Trigger warning - domestic violence - don't say I told you so ...

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

My older DD is autistic which is relevant to social and trust issues.

she has now had three relationships. The first with a controlling violent subhuman - had to pick her up, 20wks pregnant, when he kicked her down the stairs.

Second - fantasist subhuman. Two DS born in the same year.

birth control does not work - each pregnancy has begun despite her using different methods.

third - a violent subhuman who has been in jail twice for beating up his girlfriends. He told her he'd changed - I know.

she put herself and her children in danger knowingly - she didn't want to hear what I was saying.

I told her I would have have to wait to pick up the pieces.

and here I am ...

less than six months after he wormed his grubby way in

i was expecting her to drop the DGC off on her way to work. They didn't arrive at the usual time and my first thought was that she and the DGC had been murdered - I know

i was ringing her phone - straight to voicemail

I was ringing DGD phone - straight to voicemail

I daren't go round to the house

i asked H to go round, he was spooked so started to get ready to go out and I got a reply from DD - not at work today mum. Forgot to tell you.

I messaged back but got no reply. I messaged DGD - no reply.

that night I got a message - mum I need you now the children are safe don't worry please come now

I felt sick and would have normally gone straight away but I was doing my therapy which takes 30 min and cannot be stopped once commenced. So H rang our son and they both went to her house.

the abuser had punched my daughter in the face so hard that her cheek was broken and her eye is damaged - she describes seeing wet cobwebs in her vision. This had happened five days previously to her telling me.

she had been telling him to leave for a month and he'd been telling her that she didn't mean it.

she rang his father to come and pick him up and he hit her, the children saw it. She ran out of her house with the children because he then punched her in the stomach.

when I eventually got to her house that night she said 'don't say I told you so mum'

why does she choose these monsters?

why do men hit women? - genuine question - especially to the men on here

she's told police, who called social services, a slightly sanitised version of events and doesn't want me to ring them and give them my version of events.

I feel she holds me to ransom because I know she can stop me from seeing the children - I have looked after them since their births - I take them to school/pick them up, we have weekly sleepovers, we take them on holiday.

who and how do I approach the subject of appropriate partners in order to help her? If I 'go behind her back' she will punish me. She's never had a 'nice' one. The first one she brought to our house (unexpectedly) was much older than her and had no front teeth top and bottom - and it just got got worse from there.

I feel that all I can do is carry on and watch her car crash life - it's an absolute waking nightmare

@alexdgr8

yes - h is still a changed person. Overreacting to what never bothered him before - we've been married 39 years. He is DD's father, we have an older son and younger daughter also.

DD lived with her first 'partner' for less than six months - he lived off her money and kept her short - she couldn't afford to buy herself anything. He kicked her down the stairs when she was pregnant and she never saw him again. Number two lived with her for a year - she
had to get H to get him out after he threatened to kick the baby out of her (her 2nd one with him within a year). Number three moved in around Easter this year and her 4 bedroom new build house which she owns turned from a pristine show house into a dirty mess. She stopped ironing the children's
clothes, stopped bathing them every evening, didn't make sure they cleaned their teeth - they looked shabby by her previous standards. They lived on takeaways and no longer had a 'treat cupboard' where they were allowed to get snacks with her permission.

in the last 11 years she has lived with a man for a total of less than 2 years. She has been on her own much longer than she has been with a partner

because I knew number three from primary school I told her that I would be saying I told you so when she split with him. She insisted that he had had a good job for 10 years and he had completely changed and that his abusive behaviour had happened when he was a teenager and was extremely drunk.

she had decided she wanted him to leave in June and he wouldn't - she hadn't told anyone this. She had dropped every friend and all her family before she moved him in - she had been seeing him another six months previously to moving in. We did not know this.

i know neighbours, friends and her work have all given statements to police and social services. I have not been contacted by either.

I could not leave immediately when she asked to see me as I have had spinal surgery recently, my therapy sessions last 30 min and I cannot turn this session off. I am still in considerable pain and discomfort - H has been quite remarkable in looking after me which I wasn't really expecting as his personality has changed to one where he is very argumentative, likes to be centre of attention, and spends money like there is no tomorrow which is the exact opposite of who he was before his huge surgery (he most recently got a tattoo on the back of his hand, then went and had another on the other hand - so out of character).

so there isn't a revolving door of salivating abusers lining up to molest my daughter and her children. She swears that she will never have another man in her life never mind her house.

she falls for men hard when they show the slightest interest and takes up their lifestyles immediately

number three is on remand in jail

I believe 3's father gave her money to cover the money she had taken from her when he came to get his son and his belongings away from her home - she will not be seeing him again. Her children have never had contact with their fathers because they don't want to know. She hasn't had a penny off them because they've pleaded poverty.

