Trigger warning - domestic violence - don't say I told you so ...

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

My older DD is autistic which is relevant to social and trust issues.

she has now had three relationships. The first with a controlling violent subhuman - had to pick her up, 20wks pregnant, when he kicked her down the stairs.

Second - fantasist subhuman. Two DS born in the same year.

birth control does not work - each pregnancy has begun despite her using different methods.

third - a violent subhuman who has been in jail twice for beating up his girlfriends. He told her he'd changed - I know.

she put herself and her children in danger knowingly - she didn't want to hear what I was saying.

I told her I would have have to wait to pick up the pieces.

and here I am ...

less than six months after he wormed his grubby way in

i was expecting her to drop the DGC off on her way to work. They didn't arrive at the usual time and my first thought was that she and the DGC had been murdered - I know

i was ringing her phone - straight to voicemail

I was ringing DGD phone - straight to voicemail

I daren't go round to the house

i asked H to go round, he was spooked so started to get ready to go out and I got a reply from DD - not at work today mum. Forgot to tell you.

I messaged back but got no reply. I messaged DGD - no reply.

that night I got a message - mum I need you now the children are safe don't worry please come now

I felt sick and would have normally gone straight away but I was doing my therapy which takes 30 min and cannot be stopped once commenced. So H rang our son and they both went to her house.

the abuser had punched my daughter in the face so hard that her cheek was broken and her eye is damaged - she describes seeing wet cobwebs in her vision. This had happened five days previously to her telling me.

she had been telling him to leave for a month and he'd been telling her that she didn't mean it.

she rang his father to come and pick him up and he hit her, the children saw it. She ran out of her house with the children because he then punched her in the stomach.

when I eventually got to her house that night she said 'don't say I told you so mum'

why does she choose these monsters?

why do men hit women? - genuine question - especially to the men on here

she's told police, who called social services, a slightly sanitised version of events and doesn't want me to ring them and give them my version of events.

I feel she holds me to ransom because I know she can stop me from seeing the children - I have looked after them since their births - I take them to school/pick them up, we have weekly sleepovers, we take them on holiday.

who and how do I approach the subject of appropriate partners in order to help her? If I 'go behind her back' she will punish me. She's never had a 'nice' one. The first one she brought to our house (unexpectedly) was much older than her and had no front teeth top and bottom - and it just got got worse from there.

I feel that all I can do is carry on and watch her car crash life - it's an absolute waking nightmare

Im glad you are there for her and your grandchildren but the reality is until she wants change there is nothing you can do other than be there.

i would also suggest that she looks up the freedom programme. I think it would be beneficial.

Reading through the thread bow.

oh my god stop blaming your daughter and support her, no questions asked, no blame.

You are lucky not to have suffered any kind of domestic abuse because everything you are writing is your dd/dgc being abused/effect of abuse.

you might benefit from some education, the freedom programme and ultimately please STOP victim blaming.

What I really don’t understand from the stop victim blaming group of people is what they think should happen for the children if a mother is supported but continues to place the children at risk? Should the children be ignored and suffer so the adult can have time and understanding on the off chance they can learn to protect themselves and the kids? Would there still be cries of stop victim blaming if it was a vulnerable person allowing sex offenders access to their children?

Totally agree. What part of "you are endangering your children's lives" does she not understand?
Those children should have been taken into care years ago

Is your H your DDs father OP?

Abusive men do this because they fucking can. It’s almost impressive how autistic women can mask for years and do ok in school to get diagnosed after burnout in their late 30s/40s onward but scummy predatory men will sniff them out at 18 to abuse them.

OP, your situation is absolutely fucking abhorrent and it’s hard to advise because your DD could prevent you from seeing your DGC. But one day she may date a family annihilator.
I wonder does your DD have a PDA profile or is she ODD in some way? Her being told to stop stop finding abusive men and still doing it even with prior warning, may be her drive for autonomy over her choices, as much as the men are predators, she may also seek them out. Not victim blaming at all, she is the victim, but a autistic woman with PDA I happen to be very close to would refuse the safety of her mothers home with her DC and would instead stay with her abuser because she didn’t want her mother to tell her what to do. Again, not victim blaming here but this woman would rather her nose broken by her partners than having to return to her mother, she describes it as, at least she was choosing her nose to be broken, however at home with her mother, she had to listen to her mum and that was not her choice.

