DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

Why isn't it OK in a loving relationship for one partner to do something they don't like for the other partner

Where's the joy in sex with someone who doesn't like it?

We used to have sex maybe twice a month. Not a lot by many people standards but DH didn't complain until it dropped to once every two months.
I can see how OP's DH was ok before and not now.

I think those who are asexual or have an extremely low libido (both men and women) should be upfront from the start. Not just have sex to reel someone in and give them the family set up they want, only to show the real side of them afterwards. So many mismatched couples. It would easily be solved if people were honest from the off.

Odds are he’ll go elsewhere. An affair if he’s attractive, paid sex if he isn’t.

@ChitterChatter1987

Hi, you've had a lot of replies. I hope that some things have been helpful.

I wa yes ti mention something else that I found personally helpful.

It may be harder with small kids but not impossible... sex in the daytime as opposed to at night. I find it a lot more appealing. Nighttime has always been hard as DH wants to go to bed a lot earlier than I do. Just a thought.

I have to say, I am very sceptical when I read posts that say "my marriage is perfect- except for sex".

I am in an unhappy sexless marriage. For years, DH would have told you "well we've young kids and we've sort of grown out of the habit, but we're great friends and make a great co-parenting team".

He would say those things - and did say them to me - because the marriage with no sex was what HE wanted. So he was alright. He had a financial partnership, a mortgage paid for largely by me, kids. Stuff he couldn't have on his own. So everything was fine for him.

That was in fact just one sign of his massive selfishness and blindness to me. He probably thinks of himself as a great husband. I have to think of him as taking from me and totally ignoring my needs.

I told him a while back the marriage was done. He was really shocked - "but apart from the sex, we're a great team".

No. Because ignoring someone else's deepest emotions and craving for intimacy means you are NOT on a team with them.

or husbands who announce “ because I happen to have a high sex drive”
when they do not at all, only after 12 years and a divorce did I know how
absurd and self deluding that nonsense was

"reel someone in and give them the family set up they want"

Wtf, is this 1953?

We're talking about women who fall in love, get married with all the best intentions, hopes and dreams, love their husbands etc. But it gradually dawns on them that sex is increasingly unpleasant and even degrading for them. It becomes something to be avoided. Displays of affection bring on unwanted sex so it's a downward spiral. Super common.

You do know plenty of women actually like sex and shock horror, enjoy having sex with their husbands

It’s surprising how many people seem to not fancy their husbands, I feel rejected if I initiate and DH says he’s tired or whatever. Intimacy is a big part of our relationship and helps us to reset when we are feeling a bit disconnected.
i can see from OPs partners point of view and would think something was wrong if my husband didn’t want to have sex with me. It would really hurt me. Call me shallow but I need validation that I am found sexually attractive by my partner to feel secure.
i think it sound ultimately like a compatibility issue but if OP does love him and wants to make a go of it, then maybe some sex therapy is the way to go.
Or at least a weekend away, some fifty shades and a bottle of wine 😂

Of course, and that's great, but that's not what this thread is about.

You say you would never be unfaithful to him. …. But you are in your attitude to him, you are not being his wife. What unhappiness you are causing.

Why are you still in the marriage? It sounds miserable

Ask your husband to have a vasectomy OP. See if he really is the life partner you think he is. Bet that would help you feel more secure and relaxed.
By the way, did he give you orgasms?

Hi! Sorry you are going through similar and it sounds difficult.
Please don't apologise, I appreciate you sharing you story and hope you too find a way forward soon for you and your DH.
It is a difficult situation to be in from BOTH sides! To be honest, the intercooler in some ways feels easier because there is less touching, but alot of the reason for not doing that atm is the contraception thing (and when pregnant it was tiredness) I wouldn't really feel ok with him touching me at the moment which I think is a mixture of it only being a couple of months since giving birth (and in response to a previous poster it was an unexpected 'born before arrival' home birth so very 'hands on' for me and DH! Although I somehow managed to give birth through my pyjama shorts which helped, as being naked during birth is something I find exposing too- i wore lycra mini skirts, bras and vest tops both other times- also I have never liked DH touching me by rubbing my back etc during birth.
To be honest I think i struggle with physical touch from adults and am not naturally warm or tactile with them, which is why when DH called me 'cold' it really hit a nerve.
However with children (mine or anyone elses) I am the total opposite- very naturally warm and affectionate and also I have also never had any issues around the physical closeness of breastfeeding since my babies arrived.I do feel abit self conscious even now doing it in public i just get over it and get on with it as know baby's needs matter most.I never feel self conscious breastfeeding around DH but if he was to come in when I was getting changed and didn't have a bra on i would have issue with that.We have had afew occasions before where I was getting changed and he disrespected my boundaries of asking him not to look at me whilst doing so, then he peeped asif it was a joke, which i wasn't happy about.
My parents weren't majorly physically demonstrative with affection, especially with each other....a peck on the cheek or a quick hug was all I saw, and they very occasionally held hands.So I guess that level of affection feels normal for me for a married couple, but not normal for many, including DH, who obviously wants more.I think because I give so much to the children in that regard and get so much affection back from them, I have less of a deficit, but obviously that won't be forever and I realise I need to not neglect DH in that regard too and rekindle our relationship more too.I have made a real effort over the past few days to be more affectionate with him again- cuddles on the sofa and some kissing, which i think he has appreciated.We also talked about everything, and he was very sympathetic and understanding when I said about my body issues and apologised for pressuring/moaning at me for not having sex.
He is still keen to do so, but now realises he needs to pull back abit and take things at a pace i feel comfortable with, even though that mignt just mean increasing affection in non sexual ways alongside me pleasuring him for awhile.

