DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

I understand your position- but late 30's is too young to be in a sexless marriage, from your husband's point of view. You can't really expect to stay married under these circumstances, talk to him , but you never wanting sex is going to be problematic.
You or he won't cheat, you say, therefore you either have to work it through, and work on some of your problems with sex, or let him go.

Jeez, how many times do i have to say that our relationship isn't going to end!
He loves me and our children too much to split up our family over it, but I do agree that if his unhappiness and resentment increase over time and there is continuous lack of intimacy, then it would make the relationship toxic.

Separation is not something we would want, we just need to find a way to change things to move forward more happily.

Hi sex is not trivial at all, it is a deep connection and spending time together, why not start showering together doing intimate things together obviously when you feel ready after your baby. But you need to make time for one another. It is hard been a mum. Also your sex drive will return. Yes he needs the snip tho xx

This. I don't think wanting sex is something many people 'grow out of', I'm late 40s and I certainly wouldn't stay with someone who no longer wanted sex. It doesn't mean you're wrong for not wanting it, just not compatible with your DH.

Yes but it will if you never have sex again, unfortunately thats what happens you cant expect him to change he is entitled to want intimacy.

Be careful op. You're husband could be a totally great stand up guy and still cheat. If someone is feeling lonely and sexually frustrated in their relationship, and someone comes along who boosts their self esteem, makes them feel attractive again and makes it clear they'd want a physical relationship with them, even the most moral of us can be tempted. I'd say maybe you need some therapy either alone or together.

God I can’t believe some of the misogynistic bullying posts here. ‘He’ll have an affair and it’ll be justified.” “You’re forcing him to be celibate” “you need fixing”… etc etc.

Ffs. God forbid a post partum mother with 3 kids isn’t prioritising the sexual servicing of her husband right now. 🙄

Op if he’s decent, he’ll wait. Just keep communicating and letting him know he’s loved and appreciated.

Oh just fuck him.
You might actually enjoy it.

Regardless of the sex issue you have no idea if the relationship with last forever, people and relationships change, it can happen to anyone, including you

You mean for you it’s not a possibility

you can’t possibly know what your husband is really thinking. unless your a mind reader .

you had sex got pregnant pretty much straight away - did you have any sex or intimacy after getting pregnant or was it you done your job darling now leave me alone

he’s already said he is unhappy with the lack of sex and I don’t blame him
He is telling you loud and clear he isn’t happy with the lack of sex

you just not listening to him and you probably think because you have 3 kids he isn’t going anywhere

and I agree he won’t leave right now ,
but he may very well have an affair which leads to a whole lot of shit

Yes because even vasectomies are not 100%.
The only 100% is a hysterectomy or no sex.

We would likely just be stuck unhappy to be honest, at least til the kids grew up, but obviously that isn't ok.

I'm definitely not saying 'no sex again' by any means, however for quite afew years now I will admit its been more for him than me.It isn't that he's a selfish lover or doesn't have skills etc though.

Because for many people (eg your husband) sex is a massive part of their marriage.

God you're delusional if you think your relationship isn't going to end.

You are in your 30's and you have decided you couldn't care less if you never have sex again.

This isn't fair on your husband. How are you going to feel when he meets someone else because he will be off with the first woman who shows him some attention of you keep rejecting him.

You can talk about it all you like but a sexless marriage isn't what either of you signed up for.

X

I think you're very naive if you don't think this is a huge deal for him. I've seen countless threads on here exactly like this where women are saying everyone was great apart from the sex and he's leaving over that!! It's almost like because it's kota important to you, you can understand it being so important to him.

My advice would be to tell him what you said in the last part of this post. Don't do it in response to him being moody, or after turning down sex. Demonstrate to him that this is something which you are actively thinking about in your own time, and that you are going to look for ways to improve it.

It will mean a lot to him that you are not just saying it to placate him when he is feeling down about it.

