DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

Alot of posters are essentially emotionally blackmailing OP on behalf of her husband. I'm sure she knows her husband better than you do. And telling a woman with three young kids including a newborn that she better give her husband sex or he'll cheat on her is seriously cruel and if he's a decent bloke he'd probably feel uncomfortable about that.

OP I really think focusing on trying to make sex more enjoyable and comfortable for you is the best approach. He needs to take the pressure off and understand that whining and begging for sex is the biggest turn off in the world.

Because sex is a part of a healthy marriage for your husband and it's important to him.

You don't like sex from the sounds of it and would happily not have it again. You would be happy in a no sex marriage. He would be unhappy because he enjoys sex and it's part of how he emotionally connects. There's no resolution that works for both of you and resentment will grow for both of you and the emotional connection will wither for both of you.

@ChitterChatter1987 What you are describing is platonic cohabitating partners - whereas what he is asking for is a romantic relationship. These two marital models are not compatible. No one is in the wrong - you are just fundamentally incompatible.

It hasn't worked out between you. Let him try with someone else. Perhaps start with an open relationship so that the home life isn't impacted by a sudden breakup and you can have a chance to get your finances sorted.

Once he finds someone and begins to progress beyond the initial purely physical relationship stage, let him go without animosity and focus on cementing a healthy co-parenting relationship. He has been a great father and will continue to be as a co-parent. You may both end up far happier as a result of this, which would be a heartwarming result for a marriage in turmoil.

Jeez, how many times do we have to say that you are deluding yourself in exactly the same way that many others have deluded themselves?

Split or discuss him getting it elsewhere. What other option is there? Forcing him to ignore his sex drive? That's unreasonable when there are alternatives.

So basically you DO agree she should make the effort to have sex with him.

And it’s not all about sex, it’s about intimacy, relationships often don’t last long term without any, that isn’t blackmail, it’s life

You don’t know that for sure

"But why should sex determine the outcome of the whole relationship?!
It seems so trivial and shallow"

You really fail to appreciate how many men operate and feel. Over time it's very likely to build resentment, a shorter temper, eventually falling into something like resignation and indifference.

Try the first 90 seconds of this ad: .
Last 30 seconds is an advert for their app.

No, they’re not. They’re saying most men in their 30s would not be prepared to remain in a sexless marriage. Would you dispute that fact?

It’s extremely naive fo say he would never have an affair.

I think you’re heading for disaster here because you’re think sex is trivial. It really really isn’t for the majority of married couples.

I split up with the father of my children because there was no intimacy and we only had sex a couple of times a year.

It was fine for him not to be interested in that side of things of course, but I wanted more than a housemate. He didn't take the separation very well but we're good friends now. I didn't think it was fair to have a sexless marriage anymore than I think it would have been fair to try force him to be more intimate.

Some people just aren't a good match in a romantic sense.

Ahh this has disaster written all over it.

Neither of you are wrong, you just have different expectations that have shifted over time.

Staying in a sex less marriage when you want sex doesn't work. He will (eventually) find it elsewhere. Possibly through porn if you're lucky, or someone else if not so lucky. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad at all. It's the reality of human relationships, no sex from 35 upwards is a shit life if you want sex.

You're not wrong to not want sex with a 10 week old baby either.

How often do you cuddle,hold hands, kiss etc?

I can actually imagine loads of women who would enjoy that set up.

OP your baby is 10 weeks. He’s being ridiculous.

Did you miss the part where OP mentions she grew out of sex long ago, and finds the very idea gross?

You obviously have very different sex drives . He sounds rather over bearing and dare I say bullish, but that's men when they don't get it. A very difficult situation, but as the man he has to at least cover it up or ideally snip if he expects you to DTD . I think you probably should try counselling if talking to him doesn't work. Good luck x

Thankyou for actually getting it! However it seems i can say 'he won't cheat' til i'm blue in the face on here but I will be wasting my breath as many won't believe it.I'm guessing the majority of posters saying that on here haven't met a decent man before, as they seem to think they are all automatically capable of being unfaithful, which is a shame as that isn't the case.

Ultimately, I know our relationship in general has a strong foundation, and that we both intend to be together for life.I am bafffled by the disposable attitude society seems to have to relationships nowadays- the slightest hitch and it is suggested people should just split up rather than work things out together.

I get this issue is a big deal for DH though, in that it would impact his long term happiness in the relationship if he doesn't have sex.I am not dismissing that, hence me wanting to work at things.

To be honest, the fact that I DO feel so secure in the knowledge that after 13 years together i know I can 100% trust him to be faithful, and that we love each other deeply underneath, is likely part of what is making me less fussed by sex than i was in other shorter more turbulent relationships I had before him.I don't feel like I have to give him it to keep him loving me, which in a way is a positive thing, but i guess it has gone too much the other way now.

@ChitterChatter1987 honestly I think you are a bit delusional ( with kindness). Your husband will eventually cheat if neglected like you intend to. You seem overly secure, he’s telling you he feels unhappy and you need to listen to him!

And telling a woman with three young kids including a newborn that she better give her husband sex or he'll cheat on her is seriously cruel and if he's a decent bloke he'd probably feel uncomfortable about that.

And as many of us keep pointing out, this is clearly a problem much deeper than three young kids and a newborn.

I mean, to be fair, he might not cheat, he might just leave her.

It's perfectly possible he won't cheat. Lots of people won't, no matter how badly their partner damages them. But that's not the problem.

The problem is that you think about your sex life as "giving him it", you resent his need for it, you think sex itself is gross, and you don't see the glaring problem with that.

You're actually supposed to want to have sex with your partner. Him wanting his partner to want him is a normal and fundamental part of a relationship for the vast majority of people who haven't aged out of it.

From what you've described, personally, I think he probably won't cheat on you.

He will just get smaller, increasingly depressed, increasingly insecure, and increasingly pained, right up until the moment he leaves you.

Or maybe, he might just stay and put up with it but not be completely happy....
Not everyone splits up or cheats when these sort of issues occur.He has always wanted more sex than i've wanted to give ,so our sex drives have never been 100% compatible to be honest, yet after 13 years we are still together and we get on well and are happy in many other ways.
However as I love him, of course i would like him to be as happy as possible in our relationship going forwards, and for us to find a solution to make that happen.

Maybe so, maybe not. Hopefully this thread has woken you up a bit.

i feel sorry for him, having no or very little sex from 30s onwards is no life for one partners who wants it

he’ll probably break up with you

cant say i blame him

As someone said upthread, you need to listen to the Mating in Captivity podcast by Esther Perel. She covers situations like this. Turning someone down constantly impacts their self esteem. Yes yes time and a place to ask but this seems to have been going on for a while for you.

i am as sure as you that my husband won’t cheat (three kids, together 10 years) but I’m also not naive.