Trigger warning - domestic violence - don't say I told you so ...

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

My older DD is autistic which is relevant to social and trust issues.

she has now had three relationships. The first with a controlling violent subhuman - had to pick her up, 20wks pregnant, when he kicked her down the stairs.

Second - fantasist subhuman. Two DS born in the same year.

birth control does not work - each pregnancy has begun despite her using different methods.

third - a violent subhuman who has been in jail twice for beating up his girlfriends. He told her he'd changed - I know.

she put herself and her children in danger knowingly - she didn't want to hear what I was saying.

I told her I would have have to wait to pick up the pieces.

and here I am ...

less than six months after he wormed his grubby way in

i was expecting her to drop the DGC off on her way to work. They didn't arrive at the usual time and my first thought was that she and the DGC had been murdered - I know

i was ringing her phone - straight to voicemail

I was ringing DGD phone - straight to voicemail

I daren't go round to the house

i asked H to go round, he was spooked so started to get ready to go out and I got a reply from DD - not at work today mum. Forgot to tell you.

I messaged back but got no reply. I messaged DGD - no reply.

that night I got a message - mum I need you now the children are safe don't worry please come now

I felt sick and would have normally gone straight away but I was doing my therapy which takes 30 min and cannot be stopped once commenced. So H rang our son and they both went to her house.

the abuser had punched my daughter in the face so hard that her cheek was broken and her eye is damaged - she describes seeing wet cobwebs in her vision. This had happened five days previously to her telling me.

she had been telling him to leave for a month and he'd been telling her that she didn't mean it.

she rang his father to come and pick him up and he hit her, the children saw it. She ran out of her house with the children because he then punched her in the stomach.

when I eventually got to her house that night she said 'don't say I told you so mum'

why does she choose these monsters?

why do men hit women? - genuine question - especially to the men on here

she's told police, who called social services, a slightly sanitised version of events and doesn't want me to ring them and give them my version of events.

I feel she holds me to ransom because I know she can stop me from seeing the children - I have looked after them since their births - I take them to school/pick them up, we have weekly sleepovers, we take them on holiday.

who and how do I approach the subject of appropriate partners in order to help her? If I 'go behind her back' she will punish me. She's never had a 'nice' one. The first one she brought to our house (unexpectedly) was much older than her and had no front teeth top and bottom - and it just got got worse from there.

I feel that all I can do is carry on and watch her car crash life - it's an absolute waking nightmare

You need to have a full and open conversation with social services because the reality is that she's neglecting these children over and over, and exposing them to violence and danger.

She is not a good parent, and I appreciate that's hard to hear. You can't control her actions but you can stand up for your grandchildren.

I've been where you daughter has. I don't know about autism, it's been suggested to me before, but I've never pursued a diagnosis. I've been sat here thinking what would've helped me. To be honest, in the short term, nothing. It's like my brain wouldn't allow me to see him as abusive, as someone I needed protecting from. It's only now I can look back and be glad people were looking out for me and the kids. So, do whatever needs done. She's not going to be happy, but maybe in a few years she'll be able to see it was for the best.

I don't know if I would've been able to listen, but therapy or one of the Women's Aid courses might've helped. The other thing, I was very isolated and the relationship was pretty much my whole life. So, anything like friends, hobbies, education that helps her develop a bit of herself outside a relationship would be a good thing. I know it must be incredibly frustrating for you, but knowing she has you in an emergency is a huge thing.

You really need to take a step back on the emotional side and ask yourself what you would do if this family were not related to you.

The correct action is to contact SS and formally report this as those children would be better off in the care system if as you say they cannot live with you as h would not allow it.

What will you think when the next man to pick her up seriously injures one of the children instead of punching your daughter.

Please do the right thing by them and report formally.

If they are taken into care you would still be able to see them and support them you are not the danger issue to them but how can you witness the neglect and trauma they are suffering and not do anything about it!

I agree about therapy, this only works if you think you 'need' it and want to change. Same with places like women's Aid. She doesn't see herself as being in need.

You are correct and I completely agree with you.

I am wondering why OP hasn’t reported it, as I’d be doing whatever I can to have those poor kids removed from their care but my only thought was that OP is concerned that they’re all going to be at more risk of harm if she’s not around.

That’s why she should report anonymously if she’s concerned about pushing her DD away.

I completely agree.

The majority of men who harm or kill children are step dads and are facilitated by the mums not putting the children first.

I have very little sympathy for her as she is choosing this life but the kids are not.

They are being abused, even if the violence is not directed at them.

What happens when inevitably a man attacks one of the children (which has likely already happened) - is she going to finally leave then?

What happens when she inevitably meets a man who is a peadophile and attacks the children - is she just going to turn a blind eye or help him abuse them?

As the PP said, take emotion out of it - what advice would you give one of us?

Agreed. And it sounds like you may be a professional yourself - there are implications around this if you have knowingly allowed you GC to subject to harm and not acted appropriately.

The only ones who have no choice or control in this are the children. Everyone else has choices including you, OP.
Please contact social services today. They will respect anonymity but ime, your daughter will guess/ assume it's you. What you're doing now isn't giving the children any protection at all.

An anonymous report is pointless in this circumstance. Anonymous reports don't really help from an evidential perspective. And this is the children's grandmother - she needs to tell the truth and stand by it, not fuck about with anonymous reports.

She needs to do the freedom programme. You need to speak to social services and discuss your worries. I think the children need to removed into your care.

She neglects them herself and continually brings violent men into the home.

I dont think telling her she is a good mum is going to solve the problem. She needs to be told she is failing them and needs to put them 1st and step up.

