Trigger warning - domestic violence - don't say I told you so ...

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

My older DD is autistic which is relevant to social and trust issues.

she has now had three relationships. The first with a controlling violent subhuman - had to pick her up, 20wks pregnant, when he kicked her down the stairs.

Second - fantasist subhuman. Two DS born in the same year.

birth control does not work - each pregnancy has begun despite her using different methods.

third - a violent subhuman who has been in jail twice for beating up his girlfriends. He told her he'd changed - I know.

she put herself and her children in danger knowingly - she didn't want to hear what I was saying.

I told her I would have have to wait to pick up the pieces.

and here I am ...

less than six months after he wormed his grubby way in

i was expecting her to drop the DGC off on her way to work. They didn't arrive at the usual time and my first thought was that she and the DGC had been murdered - I know

i was ringing her phone - straight to voicemail

I was ringing DGD phone - straight to voicemail

I daren't go round to the house

i asked H to go round, he was spooked so started to get ready to go out and I got a reply from DD - not at work today mum. Forgot to tell you.

I messaged back but got no reply. I messaged DGD - no reply.

that night I got a message - mum I need you now the children are safe don't worry please come now

I felt sick and would have normally gone straight away but I was doing my therapy which takes 30 min and cannot be stopped once commenced. So H rang our son and they both went to her house.

the abuser had punched my daughter in the face so hard that her cheek was broken and her eye is damaged - she describes seeing wet cobwebs in her vision. This had happened five days previously to her telling me.

she had been telling him to leave for a month and he'd been telling her that she didn't mean it.

she rang his father to come and pick him up and he hit her, the children saw it. She ran out of her house with the children because he then punched her in the stomach.

when I eventually got to her house that night she said 'don't say I told you so mum'

why does she choose these monsters?

why do men hit women? - genuine question - especially to the men on here

she's told police, who called social services, a slightly sanitised version of events and doesn't want me to ring them and give them my version of events.

I feel she holds me to ransom because I know she can stop me from seeing the children - I have looked after them since their births - I take them to school/pick them up, we have weekly sleepovers, we take them on holiday.

who and how do I approach the subject of appropriate partners in order to help her? If I 'go behind her back' she will punish me. She's never had a 'nice' one. The first one she brought to our house (unexpectedly) was much older than her and had no front teeth top and bottom - and it just got got worse from there.

I feel that all I can do is carry on and watch her car crash life - it's an absolute waking nightmare

You could approach the children’s school with your concerns. But I do think you should ring SS. These poor children.

I think a lot of these ‘men’ pair up with vulnerable women purely for somewhere to stay….usually for free! They don’t really want to be in a relationship, they just want free board and access to sex. She’ll be forever targeted by these sort of men, for as long as she has a bed for them.

You have to act OP. Your DD is an adult who is allowed to make shit choices, but she’s not allowed to make them on behalf of her children. One day you DGC will grow and wonder why you kept returning them to an abusive environment -you need to do this for them.

I volunteer in child protection, sadly we see so many cases like this. In our area social services will contact grandparents to garner their views, produce an assessment report and to assess if they are suitable to be kinship carers for grand children. They will certainly take in to consideration your bond with your grandchildren.
If social services haven't already contacted you, you could be proactive and contact them with your concerns.
I second what other posters have stated, that your daughters partners have chosen her, as she is so vulnerable. Domestic abuse is so complex.

whilst that is true she’s in a spiral of self doubt. So let’s say the SS know, tell her this but don’t take the kids and she is then angry and not getting any help from the OP it leaves the kids in a worse position. In my honest opinion she needs support she needs help to build her confidence , not blame but actually help. Much more likely to accept help if it comes from a place of empathy rather than blame.

You have to talk to SS and the police. Hold nothing back. Your dd cannot keep her children safe. Someone else has to.

You are supporting the abuse by not reporting this. She isn’t protecting them so you have too, even if that means losing them.

I can’t imagine not having my dgc in my life but I also can’t imagine knowing that they are being repeatedly abused and not doing anything about it.

Your dd is vulnerable and can’t get herself out of this cycle.

100% this.

This has been going on for 11 years. How many more years do you suggest the OP keeps trying the gentle encouragement approach before she finally decides that it's not working?

You owe it to your GC to call social services. Your daughter is failing them and now you are failing them by not speaking up for them.

When my sister was going through something similar I rang womens aid and they gave me really good advice. It was helpful to get everything I was feeling out and to hear a different perspective. They were also able to give lots of practical advice.

