DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

A yes under duress because of what the consequences would be if you said no is rape. And if doesn't sound like you've wanted sex for a significant amount of time but have gone along with it to keep him happy. You really need to leave this charmer because it's not gonna get any better

You need to split up. It’s too young to go without sex for the rest of your life.

I think you need to split up, you do not have compatible sex drives. It is fine to not want to have sex, but if your partner obviously still does, it is a recipe for disaster.

Flip the situation around. Imagine for a second it was you wanting it, and he wasn't. How would that make you feel? Sad and frustrated, I'd guess?

Clearly you're no longer compatible in this area, and you should probably let him go. Otherwise it's only going to end up causing more resentment between you the longer it goes on.

Your marriage is going to end sooner or later. It wasn’t in a great place with this massive mismatch in such an important area before you had the latest baby. Yes he should get a vasectomy if you’re done with babies and you’ve done your bit with contraception. But you still wouldn’t want to shag him given you think it’s gross. So I can see why he doesn’t think it’s worth the bother.

You haven’t wanted to have sex with him for years and have numerous reasons for that, it’s not a normal post partum hiatus.

At the point that you won’t even kiss him and think his normal wish to have a sexual relationship with his wife is a combination of icky, gross, unnecessary, contemptible you owe it to him to be honest that you don’t want to do it again, sex is off the table forever, and he can decide what the rest of his life looks like.

Can i ask... it is normal for him to want sex, BUT the way he talks to you, guilt trips you, always wants kissing to lead to sex, you dont even want to hug with a bra off as you know it will set him off, getting moody etc.... im wondering if your sex drive would be higher if you weren't with a man who acts like a child.

It sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible, its not fair on either of you right now.

and I dont think someone trying it on with their 7 week postpartum wife knowing full well everything you've detailed here about your body and sex drive etc, is actually that much of a caring partner. Might be caring when it makes him look good, but ultimately his selfish instincts rid eover.

But why should sex determine the outcome of the whole relationship?!
It seems so trivial and shallow- we have built 13 years of life together which has in many ways been happy and successful.We do argue sometimes but we always have and aren't having daily rows or anything.The relationship has never been abusive, and none of us would cheat.We both share similar morals and views in many ways.
I know he wouldn't want to end our relationship any more than I would.He just wants me to want to want more sex!
But it is literally one element of the relationship.I'm fine to have it more again once baby is in his own room and we sort the contraception out (we had it about once a month before) its not like i'm saying i'll never have it ever again! And i'm happy to be more affectionate with him if I know it won't always end with him pressuring me for sex.

Good Christ, that's grim. You're allowed to not want sex. That's up to you. But eroding someone like this, and waiting for them to just work out for themselves that you resent them and never want to have sex again is a fucking horrific thing to do to someone.

Either let the poor sod go, or open your marriage.

Because without sex and physical affection it is just a friendship. He doesn't want to live with a friend he wants a relationship.

I'm in the same situation as he is in my marriage and have been for a long time and it is very lonely. It also will kill his love for you and he will end up not loving you at all.

How would you define a relationship if not involving physical intimacy as well as other things of course. But without physical intimacy it is just a close friendship.

You want a flatmate and he wants a wife and it isn't going to work out, take it from somebody who knows and is looking down the barrel of divorce.

I think sex has different levels of importance for different people, and ultimately if you’re not on the same page it can be and often is relationship ending.

I love my husband, I love our family, but if he decided sex was no longer part of our marriage or indeed if he was at a point where he saw it as a chore or a faff rather than having a genuine desire to have sex, our relationship would be ending. It’s totally fine for someone to not want sex, but it fundamentally changes a relationship and I wouldn’t be happy to accept a sexless marriage or a marriage where my husband was forcing himself to have sex with me because he felt like he had to.

It’s not trivial to an awful lot of people. It’s the one thing that defines a marriage/romantic relationship from all other relationships. I think you know that and you’re just being defensive. He won’t believe you’ll enthusiastically have sex with him once the baby has their own room and neither do I. Why would you when you think sex is gross and that part of your life is behind you now you’ve got the children you wanted?

You won’t. So he’s looking at celibacy, in his 30s, for the rest of his life. Or at best to have monthly reluctant pity shags which you resent because you don’t think sex in a marriage is important. Be honest, first with yourself then with your husband.

You do raise valid points here.
It is likely the fact he is acting like a child that is making me resent him.It spills over from general life....such as I asked him to wipe up his biscuit crumbs from the table last night and he moaned about it saying he cleans up my mess.I told him it don't leave crumbs all over the table so that is untrue, and that i would ask our children to tidy up after themselves so expect the same of him!
Things like that do piss me off and probably cause underlying irritation that builds up resentment I guess.
Maybe we need some sort of relationship therapy, but god knows where would find the time or money for it! Theres nobody who can have all our kids together whilst we go for starters!

Therapy is much cheaper than divorce.

You're both in the right here - that's the issue and one you do need to understand TBF.