I've been out all day today shopping for school uniforms and other bits and pieces with my younger daughter.

i told my daughter that i would inform school that her children were a concern in April - she begged me not to because 3rd's sister is a teacher there (i also taught her in primary school).

her friends and neighbours are shocked at what has happened - they are all 'good' again now - her best friend is around with her every evening. I go and check on her each day and message her throughout the day on single and group chats. I invite her to her childhood home daily and ask if I can come to hers - I've been a few evenings to keep her company when she wanted

her house and garden are immaculate again. She refuses to talk about the situation. We talk about general stuff and when I move towards reminding her of how changed her children had become she starts crying and saying I know mum I can't talk about it.

number 3 is mid 30s and was stone cold sober when he smashed her face because she had called his father to
come and get him and his belongings.

H assumed we would be automatically contacted by social services - DD says they have closed her case(?) because they know he won't be allowed back - locks changed, phone changed, she has cctv at the front and back of her house which has been linked to my phone with an app and he is scared of H.

I am hoping he goes to prison

I will call social services on Monday - when I ring that place (same building) to find out what stage DGS's EHCP is at I never actually get to speak to a person, and never get my calls returned.

When I told DD that I would take the children off her and I 'abducted' them and took them back home with me 🙄 I had said that if she pulled another all day bed fest and neglected to feed her children when they had asked for food I would inform social services of my concerns and they would investigate - find out his past and take her children away from her until she got rid of him. This point in time coincides with her decision to tell him to leave (according to her she was telling him to leave for more than a month) - which he refused to do and was telling her that she didn't mean what she was saying

if she had told her father she wanted him to leave her home he would have gone around immediately and ragged him out along with his belongings

but she didn't tell anyone - she wanted to attempt to make right her own mess

i will never know what happened in that house from Easter until two weeks ago because DD is too afraid to tell anyone - I know garbled snippets from what the boys have told me. DGD is looking like she's been told under no circumstances does she say anything to anyone.

according to DGD, social services got them (her and her two brothers) to draw pictures describing what had happened and how they felt - according to DD there will be no further involvement The young social worker was more concerned that he couldn't understand a word the youngest was saying and that he couldn't read, write or draw - DD has been awaiting a social service assessment for a safe bed for her youngest for at least two years. He can often be found on top of the kitchen cupboards eating at all hours of the night. He does not sleep despite medication to help with sleep - he has no awareness of danger. DD is always exhausted from being up during the night with him, he has most seizures at night, and working during the day. I have them once a week so she can sleep undisturbed. I have offered to have them more but she's happy with once a week. We take them on holidays with us. Before number three, there wasn't a weekend that she wasn't taking them somewhere for days out and treats - obviously stopped when he moved in.

I wish she wasn't so trusting ...

but I have always known she's tacit in her truth - has blatantly lied to my face since primary school, mostly small stuff and then the gargantuan bits

My daughter has the same issues with birth control nothing works. So she has a coil fitted. It really is the only thing that she can do to ensure this doesn't happen again

@Maddy70
her coil was lost, fell out, went wandering ...

tablets, injections, implants - all sequestered by BAM treatment

I don't know. It's depressing, but it's like asking why does evil exist in this world? It's an existential question. I'm so sorry this is happening to your, your DD and DGS OP. I hope you find the answers you need.

she falls for men hard when they show the slightest interest and takes up their lifestyles immediately

Yup. You could have written the same about me. The mimicry of the men is a form of masking. The falling hard is because we feel unlovable. The long gaps between relationships is because we find it hard to meet people.

There doesn't have to be a queue of men. They spot us and throw us some crumbs and we fall hard.

but she didn't tell anyone - she wanted to attempt to make right her own mess

Yup, this too. Autistic women often don't feel like we can ask for help. I think it's part of a PDA/ODD profile.

Threatening her with abducting her kids (and yes, it is abduction to take children without lawful authority) will only make her do that more.

So, the violent abuser is gone and the kids are safe.

Your DD needs to go to hospital to have her face X-rayed. It should not still be swollen. And she needs to take the Freedom Programme and internalise the belief that it is better to be alone than with an abusive man.

I'm surprised that she lies. It's something I really struggle with.

She needs to get a tubal ligation if at all possible; she already has at least 3 (?) kids, and doesn't need to risk bringing any more into the world to be traumatised within the next abusive relationship she inevitably has.

Hopefully there will be a long enough gap between boyfriends that by the time she latches onto the next one, the children will be old enough to choose to leave the house of their own accord/tell the full story to social services.

It's unlikely that the doctors will agree to sterilisation because of her mental health history, too high a risk of regret§, plus the grim spectre of eugenics makes doctors cagey about permanently stopping disabled people from having kids.

