Trigger warning - domestic violence - don't say I told you so ...

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

My older DD is autistic which is relevant to social and trust issues.

she has now had three relationships. The first with a controlling violent subhuman - had to pick her up, 20wks pregnant, when he kicked her down the stairs.

Second - fantasist subhuman. Two DS born in the same year.

birth control does not work - each pregnancy has begun despite her using different methods.

third - a violent subhuman who has been in jail twice for beating up his girlfriends. He told her he'd changed - I know.

she put herself and her children in danger knowingly - she didn't want to hear what I was saying.

I told her I would have have to wait to pick up the pieces.

and here I am ...

less than six months after he wormed his grubby way in

i was expecting her to drop the DGC off on her way to work. They didn't arrive at the usual time and my first thought was that she and the DGC had been murdered - I know

i was ringing her phone - straight to voicemail

I was ringing DGD phone - straight to voicemail

I daren't go round to the house

i asked H to go round, he was spooked so started to get ready to go out and I got a reply from DD - not at work today mum. Forgot to tell you.

I messaged back but got no reply. I messaged DGD - no reply.

that night I got a message - mum I need you now the children are safe don't worry please come now

I felt sick and would have normally gone straight away but I was doing my therapy which takes 30 min and cannot be stopped once commenced. So H rang our son and they both went to her house.

the abuser had punched my daughter in the face so hard that her cheek was broken and her eye is damaged - she describes seeing wet cobwebs in her vision. This had happened five days previously to her telling me.

she had been telling him to leave for a month and he'd been telling her that she didn't mean it.

she rang his father to come and pick him up and he hit her, the children saw it. She ran out of her house with the children because he then punched her in the stomach.

when I eventually got to her house that night she said 'don't say I told you so mum'

why does she choose these monsters?

why do men hit women? - genuine question - especially to the men on here

she's told police, who called social services, a slightly sanitised version of events and doesn't want me to ring them and give them my version of events.

I feel she holds me to ransom because I know she can stop me from seeing the children - I have looked after them since their births - I take them to school/pick them up, we have weekly sleepovers, we take them on holiday.

who and how do I approach the subject of appropriate partners in order to help her? If I 'go behind her back' she will punish me. She's never had a 'nice' one. The first one she brought to our house (unexpectedly) was much older than her and had no front teeth top and bottom - and it just got got worse from there.

I feel that all I can do is carry on and watch her car crash life - it's an absolute waking nightmare

So sorry it sounds like an awful situation for you I think wait for the dust to settle a bit and then talk to her about getting support to break this cycle. Maybe the freedom programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ could be really useful for her to understand more about how abusive relationships work or some therapy but I understand it feels difficult for you to rock the boat in anyway because of that fear about her withholding access to children who clearly really need you in their lives.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

You say you're afraid to report because she'll stop you seeing the DGC. Aren't you more afraid that one of these Neanderthals (apologies to Neanderthals) will physically harm, or even kill, them or your DD?

OK, who is more important here, you or the DGC? Because it sounds to me as if you're putting YOU seeing the DGC ahead of DGC themselves. If you report her and tell the whole unvarnished truth it's quite possible that she and the DGC will get the help they need. If it is decided that she is not fit to have them, then I'd assume the first place SS will look for placement is with family, and I assume that would be you. At the very least she will be on their radar. And if she gets angry with you and 'bans you', at least you will have done what is right for your DGC. And I'm sure any ban won't last all that long. Your DD needs you too much.

Yup! I’m also autistic (and have ADHD) and have only had abusive relationships. My psychiatrist was not surprised.

Unpopular opinion, but I think she should stay away from men, especially if her children are very young and also vulnerable.

Sorry I know it's not useful at all, but like over posters, it appears that men are taking advantage of her vulnerability

If you tell social services they will do something. I was reading your OP thinking at what point will you get those children and refuse to give them back?? I'm a social worker and this is as bad as it gets. This is care proceedings, removal and permanently living with grandparents level. Do not think you can keep this from the authorities - if you do then you are complicit in the abuse they are living with. Three abusive men one after the other - appalling that they are still there.

Abduct? It's not threatening to abduct the children if they are living in hell and their parent can't protect them. Think of the children before you project too far. OP is the best place for those children right now.

What have you to lose if you told SS the truth. She can’t stop you from seeing dgc if they have been removed from her.

You’ve already said you feared one of them had killed her and the children. Now is not the time to worry about whether she’ll try and stop you seeing the children, now is the time to worry about the damage that is being done to those children and the possibility that one day they’ll be killed. You must tell social services all you know. She and your wider family have been unable to keep the children safe and they will have already been damaged beyond belief by what they’ve seen and heard. Social services can hopefully ensure their safety and make sure the children get any support they need to heal and to try and reduce any long term damage. Your daughter should also be offered support to try and make her a more protective parent.

This.

i hope she presses charges against this last bloke. Poor woman. Poor poor kids. I feel so sorry for them , seeing all this horror.

I notice you mention a lot that she will stop you seeing the children if you don’t comply with what she wants. It seems to me that this is a priority of yours. Personally, I would be involving social services and the police every single time I felt they were in danger. I would be a pest.

i don’t think your threatening to take the kids off her helped at all. Perhaps that’s why she only called you when the situation got really bad.

