Trigger warning - domestic violence - don't say I told you so ...

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

My older DD is autistic which is relevant to social and trust issues.

she has now had three relationships. The first with a controlling violent subhuman - had to pick her up, 20wks pregnant, when he kicked her down the stairs.

Second - fantasist subhuman. Two DS born in the same year.

birth control does not work - each pregnancy has begun despite her using different methods.

third - a violent subhuman who has been in jail twice for beating up his girlfriends. He told her he'd changed - I know.

she put herself and her children in danger knowingly - she didn't want to hear what I was saying.

I told her I would have have to wait to pick up the pieces.

and here I am ...

less than six months after he wormed his grubby way in

i was expecting her to drop the DGC off on her way to work. They didn't arrive at the usual time and my first thought was that she and the DGC had been murdered - I know

i was ringing her phone - straight to voicemail

I was ringing DGD phone - straight to voicemail

I daren't go round to the house

i asked H to go round, he was spooked so started to get ready to go out and I got a reply from DD - not at work today mum. Forgot to tell you.

I messaged back but got no reply. I messaged DGD - no reply.

that night I got a message - mum I need you now the children are safe don't worry please come now

I felt sick and would have normally gone straight away but I was doing my therapy which takes 30 min and cannot be stopped once commenced. So H rang our son and they both went to her house.

the abuser had punched my daughter in the face so hard that her cheek was broken and her eye is damaged - she describes seeing wet cobwebs in her vision. This had happened five days previously to her telling me.

she had been telling him to leave for a month and he'd been telling her that she didn't mean it.

she rang his father to come and pick him up and he hit her, the children saw it. She ran out of her house with the children because he then punched her in the stomach.

when I eventually got to her house that night she said 'don't say I told you so mum'

why does she choose these monsters?

why do men hit women? - genuine question - especially to the men on here

she's told police, who called social services, a slightly sanitised version of events and doesn't want me to ring them and give them my version of events.

I feel she holds me to ransom because I know she can stop me from seeing the children - I have looked after them since their births - I take them to school/pick them up, we have weekly sleepovers, we take them on holiday.

who and how do I approach the subject of appropriate partners in order to help her? If I 'go behind her back' she will punish me. She's never had a 'nice' one. The first one she brought to our house (unexpectedly) was much older than her and had no front teeth top and bottom - and it just got got worse from there.

I feel that all I can do is carry on and watch her car crash life - it's an absolute waking nightmare

You need to speak up ,someone needs to protect these kids.Because the mother certainly isn’t

Read what people are saying. You are complicit in your gc's abuse. And you are a teacher!!!!

Your dd is being targetted rather than her picking these men. Abusive men have amazing radar for vulnerability.

I understand your fear about not seeing the GC but aren’t you concerned that if SS discover that you know the kids were living with abusers and neglected that you wouldn’t be allowed to look after the kids?

Why doesn’t your h know the full story? That’s very strange and makes me wonder if you’re scared of him. If a woman posted on here about her discovery that her h knew that her dd had been abused then she’d rightly get lots of support.

I’m not surprised that the children have behavioural issues. 😢

What a terrible situation.

Has she had proper medical treatment for her injuries? You said she is seeing cobwebs in her injured eye. I'm sorry but she may well have a detached retina and needs urgent hospital treatment or she may loose the sight in that eye.

Your DD is being neglectful of the children too.

This is an awful environment for children.

DV is complex and while it is true that predators choose the victims, victims can be attracted to the predatory type too and I would strongly suggest this is happening with your DD given the very well established pattern on her side. Google and read about Elaine O’Hara a woman who sought out these types of men before being murdered by a particularly awful one.

People are extremely complex and the reality of life is much more complicated than fiction.

While your DD is a victim of her partners, she is victimising her children. This is a very complex dynamic and unless your DD can start to take some responsibility this behaviour will keep following her around.

Your daughter needs to get to hospital immediately. I had a punch in my face by a violent partner that shattered my cheekbone . They call it a zygoma. The swelling isn't actually swelling , its is because the cheek bone has been shattered and makes everything round the edge look swollen. I would also be worried about her vision.
Please get her to go to the hospital. They are fantastic with this type of surgery and she doesn't have to tell them what happened but it will get fixed.
Is her vision ok? I also have permanent nerve damage. She must be in awful pain.

You absolutely need to give social services the full picture. Your daughter needs an adult social worker and the children need a social worker.

You need to tell the truth to social services for a start, surely that’s better than worrying what has happened to them when you don’t see them as scheduled?
She is doing untold damage to her children and by not standing up and telling the truth you are enabling it I’m afraid.
They need to be on the at risk register, so they can be closely monitored. If they do remove them from her care then placing them with you/family members if the preferred option.
Your daughter’s autism isn’t an excuse, it’s a reason she is picking awful people. She is unable to see the finer signs of people lying and taking them at their literal word when they are saying they have changed etc.
I would be advising her to stop trying to enter into relationships and double up on contraception because the last thing she needs is more children.

