DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

I think you fail to understand how catastrophic a late and unplanned pregnancy would feel for some women. I insisted on a condom as well the whole time I had a coil. I absolutely refuse to have a third pregnancy or face a termination (fourth actually, I had a loss too). Me and my body have been through far too much already - pain and recovery over and over again, never to the point I started at, and raising my risk of many later life health complications - none of which has impacted my DH barely at all. He can wear a fucking condom.

I know many men sadly are, but he really isn't like that.He has decent morals and has always been very devoted to me and the kids.I know he wouldn't be unfaithful in a relationship, and nor would I.

I think give it time. You have just had a baby and have 3 kids. It's okay to feel 'touched out' etc. If everything else is good in the relationship then this is something you can talk about together?

Another Vote for splitting up. It’s not just the new baby that is causing you to think like this, you say that it took one ‘episode’ to get pregnant and you were over the moon. You don’t want sex and that’s fine, but he does and he’s just as entitled to want a sex life as you are to not. You do sound cold towards him. You say it’s just one element of the relationship, it’s the element that stops you from just being people that live together and if my husband took that element off the table, even with the carrot dangling of ‘it might not always be like this’ then I would be miserable too.

The way you describe sex as a ‘faff’ or ‘the mess etc all quite gross’ must feel so upsetting to him.

If that is genuinely what you think about having sex with your husband then I feel sorry for you. And especially him.

That doesn’t mean the relationship won’t sour and end eventually though

Do you orgasm when you do have sex?

Or do you not really get anything out of it?

What are you on about? No one is giving batshit answers. Everyone is saying the same thing. OP is strongly implying that she dislikes sex and would happily never have it again (unless, of course, she decides to have a fourth child). By her own admission, her DH is unhappy with that. Neither of them is in the wrong.

Can you not give him a quick wank or a BJ ?

I felt very physically and emotionally fragile after having my last baby, for some time. It took far long to recover when you've got older kids, and are older yourself. DH took a while to click that moaning and sulking made me want him even less than I already did I'd say our DD was around 7 months before we fully became intimate again.

As a complete aside, I can't take any form of pill due to reaction to the hormones but I've been fine with a Mirena coil. I was given one to try as an alternative to hysterectomy and I've had about 5 consecutive ones. It's been a game changer for me.

Do you ever look at anyone and think you’d want a bit of that? Like a celebrity crush even? Is it a him issue (ie; you don’t want to shag him because he doesn’t pull his weight) or a sex drive issues? Two different things.

I was in a relationship where our sex drives were mismatched. I wanted sex more often than him. It's not a good place to be. I have been told no kissing, cos ultimately it would raise my expectation of sex and lead to disappointment- it demoralising. Ultimately neither of you are in the wrong about how often u want sex, trying to coerce someone is so wrong OP. I hope you find a solution

Stop blaming the fact you have kids. It really sounds like you have always been a bit averse to sex.

Your DH will be a prime candidate for an affair and I wouldn't blame him. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to and indeed you shouldn't if you don't want to. But sex is a fairly ordinary expectation in a relationship and you should probably split up so he can pursue a relationship that would suit him and vice versa

I think it selfish if he won't get a vasectomy. Why should the contraception be solely down to you?

Also. How is the sex? Do you orgasm? Do you feel like the sex was for you or him?

I think often women are said to have lower sex drives but that's often because sex is just a man using them as a warm, self cleaning flashlight.

Maybe work together on finding what you do like being touched. Without the expectations of him finishing. Stop sex being about you servicing his needs and more about him and you learning about your body.

Of course you will think that

plenty of wives think the same and are blindsided when they leave

and a relationship without sex and intimacy is just a friendship

he is telling you he has a problem with the lack of sex and intimacy
your just not listening

Whilst I think being post partum is a bit of a red herring because you say yourself the issues were there before, I do think it is an extra complication.

My advice for what it's worth would be to have a good chat, take sex off the cards until the baby is 6 months old and in his own room. Be clear, so your DH can adjust his expectations. Then use that time to work on affection and intimacy in other ways.

At 6 months you will have a better idea about whether your sex drive is gone for good and you can have another conversation at that point.

You are being very naive. Your lack of interest in your husband sexually will be affecting his self esteem. All it will take is an attractive colleague paying him some attention or flattering his ego. Don't take his fidelity for granted

Because its NOT trivial and shallow to him?
Wanting to have sex with your partner is normal...

It also will kill his love for you and he will end up not loving you at all.

Speaking from experience, I agree with this.
It might be soon, it might be years, but his resentment will grow and his love will fail.

How would you feel if he were to have sex with someone else? Would it be something you’d be open to?

This is a chicken and egg scenario in my experience. Having regular sex MAKES you feel connected/positive/loved up/less snippy with each other etc. Just my experience but if we ever go a week without it we end up chuckling when we realise we’re snapping and why that is then DTD to reset/bond.
My DH would really struggle with a fortnight let alone year. I find it really surprising you’d just prefer him to never mention it.

It sounds like you want a family but not a husband and you are reluctant to show your husband any emotional consideration. You are undoubtedly happy with your brood of children and aren't giving your husband a second thought. Do not be surprised if he finds a connection outside of this sexless and emotionally restrictive marriage.

Always an interesting question in these scenarios. If sex is so trivial what’s the harm in him doing it with someone else.

If someone had asked me when i was 10 weeks PP if I could do without sex for the rest of my life i'd have said yes. I don't think I could even imagine wanting it again. My youngest is 3 in November and I wouldn't say it's back to pre-baby sex-drive but I am not sex-drive-less. It's far too early to assume she will feel this way forever.

If you're certain you won't want more kids, you could consider having your tubes tied. I had mine cut during my c section for my third when I was your age (he's now 5). It's one of the best decisions I made. I literally never have to think about contraception ever again.