I'ts very normal for a husband to want to have sex with is wife.
It's also very normal for you to not feel like having sex in the circumstances you describe with the kids and breast feeding etc.

Him trying to persuede you into it is coercion. You feeling like a kiss would lead to a sexual advance - is also coercive.

BUT - from his point of view he's feeling rejected and possibly insignificant.

I don't know what the answer is - but you do need to do something about this if you don't want your marriage to end. Start by having a very serious discussion with him - and be prepared to listen to him - and make sure you get him to understand that using coercive ways is the quickest way to make you uninterested in sex!

Maybe start with an agreement from him - that if you are kissing/cuddling and being intimate - that that will NOT lead on to sex. If you can be confident that you can me intimate and loving with him in a non sexual way - that will probably help you to feel closer to him again - and will help him feel less rejected.

I see where you are coming from, I have felt a bit like this at times in my marriage when he has wanted it more than me. But I fancy him and love being intimate with him. The physical intimacy keeps the emotional intimacy going and vice versa. I couldn't be with someone i couldn't connect with physically and nor should your husband have to

A vasectomy AND a condom?!!!

This is all such good advice- thankyou!!

Vasectomy isn't 100% failsafe though is it and neither are condoms

You can try a self help book to try and work on your marriage.

I honestly do realise there has been a shift....thinking about it i did used to actually have more desire to be intimate when I felt connected and positive with him in general.He has become increasingly uptight/moody over recent times which i'm struggling with and think is all bubbling away under the surface.If I don't feel like things are positive between us mentally I don't think i can easily connect physically.Maybe he is the same but opposite way perhaps, which has caused abit of a stalemate.

But its not trivial or shallow is it, its a level of connection as a couple, and ultimately one of the main things that makes a relationship different to a friendship (not saying you should have sex that you dont want). Its a level of vulnerability and trust and safety in each other. And letting go/ release destressing and relaxing and being close. Id feel really lonely if my partner didn't want that with me so I can understand your husband may feel that way too.

For him maybe its a love language and he wants that closeness and connection with you. He feels rejected that you dont enjoy that connection with him...just like you might feel if he wasn't communicating with you/ withdrew from one of your love languages.

Maybe you could have some couples counselling if you want the relationship to continue? To find out lots of different ways to connect that might make physical intimacy feel more comfortable again. I do empathise with the feeling touched out and tired bit. If im in that mode and he can watch the kids so I can go for a walk to clear my head and have a nice bath with my fave scents then I feel fresh and happier ready for intimacy, so my partner helps with this so that we can be there for each other..

The bedroom doesnt need to be an issue as you can have sex in other rooms away from the baby.

For me its a way that we remind each other Im his and hes mine, and that our connection is still there and still matters. our care for each other, closeness and happiness is so much better for it. It definitely doesn't need to feel dirty/shallow/sordid/ like anyone is using each other, so if the way he treats you make you feel this way maybe its not a healthy relationship?

For me nothing beats the growly tender voice of my man when hes just been very well loved, and been able to let go of all his stress in my arms. Or the little smiles and squeezes I get through the day because we've looked after our connection together.

I hope you find what it is that makes you both feel happier and more connected too.

This sounds like a classic scenario. Women's sex drive is not linear, it peaks and it troughs. Women are naturally more interested in sex when they want to secure a mate and when they want to conceive. It's nature's way. If you split up with your husband and wanted a new mate, your sex drive would come back.

Your body being changed from an independent, autonomous body to a baby making and nourishing machine means that your priorities and focus also change. In humans males are usually there to protect and provide whilst the mother raises the baby to at least toddlerhood before they start thinking about reproducing again.

So much of what you are going through is perfectly natural. The trouble is that men are no longer needed so much to protect and provide, so they want to get back to the reproducing as soon as possible (even if he doesn't want kids, this is what unconsciously drives his desire for sex).

The problem is that if you don't want more children, your sex drive may never return if you stay with the same partner because, as far as you are concerned, he's done his job and you are no longer interested in reproduction. This is normal for loads of women but hardly ever talked about.

When you already had 2 demanding children who didn't sleep well and who already left you too exhausted to have sex much, I wonder why you chose to have another?

I think that choice might be the end of your relationship tbh, well the end of any happy relationship anyway, even if you just stay with each other. The resentment is obviously already building - you don't want to be touched and he really wants a sex life. There isn't really any way for someone who doesn't want sex at all, and someone who really wants sex, to be happy together. Once resentment settles in it gets difficult to come back from IMO.

'The problem is that if you don't want more children, your sex drive may never return if you stay with the same partner because, as far as you are concerned, he's done his job and you are no longer interested in reproduction. This is normal for loads of women but hardly ever talked about.'

This isn't true at all! I had my child at 30 and didn't want any more. I didn't stop wanting sex with my husband at 30! There's much more to sex that just having kids.

Rest of her life? She's literally just had a fricking baby! Are you mad?