No, she needs a boot up the backside. Actually, who even cares what she needs? It is the children who need to be rescued. If she wants to waste her life on these losers that's her preogative, but the children deserve better.

If she don't contact social services you may see the children all the time, yes. But you may also see your daughter beaten to a bulp or worse. And same for your grandchildren.

She is a vulnerable adult who is responsible for children. She needs protection that you cant give her and if that means she is angry with you and you have to liaise with social services to have a relationship with your grandchildren, well, better that than the potential alternatives.

"Abduct", to take away without returning, is correct.

I am thinking of those children. I am specifically thinking of how OP's threat will make her DD see her as a threat instead an ally, and will hence cause DD to pull away, putting the children at greater risk because DD will fear her own mother and will conceal problems from her.

We can recognise that their mother is vulnerable to abuse because she cannot recognise abusers and attracts them like catnip, and argue that SS should take the kids into care because of her vulnerability.

Has anyone actually said that the kids should not be taken into care?

Women, even vulnerable ones, do have agency. We don't necessarily know how to use it effectively. The point of the Freedom Programme is to give women the tools to detect abusers early and act quickly to be rid of them.

Abusive men do this because they fucking can. It’s almost impressive how autistic women can mask for years and do ok in school to get diagnosed after burnout in their late 30s/40s onward but scummy predatory men will sniff them out at 18 to abuse them.

Think about it:

• Abusive men benefit from a vulnerable victim, so proactively seek them out.
• Teachers get extra workload from the reasonable adjustments for SEND kids, so they wilfully ignore the obvious autism.

To be fair it sounds like social services need to stop her from seeing them, at least not without supervision.

Of course you can, but the majority of the comments I saw before I wrote that spoke about what the mother’s needs were without mentioning the children at all.

I sort of the agree that the OP shouldn't make threats. She should take action. The daughter doesn't deserve these children but it's no point telling her that.

Yes I get that, I'm saying reporting anonymously when you're literally part of the family and need to be involved in any safety planning for the kids is pointless. Open conversation is necessary.

Im another one saying you need to put your grandchildren first here and tell social services . Theyre not permitted to reveal their sources. If you show yourself to be concerned and responsible this gives you the best chance of continuing to play a key role in their lives. Childrens services will make it clear to your daughter that she cannot endanger her children through repeat contact with suitable men. Shes not listening to you but if she truly values her children she will have no choice but to listen to them. You dont need to tell your husband or anybody that you have contacted them. Its also very true that your daughter is vulnerable too, its time to get help for her sake also. The next time, it could be a child with broken cheekbone.

You need to tell ss and police everythingyou witnessed
The dc are not safe around her in these relationships

she's told police, who called social services, a slightly sanitised version of events and doesn't want me to ring them and give them my version of events.
Stuff what she wants there are children suffering and she needs help

You can tell ss you happy to take on dc as kinship carer if you are able to

Ask for family group conference

Given the previous threads I remember you playing a hugely involved role in the lives of these children, with an high degree of support to their mum. Given your closeness to the dynamic I don’t think you are well placed to judge the level of safeguarding risk here. This absolutely needs reporting to SS, irrespective what controlling (?) husband thinks, irrespective of what vulnerable daughter thinks, irrespective of what any of the other daughters think.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

I know I facilitated this - I am really struggling to reconcile all that has gone on and very aware of this pattern of behaviour. I must say that it has occurred over the past 11 years - one PP has made it all feel more chaotic and perhaps they are right.

What is there to 'reconcile'? Your DD is not capable of exercising good judgment when it comes to her DC, period. You don't need to 'reconcile' that, just accept it.

h would not want DGC with us permanently - the boys' behaviours can be challenging - which I knew scumbag would not tolerate......I would have them instantly

Is H the DC's GF? If he is then there needs to be a serious discussion with him about how you feel about the wellbeing of who are also his DGC, especially if SS becomes involved. And remind him that it may very well be that once they're out of this chaotic life their behaviour may improve AND that there is probably help out there for all of you. If he is intransigent, leave. If he is not the GF, then don't bother trying to convince him, put your DGC first and leave.

That's what I would do. Never sacrifice children for a man, any man.

I think she is getting a pass because her mother posted not her.

If the daughter posted on MN she would rightly get her arse handed to her.

This is a different situation because posters are trying to be sensitive to the family loyalty the original poster undoubtedly feels towards her daughter in spite of her behaviour. It is so much easier to take these actions on the internet than it is in the real world because otherwise these dilemmas would not arise. People are almost never rational.