So what if she loses the children?

SHE CANNOT KEEP THEM SAFE!

As a former teacher you KNOW you have a duty to report what's been going on. It's unlikely that if the children are removed that they would be placed outside the family if there are relatives able to take them in. You know all this, yet still have returned those kids to a violent and abusive household time after time after time.

Yes she’s vulnerable and yes it’s horrible, but social care still need to know the truth. These children are being traumatised repeatedly and their mother needs support to stop making the same choices. Next time it could be one of them who is punched in the face or worse.

Are the children showing signs of autism too or are they too young?. She might need support from children's services at that point as well.

as an autistic person shes is not able to recognise red flags, and her self confidence is now 0, shes born worn down to point of of having no self belief. The best thing you can do is be there for her and work on building her self confidence up. Let her know she is a good mum, the shame is not hers to carry its the abusive men.

“She isn’t subjecting her kids to violent men. You’re literally blaming her for being a victim of DV.”

I mean, the reality of the situation is that she is subjecting her children to violent men.

I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this but above all I am sorry for the children. As a teacher you KNOW that you ought to have informed both Children’s’ Services and the police on at least several of these occasions.

Ah at last someone brave enough to tell the truth. "Its not her fault" "she's not responsible for this" Sorry but she needs to take some responsibility for her actions.
Where is she meeting all these abusive men?
She must be inviting them into her home. Social services need to be told the full extent of what is going on. They are not being adequately safeguarded. Perhaps the threat of any future babies being taken into care may concentrate her mind and get herself sterilised.
I'll get my coat

@Cheese55

DGD is diagnosed autism

DGS, who has told me quite a bit of his treatment at the hands of this scum bag, is more obviously autistic but not diagnosed. When I've confronted the abuser he's laughed and smiled and said DGS is exaggerating and then I think further indoctrinated not to tell me anything.

DGS has epilepsy and global delay and possibly other issues - he can talk as such but it's unclear what he's saying no one understands him - he was very changed and subdued by it all.

DD stopped talking to us throughout this relationship because she knew our feelings about this piece of work. She continued to use us for childcare but stopped visiting our home.

she had an immaculate home before this relationship which became a midden. The house and garden were shocking - she wouldn't allow us past the front door.

she now smokes and drinks which she didn't before.

whichever hobbies 'partner's' have had she's thrown herself into - think cycling, gaming, football.

this one took her savings - there was no food in the house while he was there, she stopped cooking and lived off takeaways.

I know I facilitated this - I am really struggling to reconcile all that has gone on and very aware of this pattern of behaviour. I must say that it has occurred over the past 11 years - one PP has made it all feel more chaotic and perhaps they are right.

dd and I have had many conversations about relationships, red flags, etc. she now won't discuss it at all. We were close before this latest relationship but she distanced herself from us and sadly i don't think we'll get that closeness back - she's told me in no uncertain terms to not contact the professionals - or else. H agrees with this which has forced me in between a rock and a hard place.

h doesn't know the half of it - it's much worse than I've described.

h would not want DGC with us permanently - the boys' behaviours can be challenging - which I knew scumbag would not tolerate.

I would have them instantly - they don't deserve this. They appear much more like their old selves, to have bounced back - but I'll never be able to see the damage he caused to them as it's not physical. Whilst my daughters's face remains swollen and huge two weeks on.

If you contact childrens services and they feel she can't protect them, a lot will happen before this stage though, they will come to you first to look after the children as the only protector the children know. Make plans for this, your h is going to have to come to terms with it

I couldn't agree more. It's not like it's a one off.

You can only sanitise he punched her so hard he broke her cheekbone so much. I suspect social services and the police know she is minimising as much as she can. It sounds like he has potentially damaged her vision? Does she need an operation to fix the bone?

These men are preying on her because she is the perfect victim, shes clearly very vunerable. However she is exposing her children to this, and there comes a point when you have to protect the DGC first. It doesn't sound like shes particularly capable of that, I would contact social services and let them know your version. They have just witnessed their mother get seriously assaulted by essentially a strange violent man who presumably theyve had to live with for 6 months.

You dd is not capable of protecting your dgc. You have to step in. No ifs, no maybes. You must.

She isn’t choosing them, they are choosing her. They see a weakness/vulnerability in her that they can exploit.

Your daughter needs less I told you so’s and more support. Suggest womens aid and the freedom programme

on a practical level can support be given for access to be restricted to the fathers, non molestation orders etc. keeping your daughter & GC safe is what matters right now.

You need to understand that if children’s services become aware that you have not taken steps to report this ongoing abuse (11 years from different partners??) then YOU will not be seen as a protective factor in their lives and they will not be placed with you. You need to be more proactive and reactive. Sorry.

Edited to add this is for the OP

I think you need to step away. If you think the children are in danger then report her to social services. If you think she is in danger contact the police. No point in appealing to her. She isn't going to listen. That would be my take. I think the childrdn need to be put first in this dreadful situation.

However I agree with others that counselling would be worth trying as all else seems to be failing.