Trigger warning - domestic violence - don't say I told you so ...

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

My older DD is autistic which is relevant to social and trust issues.

she has now had three relationships. The first with a controlling violent subhuman - had to pick her up, 20wks pregnant, when he kicked her down the stairs.

Second - fantasist subhuman. Two DS born in the same year.

birth control does not work - each pregnancy has begun despite her using different methods.

third - a violent subhuman who has been in jail twice for beating up his girlfriends. He told her he'd changed - I know.

she put herself and her children in danger knowingly - she didn't want to hear what I was saying.

I told her I would have have to wait to pick up the pieces.

and here I am ...

less than six months after he wormed his grubby way in

i was expecting her to drop the DGC off on her way to work. They didn't arrive at the usual time and my first thought was that she and the DGC had been murdered - I know

i was ringing her phone - straight to voicemail

I was ringing DGD phone - straight to voicemail

I daren't go round to the house

i asked H to go round, he was spooked so started to get ready to go out and I got a reply from DD - not at work today mum. Forgot to tell you.

I messaged back but got no reply. I messaged DGD - no reply.

that night I got a message - mum I need you now the children are safe don't worry please come now

I felt sick and would have normally gone straight away but I was doing my therapy which takes 30 min and cannot be stopped once commenced. So H rang our son and they both went to her house.

the abuser had punched my daughter in the face so hard that her cheek was broken and her eye is damaged - she describes seeing wet cobwebs in her vision. This had happened five days previously to her telling me.

she had been telling him to leave for a month and he'd been telling her that she didn't mean it.

she rang his father to come and pick him up and he hit her, the children saw it. She ran out of her house with the children because he then punched her in the stomach.

when I eventually got to her house that night she said 'don't say I told you so mum'

why does she choose these monsters?

why do men hit women? - genuine question - especially to the men on here

she's told police, who called social services, a slightly sanitised version of events and doesn't want me to ring them and give them my version of events.

I feel she holds me to ransom because I know she can stop me from seeing the children - I have looked after them since their births - I take them to school/pick them up, we have weekly sleepovers, we take them on holiday.

who and how do I approach the subject of appropriate partners in order to help her? If I 'go behind her back' she will punish me. She's never had a 'nice' one. The first one she brought to our house (unexpectedly) was much older than her and had no front teeth top and bottom - and it just got got worse from there.

I feel that all I can do is carry on and watch her car crash life - it's an absolute waking nightmare

She’s not choosing monsters. Abusive men are very good at charming women who are autistic because autism makes it almost impossible to pick up on body language or facial cues. Abusive men will actually seek out and target vulnerable women like your daughter. They are very good at masking and manipulating. In addition, many autistic people place more importance on loyalty than love. (I am autistic myself)

They have done experiments where autistic people and a control group of nonautistic people are shown photographs of people’s faces and asked what emotion is the person showing? Far and away the autistic people would guess the wrong emotion that matched the facial expression. And not little things like disappointed versus sad, but not see difference between a smile and a grimace, or laughing versus yawning.

I actually feel really sorry for her, for her kids and for you. I personally would congratulate her on having the strength and courage to report the latest one to the police and get away from him. It’s not easy to do. I think one thing you might want to do is ensure she has a safe place to go to with her kids? Maybe she wouldn’t have been so injured if she had not been in the corner of asking him to leave.

I'm sorry that your DD has encountered so many miserable excuses for men in her life. You are right in your suggestion that for whatever reason, she seems to be drawn to abusive men and is then covering her eyes and refusing to see the red flags when they are being waved in her face.

I would see if you can use this episode as a catalyst for real change. It sounds like you do a lot for her and her DC and whilst I understand why you do, it's also slightly enabling these cycles. She needs to understand that you won't always be able to step in/take the kids when the latest Prince knocks her out and that if she puts her DC in a vulnerable position over and over again, there is a real chance of SS looking into her choices and lifestyle. The best thing you can do is support her emotionally, encourage her to engage with every single resource available - from GPs to Women's Aid to Police and Therapy - but stand firm in your 'enough is enough' approach. She is a mother and she has to put the DC first - not 'mostly' put them first but then rely on you to pick up the pieces when she gets knocked about.