I sadly have extensive DV experience and have had all the therapy you can get and I remain just as riddled with CPTSD as ever. The best thing for your DGC is to be removed from your DD, she cannot keep them safe. I am so sorry for all of you.

Well let them go into care then if you can't have them. But they cannot stay there. She may have kicked this guy out but it's highly likely he will be back. Or someone else, if she doesn't do some serious self reflection and intensive therapy.

Sorry OP but you MUST go to Social Services. You say your daughter left the DGC without food for days. That alone is neglect. Add on all the other stuff they've experienced - physical and mental abuse of their mum, chaotic lifestyles, etc. and it's no surprise they appear to have changed in personality.
Your daughter needs help, of course. But your DGC need help more, in the sense that they have no control or choices over any of this. You're their safe space - and thank God they have you - so advocate for them now in any way you can.
💐

She knows social services know via the police so she must be expecting them to open an investigation? Surely they have told her to keep this man away from the children? I think you have to tell them everything so that she can’t go back to him

A 'good mum'? What does that actually mean, when the children go hungry and live with violence for 11 years? She's objectively not a good mum and OP is also not a good grandmother as she's enabled this.
If the mother is impacted so much by her autism that she cannot perceived and assess risk then she's not capable of safely caring for her children. Love is not enough. Many parents cannot meet their children's needs because of learning disabilities or cognitive differences. Many can, despite those challenges. At what point do you say ENOUGH - these children have had enough, and she's failing them?

Both are true.
There is a bizarre belief that women never make any choices or have any agency when it comes to abusive men. Yes they do. Women can be particularly vulnerable AND have agency over the partners they are attracted to.

I feel sorry for her, and you. But she is not a safe or fit mother. You must report to social services for their sake.

Hear hear.

And it is also irritating that the op has not sought help in case her dd stops her seeing the children. Unbelievable.

OK having just read this, I take back my last comment. I don't feel sorry for either of you. I'm disgusted that youve let this happen to those poor children and you should be thoroughly ashamed.

You absolutely MUST tell social services every last thing that you know. I don't care if your daughter has said she will stop you seeing them, your grandchildren are in DANGER. Do you really want to carry on seeing them, knowing that they are being abused (witnessing DV is 100% child abuse, even if no hands are laid on the children themselves. And there's no guarantee the abuse won't extend to the children sooner or later) and you are doing nothing to stop it? Because what's going to happen when they get older, they're going to (hopefully) at some point turn their backs on everyone who could have protected them as children but did not.

Your daughter has to be the secondary concern here because she is an adult. An autistic adult is still an adult. I know because I am autistic myself. Go to social services today, please.

Op you are failing those children and you don't even have the excuse that you've been abused.

Ok so do you threaten to take her child which causes her upset? Can she see its to break the abusive cycle?
Is she unalento read people and know it is abusive that its not ok?
Condoms are a option of he says no then its a no sexually.
I dont know...it can be a manipulating man taking advantage but perhaps a social service can help her
Do they have services fot to suit her non threatening or overbearing?
Probably thr worst situation but I know abusive men can be very in your face and controlling...is she willing to walk away or trapped? Scared or to frightend to leave or get rid of these losers?
What a horrible situarion for the woman.
Must be heart breaking.

h doesn't know the half of it - it's much worse than I've described.

Why are you not telling your husband what's really going on? If you did, might be change his mind about contacting the professionals?

I'm really sorry that you're being put in such a difficult position. Your DD is in no way responsible for the abuse that those scum have put her through. But she is choosing to hide it and minimise it, and she is choosing to use threats against you to persuade you to lie to the very people who are there to help her and her children.

