide whether or not you need to be given any information about him. There will only be information about him if he has been convicted of domestic violence , sexual assault etc. If you are given any feedback , you cannot tell anyone or you, will then find yourself in trouble. This could take weeks. I think whatever it is, surely if it is something that you need more information on, why the hell are you still with him? From what you say, l do not know really what the issue is, perhaps kinky sex? which isn't illegal. If you don't like something doesn't mean because he does, it is wrong. Think about your actions, as if it is a trivial matter , you will be told you are wasting police time...

You don’t know what the issue is? He enjoys and gets off on other people’s pain and degradation. I think that’s enough information to know he’s a bad ‘un.

If all are consenting adults it isn't a crime.

Agree and why out drinking with her and the new partner?? Sounds like OP is going to be a lamb to the slaughter… Run

You need a proper conversation with your partner. He now needs to be 100% honest. The ex-wife mentioning his 'kink', that could be taken as she was giving you 'heads up' warning. May be she didn't know about this side of him from the start of their relationship. Or she could have assumed you already knew. You won't know what her motivation is, and unless you openly ask her, it's best not to dwell on it.

Yes, I would request a Clare's Law. BDSM may have it's place if it's respectful, honest, has trust and consensual. Unfortunately, there are men out there who use the disguise of BDSM to abuse women.... there's no respect or consent involved, it's just an excuse to hurt someone.

If it's something that you aren't interested in exploring, then it's far better to end the relationship. Some people need to include their kink within sex, to get any enjoyment out of sex. Others don't necessarily need it, to enjoy sex. Someone who needs their kink to enjoy sex, will seek someone else outside the relationship to fulfill that need. At this point, you don't know which category he falls into.

"She consented" is the same defence invoked by alleged rapists, those who killed their partners by strangulation and those who support industries such as prostitution, porn, organ trafficking, surrogacy. I mean...

Someone with genuine concerns about a partner's history is highly unlikely to be charged with wasting police time 🙄

What is the kink?

Why not say fully what it is.
Basicslly you are concerned so whats the chocie..run or join the kink club

This. I mean it takes all sorts etc but he lied by omission about it for a year. You're now very much involved with him so possibly more vulnerable to being coerced by him into something you're not comfortable with.
Nope. Run for the hills OP.

Sadism. It’s in the OP’s posts.

If he was married to his ex for years and they have remained friends it sounds as if it was entirely consensual - and whether you understand it or not such kinks do exist without either party being a violent psychopath in RL. And the degree of sadism / masochism is within the control of the 'sub' and no more than they control.

A Claire's Law request is disproportionate. Wildly so.

If you have been having sex with him for nearly a year and he hasn't broached this it seems not to be central to his sexual relationships but rather an added extra with a partner who is that way inclined.

I can see why it was embarrassing and upsetting for his ex to reveal this in public - you later mention that she was drunk. So just a drunken faux pas on her part.

Run a mile. He gets sexually excited when hurting women?
He has issues and hates women. This is about power and control. Run.

I wonder if the ex wife is a FWB situation now

The tone of the relationship with the ex is what would bother me the most. I bet he still sees her like that, or she him.

I'd dump the pervert if he like witnessing pain but won't take it himself.

If it were me OP I would take the ex wife’s disclosure as a warning and end the relationship. It sounds like he’s into more than just some minor bdsm spanking here.

Yep agree. It makes me wonder if he'd enjoy seeing you in pain or upset outside of the bedroom.

This

@Dandelionroots Oh my god I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. I really hope that you are ok and that you could move past this horrible man and how he treated you.

So basically he likes to watch women being tortured

And he likes to torture women

Hes a weirdo @Salmiacchew.

How low is your self esteem you are even asking others opinions?

Listen to your own. This man is a full on creep. Get away from him FFS

I will speak to him later because and I want to understand how this would impact us in the long run. I really want to be with him but I don’t want to build a relationship with someone who might be missing out and who will then get it somewhere else.

OP, you mentioned "violent porn" so I'm assuming this is something worse than a bit of light spanking or run of the mill BDSM. In fact you say it wasn't "just" violent porn and whatever it is is so extreme you want to run a check that he's not on a register.

I don't think you have your priorities in order here. The issue is far worse than you feeling misled or worrying about him cheating, and I don't understand how you can want to be with him when you're so worried about safety that you want to run an official domestic violence disclosure check. Or what you think a chat with him about it will accomplish. He will say what you want to hear, it might or might not be true, it isn't going to change anything.

I know it's really hard to take your heart back but whatever this is is so bad you want a domestic violence check on it. I don't mean to be glib, but achey breaky heart just can't cut it when it's that serious!