One last thing. This comment you made "birth control does not work - each pregnancy has begun despite her using different methods". That's just not true (and I think you know that). Birth control, used properly, does work. So she is either lying/being lax/having her attempts to prevent pregnancy sabotaged.

If she had given us the slightest inclination that she wanted him out, H would have made sure that he left immediately and she knows this.

@SpiritAdder

They are targeting her because they like a vulnerable victim, and know how to initially love bomb to make a vulnerable woman think she is loved. I sometimes think the local shits pass around a list of potential targets, to make it easy to move from one to another. She is not picking them. She is targeted. Do you think there’s any chance , when things have calmed down a bit of encouraging her to do the Freedom Project?

You need to contact social services for the sake of the children. She cannot keep subjecting them to violent men.

Agree with above - you need to tell social services what you know. Are to willing to care for the children if they decide she can’t?

@Piknik

a drug she takes for bile acid malabsorption sequestered the birth control method she was using - she wasn't told this could happen. The GP said they didn't realise it was a contra indication. She was on the coil - second two pregnancies.

This is so hard. I’m not sure what the answer is. Did she suffer with general low self esteem growing up? I’m autistic (diagnosed late in life) and it was brought up about feelings of inadequacy and settling ect.
Maybe therapy and counselling would help, but id also try to get in contact with women’s aid for some advice and maybe local communities that would support her. She can do so much better than those men, but they attach themselves to vulnerable women like parasites. It’s not love unfortunately, but everyone deserves love and your daughter isn’t going to find it in the men she’s allowing herself to be around. I think a conversation needs to happen with you both, you can express your concerns. She needs to know that she doesn’t have to settle, she can be picky, she’s not in a race with herself. In good time she will find the right someone, but only if she works on herself first and understands where she’s ’going wrong’ (which likely fall under the way her autism makes her understand social interaction and social dynamics, misread human cues ect. I don’t like to call it ‘going wrong’ because it’s something some autistic people have no control over, it’s just part of them as they are, but I’m struggling to find the correct words in leu. Please don’t think im putting blame on her. It’s not to be taken literal. She’s not wrong, the men who chose to abuse her are. And her autism doesn’t make her wrong, it just makes things more difficult than it would for a neurotypical person to socially interact and understand social norms ect)

I hope she leaves that man for good and heals well. I also hope the kids are safe and it hasn’t had any lasting impact on them, but they need an environment much better than the ones she’s put them in recently. You might need to step in for this next chapter.

Good luck, I hope she heals soon and finds the answer, for all of you x

Does she know? Did you literally tell her so? Or is this something you think she knows because you’ve hinted? Even if you have said point blank if you want X out, H will come and make him leave, you must realise in a DV situation she’s going to be too afraid to do that. These men usually threaten dire consequences if a woman steps out of line- and the women are afraid they will carry out their threats. Your daughter now has first hand experience that such threats are not bluffs, which will make her even less likely to speak up in future,

She needs trauma therapy centred on DV and IPV to help her heal and give her tools to hopefully spot these predators more quickly.

Why? The DD has already been in contact with social services
she's told police, who called social services

What do you think OP sticking her oar in with such a judgey comment would gain? She isn’t subjecting her kids to violent men. You’re literally blaming her for being a victim of DV.

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

i once told her I would take the children off her. They'd had a sleepover and I took them home at 2pm. Took ages for DD to open the door

had a call at 7pm - DGD was crying because there was nothing to eat and mummy was in bed and wouldn't feed them. I went and got them and kept them another two nights. She didn't ask how they were or ask when they were coming home.

if I tell social services she will stop me seeing them - at least I see them all the time.

The Police will have also informed social services. It is really normal for women in this situation to unwittingly minimise the level of violence because they’ve been subjected to a boiling frog situation for months/years/decades such that their whole sense of how bad the abuse was is way off. She can take care of her kids, it’s the men that target her that are wholly responsible.

They’re responsible for the violence but if social services give her an ultimatum about this relationship and she decides to reconcile, they will see that as a choice she has made. If she’s minimised the harm she’s experienced so far as well, it’s not a great sign.

@SpiritAdder

she did know - we'd had this conversation. She'd been seeing him for a while before she told us about him. I taught him in year six - he had huge behavioural problems then. I won't tell you what staff referred to him as because it would be considered offensive for teachers to do this - but the term he was labelled with in primary school was absolutely prophetic.

h told him that if he hurt her in any way, he would make sure he went back to jail.

h had to take keys off the previous one.