Imagine that you're sat in a meeting room with social services, the police, the head of your DGD's school, and various other safeguarding professionals. It's a meeting to decide if your DGDs should go on the child protection register. You get asked why, given you knew this had been going on and that your DGDs were being put at risk, you hadn't done anything about it. What will you say?

I don't ask this to make you feel bad. I ask this because I've been asked that question, in that meeting, about the risk my ex posed to our DCs. The background was different but the point is the same - they were trying to find out if they could trust me to put the children's safety first. It made me realise that by minimising my ex's behaviour I'd not been helping, I'd been allowing the risk to my DCs to continue.

I work in a child exploitation team and almost all of my caseload are neurodivergent, it’s very rare to have a young person not diagnosed or waiting for an assessment. And it is so hard in getting them to understand the risks that they are placing themselves at enough to make positive choices. I don’t know what the answer is and it is heartbreaking speaking to parents who are really trying so hard to protect them. I understand your reluctance to inform social care but the damage being caused to her children is significant. She is an adult and even though she has challenges that make her vulnerable she still has choice which the children don’t have. It sounds like you are doing all you can to help her, please don’t stop doing that but do make the call.

This sounds nightmarish for all involved, OP, but you need to do whatever it takes to get your DGC out of your DD's care. She isn't capable of protecting them, she neglects them, and they're being exposed to traumatising, violent abuse - they're being abused themselves, through that, and they're going to grow up to be just as fucked up as their mother and the men she allows into their lives if no one intercedes.

She may be autistic and a victim of violent men, but when you become a mother you become responsible for your children's well-being, and she is failing them horrendously.

Yes, autistic women are more vulnerable to abuse but she needs therapy to unpick why she keeps choosing and staying with violent men in every relationship, why she hasn't stopped entering into relationships knowing how terrible her judgement is, and why she kept her pregnancies and deliberately brought children into violent and abusive relationships.

(I say this as an AUDHD woman who experienced partner violence and abuse as a teenager.)

OP you are not helping your DGCs or DD by trying to keep a lid on all of this, all you are doing is unwittingly making sure this situation can continue.
Report
Next time DD gets a BF you can do a Clare’s Law disclosure request- anonymously - if he’s a known abuser the police will tell your DD (not you) - they will know from records that she is vulnerable
Give your family a chance to be helped by professionals and give them the truth so they can do their jobs

You must tell social service the truth, the whole truth and you must do it immediately

If you want to take on the grandchildren yourself then do so. If your husband chooses not to be a part of that journey then so be it, that's his choice

If you want to support them in placement, then do that.

Stop being so wishy washy. Yes bad men. But also bad choices by your vulnerable daughter, and bad choices are being made right now by you, who has failed to protect the kids on several occasions. Step up before someone else does and it's an even worse shit show

Stop making excuses for your DD. She is an unfit parent, subjecting her DC to witnessing appalling situations, and subjecting them to appalling male behaviour. There is no way these DC have any responsible parenting from their mother or her partner from what you describe. You should report everything to SS and push for the LA to get care orders, possibly using you as kinship carer. But you sound as though you have watched and allowed far too much to happen already. I am sorry has turned out like this, it must be very distressing for you, but the needs of the children are now the priority.

To add, OP - unless you contact the appropriate authorities and make sure they know exactly how abusive, neglectful, and chaotic your DGCs' lives are you are complicit in the abuse, just as your DD is.
Yes, it might be her violent, abusive boyfriends actually creating the situation, but everyone else who could take steps to stop it but allows it to continue, is complicit in the terrible harm that's being done to your DGC.

Call her bluff and call SS ( which is what you should do anyway). She's clearly not capable of looking after her children with or without you. Given the state of the care system you might possibly be able to get custody of the children.

Any SW that could advise?

It doesn’t actually matter what DD’s disabilities are, her choices are putting her kids in serious danger. You have no option but to safeguard them. This will actually help her in the long run, even if she doesn’t see it straight away.