DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

That's why I used the word 'may'

You’re 10 weeks post partum at the moment? That’s still quite early days, especially when you’re breastfeeding. He should understand that you need space at the moment.
I think you should see how you’re feeling in a few months time, and reassess then.

Your baby is still very young. Speaking as someone with kids who are now young adults and out the other side, I can honestly say that I never thought I’d want sex again. I also never had a particularly high sex drive either. But now my kids are at university I do want sex again and over the years it’s gradually returned to normal. We went though some very long dry spells but my husband was patient.

things this helped me: firslty we didn’t have sex until each baby was 6 months old. Can’t imagine wanting it earlier. Set his expectations. Ask him to back off until then. Not for everyone but we took showers together. Not for sex but for physical intimacy (and I would give him a hand job). It’s quick, not messy and you have to get naked to have a shower anyway so it doesn’t feel so exposing.

also not for everyone (but still works for us now!) is scheduled sex. I am much more willing if I know when I have to shift modes and I can mentally get myself in the mood knowing it is going to happen. I am sure my husband would prefer more sponteneity but he he happy to be having sex and loves me enough to work with me on my needs as well as his!

dont split up over this if everything else is OK. Bringing up children is a strain on a relationship but you can get through it!

A healthy sex life is part of a relationship. If he can’t get that element fulfilled by you is he allowed to seek it elsewhere? It’s a bit cruel to expect him to be celibate just because you cant be bothered with the „faff“.

You’re only 10 weeks post partum so completely normal not to want sex.

Frankly he needs to have a wank and get over it for now.

HOWEVER. What are you going to do long term OP? Sex is really important to some people. Being constantly rejected over a period of time can wear away at self esteem and create huge amounts of resentment. Sex is not “shallow” as you’ve mentioned. Not to some people anyway. Down the road, you’re going to have to come to a compromise of some sort.

I see you posted something similar in 2025. Sounds like if you want to stay married, therapy may be needed either as a couple or individually

I’m sorry but ultimately your marriage is going to end .. you are absolutely entitled to not want to have sex with your husband or ever again for that matter with anyone that’s fine but you cannot expect your husband to share the same feelings when he clearly wants an intimate relationship with his wife and you absolutely cannot expect him to give that up for anyone, even you.

You are only 10 weeks post-partum so I am not surprised at all that sex is the last thing on your mind but it seems the issue started before that and is not just normal feelings after you have a baby which is where the problem lies.

Would you be willing to open the marrriage, where he can have sex with others.

as as much as he shouldn’t wheedle. He can’t expect you to have sex if you don’t wish and you can’t expect him to be celibate

so there are two options, split or open the marriage,

It started before the baby and she’s clear she’d happily go with out permanently if she could,

You aren’t compatible.

You got the children you wanted and now he’s an inconvenience.

It’s fine not to want sex but don’t force him to get a vasectomy he doesn’t want only to keep refusing sex afterwards.

Let him go to be with someone who wants him and you find someone with a very low or no sex drive.

Before the vipers come at me, yes I know she’s had a baby but I was having sex again after two weeks.

I think the way this post is going is simply indicative of how women treat each other on here now. OP is 10 weeks PP, breastfeeding, with 2 other small children. How is the DH sharing the load? Let's look at that first. And yes they may need relationship counselling at a later date but not with a newborn FFS, what OP is experiencing post partum IS entirely normal.

And as for @MoveAwaySausage with her doing after 2 weeks boast ...

@ChitterChatter1987 you mention a night away and having sex. How was it? Did you feel less tense and more relaxed?
it’s good you are being self aware and agreeing there has been a shift in your sex drive. But long term you need to sit down with your husband and agree something that works for both of you.
Do not open your marriage up, it sounds like you love your husband and value your lived together. Letting him get sex else where may mean he meets someone, falls in love and your marriage ends.

I'm not cold i just don't want sex!

Hmmm ..... I can see why he might regard you as sexually cold because that is the message he is receiving so I don't think you should be surprised by that.

But this is not a post partum problem is it? It is far more longstanding than that and is a basic incompatibility which needs sorting.

You two need a fundamental conversation about how you both see your sexual relationship in the future and how you might deal with secure contraception.

Whilst you see sex as a trivial and minor part of your marriage, he does not. Neither is wrong; but being so far apart on this matter is not trivial.