She won't tell the professionals the truth because she thinks she'll loose the children - he was extremely controlling and they were frightened of him

when DGS wanted the landing light back on because it had always been left on - the abuser smashed it so he couldn't switch it back on

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this OP - I know how horrific it is to be constantly on edge waiting for ‘the call’. My DD was in a relationship with subhuman scum when she was 16 - honestly, the worst time of my life. Luckily no kids were involved but a few years later she got pregnant to somebody else - her relationship with scumbag had been over for a while but he was still lingering in the background. I told her that if I found out she was seeing him again I would report her immediately - and I meant it.

No it’s not your daughters fault she’s being abused - I agree with a pp, it’s not so much her choosing them, more they’re targeting her. That said she needs to know that her kids safety is non-negotiable. That has to be your line in the sand. From your latest post it sounds like she’s neglecting them too - I’m sorry, I know it’s hard but I’d be fighting for my grandkids.

I wouldn’t worry about her stopping you from seeing them, it sounds like it’s just a matter of time before it isn’t her choice.

She did neglect the children.

their personalities changed

why do men do this?

why do men hit women?

why do men murder women?

First poster nails it. Autistic women are really vulnerable to abusers. 90% of us have been raped or sexually assaulted compared to one in three neurotypical women. We are catnip to abusers as they detect that we are autistic, we have terrible defences to them, and we feel so bad about ourselves because we keep getting social stuff wrong that we honestly don't feel that we deserve good men. Plus we get told all our lives that we are doing stuff wrong, so when he blames us for his decision to abuse us, why wouldn't we believe him? It's the same message we've had from everyone else all our lives.

Another poster mentioned the Freedom Programme. That's a good place to start.

i once told her I would take the children off her.

On what planet did you think that threatening to abduct her children would help?

Men do this to women because they can. The best option for your DD is a Hitachi wand and a cat, because predatory men will prey on her and a commitment to singlehood is her best defence against them. Trust me, I know this from experience.

If social services do remove the children, surely you would be the first choice of placement. Would you be able to take them on? If so, maybe that is the best outcome, until your DD gets the help she needs.

Op, you are kind but what you are doing has not helped.
You should have called the Police before calling your son.
Please report all you know about abuse in DD's household to Police.
The involvement of SS has to be more protective for her children than how they are living with DD's poor choices.
Be prepared to have custody of the children.

why do men do this?
why do men hit women?
why do men murder women?

I think most of us women ask these questions. It’s because insecure and angry men want control. They want to be in control and feel “powerfu”l. They choose to abuse women and children because they are more vulnerable and easier to control. Especially women with autism and other disabilities.

I can’t imagine how scared, worried, frustrated you must feel. But it’s not your daughters fault she gets abused. It’s the fault of the men. Granted, any sign of abuse she needs to leave and get her children away immediately, but it’s not always that black and white.

Engage with SS and I would encourage your daughter to look into the Freedom Programme
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Your poor, poor daughter, and I am so sorry for you and her dad too.

These subhuman creatures are incredibly good at picking up on signs someone is vulnerable. They target them.

Men who are abusers hit women and children for fun, rape them for fun, murder them for fun - because they enjoy it. Once you understand that, you stop worrying about the whys.

I am so sorry for you all and especially the children. I wish I could offer some sort of practical help. Please do reach out to any of the many groups and programs for families of victims.

Police would have informed SS as a matter of procedure. I hope they do become involved as support can then be given to your daughter eg Freedom Programme, and support for the children also. They have been subject to emotional harm and by the sounds, could be at risk of physical harm. To be fair I cannot see how SS wouldn't be involved now, even if your daughter has minimised the incident she has been left with nasty injuries. The best thing she can do is engage with support offered. This must be very difficult for all involved, I'm so sorry OP.

Edited to add - also a concern is the pattern of domestic abuse which is why something like the Freedom Programme is so important. Your daughter sounds vulnerable and needs support to protect her children.

Hand hold. That’s awful. Do you have the resources to pay for therapy for her? Maybe that could help unpick the situation, and likely help with ptsd she could have after and how to message this to the children