Vulnerable or not, it is not an excuse for putting these kids in danger and neglecting them to the point they are phoning OP as they are starving and mum won't get out of bed. She has a part in their trauma too, even if the men all disappeared, these kids are not OK under her roof

It seems as though they won't disclose to DD who made the report, from this link? brethertonlaw.co.uk/services/child-law/child-social-services-intervention-common-questions-answers/can-i-find-out-who-reported-me-to-social-services/

Holy fuck op. You're a teacher. You've done safeguarding training and had updates that we've all yawned through every September. You KNOW this is bad. You KNOW the kids have suffered harm from the boyfriends, you've KNOWINGLY returned them after babysitting.

The circumstances you've described in this post are horrific. The children - who are especially vulnerable due to their SEN - have ABSOLUTELY been harmed by these men, by their mother and by you by not acting on it. This has been going on for YEARS and you've done nothing.

You need to report the whole sorry mess to the police and ss and the school TODAY to get your DGC and your daughter the help they ALL need. And you know what - if the kids are removed and your daughter disowns you, you can still say you did the right thing by the children.

She doesn’t need to tell professionals anything to be in danger of losing the children. If they’re witnessing this stuff they could be speaking to teachers, friends or other relatives who would absolutely be reporting it - as should you.

It sounds like she needs some kind of intervention from children’s services and if that frightens her about losing the children then good, job done. If you’re able to step in and look after them while she does a parenting course and the freedom program etc would that help?

I know it’s not easy. I’ve been in situations with abusive men and they can be very persuasive and/or intimidating so getting out isn’t always easy. But she clearly isn’t able to choose decent partners so she needs to stop dating altogether until she’s able to spot a wrong un before he breaks bones. There will have been signs. Whether she dismissed or missed them.

I hope she’ll be ok and I hope those poor kids don’t have to spend another moment under the roof of an angry violent man.

I’d also add having read updates - you’re a fucking teacher!! You know about safeguarding. If you don’t report this properly then you’re complicit in the harm coming to these children. Be their safe space as their mum clearly isn’t capable of being so. If the reports come from elsewhere and it is discovered that you knew about all this, you will not be considered an alternative safe home for them, they’ll end up in care.

No they don't have to - but social services aren't police, they don't have powers to 'investigate' reports, they need to involve family networks in supporting children so it's imperative that open, honest conversations take place. Tell me what you think the purpose would be of OP sharing what she knows anonymously?

Absolutely this!!

She is not a good mum, a good mum would not expose her kids to this.

She is choosing to live like this, they are not.
She is just as abusive as the men are.

We know they are being emotionally abused and she is allowing it.
What happens if they’re being physically or sexually abused - do we just make excuses and say she can’t help it or that it’s ok because she’s a victim too.

Where do we draw the line - for me she already crossed the line when she had the first whiff of an abusive man and kept him
in her home.

I can only imagine the hell you are going through. It is way past time for you to say Enough and call social services and tell them the truth. Your daughter is not capable of protecting her children. Those children have already seen and heard too much. Do the right thing by your Grandchildren.

The freedom programme or triple R are not going to help in this situation, she is both autistic and very likely to have complex PTSD , before she can even engage with that kind of work she needs EMDR counselling, it is more effective with neurodivergent people and those who have experienced high levels of trauma and abuse.

OP is that an angle you can take with her? Focus on her recovery. Are you in a position to finance EMDR?
Alternatively could she and the children live with you? If she is loving with you she can't be loving with a violent man, so even if she gets into another violent relationship which I'm sorry to say is more than likely if nothing else changes, at least the children are not subjected to him.

Or SS will tell her that if she doesn't allow you to continue your protective relationship with them, they will be at risk of being taken into care. There are likely to be long term plans to keep the children safe, which you may well be invited to contribute to.
No you don't have an automatic right to contact with DGC but where there is a question mark over the parenting, often GP are asked to be involved by SS.

OP your user name rings a bell with me.
?are you the person whose husband was very ill with heart disease
he eventually came home but seemed his personality was affected.
Became very grumpy and self centred.
?pump head etc ?
And other problems with your health and family.
Whoever it was has been through an awful lot.
Hope you can make some progress with this.

Quite. Yes, autistic women are more likely to be abused, but there's a reason I'm staying single until DS is much older. Once you have kids you need to protect them and they should come first. Someone needs to protect these poor kids if their mother can't. It's them I feel sorry for.

I'm saying that if she reported as the children's grandmother, that still doesn't mean her DD will be told it was her who reported. I'm not sure if that would be helpful or not, but perhaps it's worth knowing.

Exactly.

She has failed to protect the children. If this was the 1st abusive man and it had been a slow build up and she woke up soon as it affected the kids and threw his arse to the curb. Then the 'it's not her fault, she is a victim, she is vulnerable' comments wouldnt be in such bad taste.

This is the 3rd shit man, she knew this recent 1 had previous and still she moved him in. She has let her house get to ruin, spent all her money on him, junk food, booze and cigs instead of proper food for her children. Assume this money is from benefits given to provide for the children in the 1st place. The kids must have been terrified when he smashed that light. If that was the only insodence he should have been kicked to the curb.

If she is too vulnerable to protect these kids then she is not fit to parent them. And that "tell her she is a good mum" post I had quoted is really taking the piss.

There have been posters on here posting about a disagreement their man has had with their teens, in an otherwise good relationship, and the poster has been jumped on for not putting the kids 1st and moving the man into their home. There have been real life cases in the news where children have been killed by the stepdad, there follows a rightful hate towards the mum for failing to protect the children and saying she is as guilty as he is. Why does OPs daughter get a free pass in the abuse her children are witnessing and experience to themselves, and even the neglect she herself has done? Its so strange. Like she is in this middle place, where she is seen as a victim so can't have responsibility for it, as the abuse on the kids hasn't resulted in SA or death as this seems the point in which she would become accountable again