You don’t sound compatible, you’ve obviously gone off him. Not even wanting to cuddle without wearing a bra is friends rather than partners.

But why should sex determine the outcome of the whole relationship?! It seems so trivial and shallow- we have built 13 years of life together which has in many ways been happy and successful.

This comment does kind of speak volumes. If you don't want sex you of course shouldn't force yourself too have it. But physical intimacy and sex are a necessity for me in a relationship (and I am a woman), and if it was permanently off the table and the person wasn't willing to work at it or even acknowledge how significant a problem it was for our relationship, I wouldn't be willing to stay either. Otherwise it's just at best a deep friendship - not what I'd want from marriage.

That's not to say the problem is all you, it does sound like there are lots of things he could do to facilitate sex (both in terms of day to day support and actually in the bedroom). But taking a stance that it shouldn't matter is going to be a death knell for your relationship.

7 weeks postpartum for me was waaaaay too soon. It was still painful. 10 wks was the same.

But your issue is clearly longer term than this.

If you don't want to have sex, that is completely your call. It sounds like it's your own sex drive than just not being attracted to him.

I am surprised that he might've thought it would be any different after baby number 3, that's another whole childhood of potentially not a good sleeper or coming into your room in the night or whatever. But I also get the impression that having young children isn't the whole reason for you not wanting to or not having the opportunity to have sex.

Before this pregnancy and most recent baby, did you ever have nights away just the two of you?

Do you fancy him in any ways? Are you an asexual person? Or have you just felt like sex isn't all that to you?

I'm in my 40s and I'd be really sad if I knew there was no or slim chance of ever having sex ever again.

I think some couples therapy might be helpful for you both once you're out of that tiny baby phase but I'm just a bit baffled about why you've chosen to grow your family when you're already feeling so physically incompatible.

Did you only have sex because you wanted to get pregnant? Because to me, that feels really sad.

However, I am fuming on your behalf that he's not open to having a vasectomy.

I don't understand, does the whining, begging, emotional blackmail, demanding not turn you on?

I wouldn't recommend the copper coil, it was horrible for me. I think you've done your fair share of fertility related things. If he cared so much he'd get the snip and wear a condom. Because if you get pregnant, it's you going through a termination.

I've seen for alot of people taking sex just off the table for a while to allow for natural intimacy to return. You're feeling an immense amount of pressure that you darent even touch him for fear that hhes then going to expect sex, you're going to turn him down and he's going to sulk.

You have a very young baby, sex is really not the priority. But intimacy is very important. They're not the same thing

You make sex sound like an optional luxury and your DH is greedy and indulgent for wanting it with his wife. That is unreasonable.

The way the OP is talking sounds like she never wants sex again

Without sex your often just housemate with kids & a mortgage
You aren’t compatible sexually and for many men that’s a dealbreaker

I wouldn’t expect him to leave but give it time he will probably have an affair

you will probably limp on for a bit but he will probably jump ship when he realises that this is it for him

OP I would honestly ask for this to be deleted. The tide has turned on here lately away from supporting women, some of these answers are batshit crazy. In the past you'd have just had the humane and balanced responses (along with plenty of ltb of course).

Admittedly I think the issues have been there for many years, have just intensified as time has gone on.
But I agree he could probably change in some ways to make me more open to having sex.

I know right! I was still heavily bleeding 2wks after birth, so that would have been a whole another level of gross! 😆 Plus i'm sure there is NHS guidance that says don't have sex until 6wks after due to infection and allowing time for the area to heal.....

"Mating In Captivity' was an eye opener - the woman has the baby to snuggle, to be close to, to gaze at. Who does your husband have? You say you are touched out, and I get that. But what about him? Who is touching him?

If you cant face sex post partum, what about other things? BJ etc. Seriously, what about helping him orgasm twice a week? Even if not PIV?

He won't stay if you completely turn it off.

My years ago sexless relationship was so sad and soul destroying. Humans are not monsters for wanting closeness and a good fuck.

Are you exhausted from the kids? Does he do his share?

Have you ever looked at someone/anyone and had a physical reaction where you wanted to sleep with them (not just a physiological response to being touched etc). If the answer is no then you might be asexual. It took me a long long time to understand that I was and that it explained some fundamental incompatibilities in previous relationships. No amount of therapy, weekends away or hormones will remedy that and you won't be able to understand each other. It's a very difficult thing to navigate.