Then actually act on it. You need to rebuild intimacy, and he needs to be patient. It will be massively easier for him to be patient and hopeful and not spiral into sadness and resentment if he knows that you are actively working on it.

Find a way to make individual or couples therapy work, or listen to podcasts about it together, or just chat about it (and it really helps if you are the one to initiate those chats).

Basically, show him that you care and that you will try to work on this.

Otherwise I absolutely share the pessimism that many others have for the future of you marriage. This will get worse, not better, unless you act.

This is difficult. You're too young to not have sex as is he. I was the same when my kids were younger but it was because my life was just about pleasing the kids and my husband. I felt like Cinderella at times. I think if my husband had fully shared the load I would have fancied him more but the lack of support just turned me off and I couldn't be bothered with sex. We eventually split and I'm with someone new where I really appreciate the importance of the closeness we get from sex. I think you need to think about why you have no sex drive and if your husband isn't being supportive with the home or kids this could be having an impact.

I feel like this is two separate issues: one, him pestering you while you've got a 10 week old (which is not okay), and two, that you have a very negative and dismissive view on sex and its importance in relationships. If I were you, the first issue would put me off him permanently. If I were him, the second issue would make me ask for a divorce if you weren't interested in working on it.

I think you're delusional. Absolutely don't have sex unless you really want to, but don't expect your DH to stay in a sexless relationship.

I’m sorry you are getting s bit of a hard time OP. I have a very low sex drive and our caused problems in my marriage but we have a bit of an understanding now. We kind of schedule sex in and then I can prepare myself and DTD but the rest of the time we can cuddle up and kiss etc but I know it won’t lead to sex. It’s not ideal and he would still want more sex and me to be more spontaneous so we make it work. I hope you can find a way around the issue x

This issue comes up again and again on mumsnet, and no-one seems to have the answer.
Sex is such an intimate act that even the thought of doing it when you don't feel randy is grim.
And women can I think genuinely love their partners whilst not wanting to have sex with them.
If there were a simple answer then someone here would have come up with it by now.
I would only say that the basic prerequisite for finding a way forward is communication.

Jeez, how many times do i have to say that our relationship isn't going to end!
He loves me and our children too much to split up our family over it

Because many women on this thread thought the same before their marriage blew up unexpectedly. It does happen.
You're making yourself unhappy by hating the body you are in. Therapy for yourself and then couples therapy.

Oh dear. I think uouve gone down the he’d never cheat but this is a man who wants sex, and uou simply do not. Whatever he tells you, of course if he met a woman who was interested in him he would cheat , it’s really naive to beleive he would become celibate as he loves you so much, and it’s not about his love for the children, you need to separate the two.

but you can’t force yourself to have sex with him. No decent person wants to shag someone who is only doing it out of duty and feels it’s a chore

you keep calling it this one issue. But this is the number one issue that breaks couples apart. Sex. Sex with someone else. No sex at home. Feeling unloved and undesirable,rejection. It’s not fighting about who takes the bins out,

thinking that if he meets a woman who is attracted to him and him her, he’d decline to pursue sex as he loves you so much is a big mistake, he will be naked and in her bed before you can blink and pursuing a romantic relationship

he will not see this as not loving his kids, he will see it as his wife doesn’t wish to have sex with him so he is entitled to go elsewhere.

I'm sure my DH would say the same, but after 13 years without sex or intimacy I'm ready to go and wish I had done it years ago. I don't think men are so patient.

And while of course right now you are postpartum and absolutely in your rights to say no to him, you need to think about what's going to happen in a year's time because you need to get over this mindset, and look to being sexual again.

I've posted this before, but a good friend of mine married a gay man precisely because she didn't want sex but wanted to be married, do the traditional married couple thing. They have a great marriage and she has a good life. She just doesn't have sex and might still be a virgin. We suspect that he has gay affairs on the side as he does mentor younger male artists (he's a dealer) that he becomes very interested in. He's very discrete though and seems to love having a wife. They've made it work for them.