OP please put your safeguarding head on. If this was a family at your school, what would you need to do with the knowledge you hold about them?

I feel for you OP. You need to be in those kids lives as much as possible. I completely understand why you haven’t gone to social services.

Something went wrong years and years ago. Is she a drug addict ?
As others have said, you have to go to Social services. And the police actually. You know violence has taken place and she reported but you say has given a sanitised version of it. You need to give them yours. Regardless of whether she wants it or not. A crime has taken place.
And next time you are in your therapy, assuming it can be interrupted then do go. Straight away.
Lectures about men will go in one ear and out of the other. She may even be with men who subconsciously she knows you would hate. So the less said by you about choosing them I suspect the better.

If her DD's next boyfriend kills her DD and DGC, or decides he wants to sexually abuse the DGC (if that hasn't already happened), or be violent directly towards them, I bet OP will regret not going to social services.

My deepest compassion goes to you, who has the strength and endurance when all you can do is wait in the wings for the next catastrophe to happen. I can't offer any advice whatsoever. Obviously something needs to change with her life, her children. Look after yourself 🙏

I'm absolutely fuming for your daughter and her children but I don't think she's in any fit state to look after them.
Previous posters have said these men are a danger and you must acknowledge that and contact social services.
Are you retired? Can you provide a stable home?
If she's smoking and drinking she may be on drugs too. There are so many scummy people out there. I know of two murders where the mother was enthralled to the latest boyfriend.
Please get help. She might threaten to not see you but can you forgive yourself if those children are harmed?
Do it today.

I’m so sorry you and DH are having to go through this.

It’s the kids I feel sorry for.
They will also likely grow up to be abusers or victims because they’ve been taught this is normal.
Their brains have already been permanently altered by the abuse they’ve been exposed to.

I have less sympathy for your DD who is choosing to be in these relationships.

I try and teach my DC the importance of being single and independent and only getting into a relationship that is mutually respectful, but I know that any of them could end up in abusive relationships and there’s nothing I can do about it.

My friend is in a similar situation with her DD.
After multiples times of violence, he tried to kill her and she ended up in a coma with life threatening injuries.
He went to prison and so she had that physical separation which you’d think would make her wake up - she was literally waiting for him on the day he got out.

Fortunately she doesn’t have DCs as luckily she’s unable to have them but her mum has resigned herself to the fact that one day she’ll get a phonecall to say he’s killed her and so it’s just a waiting game.

You have to be careful about being too negative about her partners.
I spoke to a DV professional who said when her DD was in a controlling relationship, she never ever slagged him off and would regularly invite them around etc.
It was then her DD who started saying that she’s not sure it’s right but the mum still had to bite her tongue a bit.

I don’t know the answer but I know if you are too negative about him she will stay with him just to prove you wrong/show everyone that they were wrong and she’s not a failure.

I completely agree but I’m assuming that if she goes to SS, the DD will completely block her out of her life and then OP feels the DC will be in even more danger.

We know SS aren’t just going to go in and remove them straight away.

I would absolutely report to police and SS but do it anonymously as a neighbour perhaps - I don’t know if you can do that.

My sister is the same. She's dated identical men since she was 14. It's very simple, she doesn't know what a good man is. She doesn't know what love is.

Tell your husband the whole situation. It’s crazy you are keeping things from him.

If social services remove the children they will often work with grandparents etc who are positive role models to enable the continuation of access/visits and days out.

please don’t let this go on any longer @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche you absolutely need to be honest with the DV dept in the police and tell them your concerns over the whole situation. As someone else has said you won’t be seen as a protective factor by SW if you’re seen to have colluded with the abuse of the GC by not reporting.
I am assuming your husband isn’t Dads dad? She may need some therapy to deal with her daddy issues and also the Freedom project to help her recognise patterns of abuse and mix with other women who know how it feels and can help her.
There is absolutely no point in saying “I told you so” but say “Well done for leaving. Well
done for doing what you can to protect the kids, now please let us help you to carry on protecting them and getting them and you the life you deserve where you are safe and happy”.

I believe the NSPCC will forward anonymous reports to social services.

The DGC won't be in any more danger though. They're already being exposed to abusers, and (re-reading OP's posts) it seems like they're also being directly abused themselves. OP being able to see the DGC hasn't stopped them from being forced to witness extreme violence, being terrified, being abused themselves, and again (re: sexual abuse) god knows what they've experienced that they may feel too scared or ashamed to tell anyone else.

OP's refusal to do anything and everything to get the DGC out of there, lying to her husband, and not reporting all the abuse in detail, is actually quite distressing.

Even if OP doesn't do it anonymously, I don't believe that social services would tell the DD 'yes, your mum narked on you', as that would only cause further issues - and discourage people from reporting for fear of backlash. OP might want to double-check, but I can't imagine that the person being reported has any right to know who reported them.

Agreed. I would go as far as to say that she is also abusing the children by subjecting them to these violent men.

The op having contacts with the dgcs is not helping to protect them at all.

It seems like all she cares about is her access to them.