§ I'd argue that it's far better to regret being sterilised than to regret having (more) kids, but my GP doesn't agree, so I've spent over twenty years on various contraceptives. 🙄

It depends – with the fact that she already has three kids, that every single one has been a contraceptive failure (including with an IUD), and that at least one is high needs, I think it'd be possible a doctor would agree tubal ligation is the best move. Especially as it doesn't prevent future pregnancies using IVF, afaik.

But it would probably be something she'd really have to push for, and shop around for (I know some communities on reddit can be helpful for finding doctors who will agree to it), so I imagine it's unlikely she'll actually do it, and instead another child will be brought into this.

I agree, it's incredibly frustrating the way doctors behave so controllingly towards women.

Statistically women with disabilities have a far higher rates of violence and more severe forms of violence than other women. Abusers target vulnerable people because they can be easier to manipulate and control.

It sounds like your daughter would benefit from therapy with someone with expertise in autism who can help her identify red flags in people. I would be inclined to call a domestic violence helpline - they understand the unique challenges for women with disabilities, it’s a very big area in the field. They will be able to help you with guidance on how best to support your daughter. One thing that all domestic violence experts will tell you in the best way to help the children in these situations is to remain a source of support for their mother, which it sounds like you are doing. But it does sound like she needs specialised therapy to help her identify toxic people, which is much harder for people with autism. The live bombing strategies that most abusers use in the beginning are much harder for autistic people to see through.

Especially as it doesn't prevent future pregnancies using IVF, afaik.

Yes, but coils and abortions are cheap for the NHS, whilst IVF is expensive.

That's true. Regardless, I think tubal ligation is something that the OP should suggest at some point, once things have settled down. It would be worth at least looking into.

Sometimes I think we should focus our energy on asking why so many men are abusive rather then criticising the women who haven't been able to recognise them and get rid of them. Why are there so many men that are bad that women have to tread carefully through life to avoid being abused by one of them

When the focus is protecting children we need to ask both questions

@selffellatingouroborosofhate

dd is the best liar Ive ever known - I can spot when other family members do it but she is without 'tells'. It's as if everything she says is her version of truth, she genuinely believes whatever rubbish falls out of her mouth - if she says it, it must be true. Similar to when she makes up what she thinks is a joke - if she says it, it must be funny. She doesn't understand why no one else thinks it's funny. While most everyone else's joke go completely over her head.

she once told a whopper in high school and it was investigated by head of house who, on speaking to us, could not believe how cool and composed she'd been throughout this investigation. Head of house must have been disappointed in her own failure to detect BS.

Unfortunately you can not fix every angry aggressive man. And a woman who repeatedly picks aggressive partners and moves them into their children's home, keeps them under the same roof when it becomes obvious these men are a danger has some accountability for failing to safeguard her children.

1 big cause of men who end up domestic abusers are ones who have lived under the roof of a domestic abuser through child hood. Many start with thinking i would never do that, then they get in a relationship as an adult and it is ingrained into them that that is how to act when they are frustrated or feel that lack of control. To cut it off at the cause, then mothers need to play their part to keep their kids away from danger, or get them away from danger soon as it presents itself. A 1 off 1st angry man under her roof could be unexpected and could happen to anyone, but happening for a 2nd and then 3rd man and it just looks like the mother is not learning any lessons on what to look out for and will continually put her kids in danger

I understand and agree with all of that but there are just sooo many of them that there should be some kind of urgent strategy to address this. Except there isn't...wondering if this is deliberate.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/freedom-from-violence-and-abuse-a-cross-government-strategy

It is worrying and I worry the problem is only going to get worse. In the past these behaviours would have been learnt from real life scenarios in childhood, where the man of the house thought a real man is an agreesive controlling man. Now with the incel nonsense and violent porn being easily accessed, I fear more and more men will have their brain warped from external influences. The government should really be recognising the problem and working with kids at school to be educating on healthy relationships. But even then, these other influences will have more clout than what a teacher says.

Women need to be educated on the warning signs that present themselves at an early stage in domestic abuse. I was a victim once myself, left at the 1st actual agreesive incidence, took a long time to date again. Now I spot any sign of danger and get rid straight away, as I know where the type of thoughts could lead. Just anything that was simular to the things that the agressive man said that felt a bit off before finding out he was vilolent. Maybe I have binned off 1 or 2 that was not actually bad people, read too much into a comment made, but not taking that risk. Someone without previous with a man like that may not pick up on these early red flags. These flags need to taught to girls at an early stage too, just education all around is needed, with both sexes, while the kids are still young enough not to get into bad patterns of behaviour or get use to tolerating shit behaviour

Condoms and implant tubes tied

call social services the next man will kill them all

Can she have uninterruptible therapy ?