Forgot to add, he was also very complimentary about my appearance and my body which was nice to hear, although he realises I can't see things in that way like he does in terms of attractiveness.
We humoured about how sex is probably his equivalent of chocolate for me, and how if I have to go without that I get quite angsty and moody too!
I think being able to communicate about things and discuss them rationally rather than in a state of negative and heightened emotions, really helps.x

That sounds positive, OP.

It might be worth doing some work on body acceptance and loving yourself, because your body is an amazing thing- it produced these lovely children.

It might not be perfect and might have flaws, but so does everyone's, and that's OK.

Thanks- I think in some ways I really love and respect my body- I feel so in awe and grateful that it has been able to grow and birth my lovely children, and also the fact that it all works well, which sadly is not the case for everyone (eg; would never say or feel something like 'i hate my legs they're too big' because I know i'm lucky to actually have legs that work!)
I do still feel attractive in the right clothes when covered up, make up done etc.
But just not when naked.

I've always had appearance issues for quite some time tbh....eg; I remember in primary school comparing the size of my legs to other girls, by 13 I was desperately wanting to get a fake tan despite being too young obviously, at 14 I went on a hiking holiday with the school but wouldn't take my coat off despite it being hot because I was self conscious about my upper arms.At 15 I remember looking at a Christina aguilera album cover wishing I had a body like hers...etc etc. I also have a history of self harm as a teen/young adult relating to low self esteem.

The more you share the more I think you’d really benefit from doing some therapy. I do think it would likely improve your capacity for intimacy of all kinds with your partner, although I understand there’s no rush on the sexual front given how recently you’ve given birth, but more importantly I think you’d really benefit from some self-esteem work and exploration of your attitudes towards nudity, sex etc. Perhaps see if you can find a psychosexual therapist.

Those conversations with your husband sound really positive, here's hoping it continues developing in the same direction and wishing you all the best.

@ChitterChatter1987 good to hear that some progress has been made. I would really recommend a self help book at the moment, you can read while you breastfeed ect. It sounds like you’ve had a body image issue for a very long time. Does your husband know what you’ve told us? Regardless, he has told you he finds you attractive and loves your body so believe him.

How do you feel when you are giving hugs and receiving them? Because the body creates the feel good chemical oxytocin ( I think) from physical touch. I know I feel a lot happier after sex or hugs and kisses during the day or night.

Please try and build on this. Work towards something with your husband to get things back on track. Please do not breastfeed until this baby is 4 years old, no wonder you feel touched out. I understand you don’t want to be touched right now but maybe in a month or two work towards doing sexual things at least for your husband if you feel comfortable. It will help even if you don’t want anything back ( and you may do as it may set the mood).

That is progress.

But your inability to be naked around your OH and to not like him there were you are un/dressing is pretty extreme and needs addressing.

And as for giving birth through PJ shorts .........

You do have a problem - you do need to tackle it I think, if only so that you do not unwittingly pass on these inhibitions to your children. I am sure you would wish that they have happy and relaxed relationships in the future. Do it for them if not for yourself and your OH.

Ok, so first of all you have 3 tiny children including a 10 week old. Maintaining a sex life under these circumstances is difficult even for the randiest couples. He needs to manage his expectations, honestly. I know you might feel like you could be happy never having sex again at this point but things will get easier and once you're not breastfeeding etc you might regain some sex drive. I would try to encourage him to wait a few months/a year and not to pressure you.

If this issue is driving a wedge and he really is becoming a pain with resentment creeping in on both sides you MUST seek relationship counselling. It's not the end/'doom and gloom' people make it out to be. The problem is that people leave it too long to try. Once you both hate each other and love has gone it's TOO LATE. We have gone twice and it's been amazing for us. The last time was during covid with tiny children and it was online at 7/8pm once they'd gone to bed. It's expensive but honestly make cut backs elsewhere so you can afford it. There definitely sounds like a lot worth saving here. You might come to the conclusion that one/both if you need your own therapy afterwards too which would be a wonderful thing if it improved your relationship and overall happiness. Check out the bacp website to find a therapist. If they do online doesn't even need to be someone nearby.

I agree.
The amount of effort some women have to put in to stop their partner from leaving, despite not wanting to, makes it sound very job like.

Well no one has to be in a relationship, do they? It’s supposed to be fun! If it really feels like a job, you’re probably with the wrong person, or better off single.