DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

Would you care if he had sex with other women?

I'm guessing she would. Most people wouldn't be happy about their partners sleeping with others even if they don't want to.

I really wouldn’t as long as I didn’t have to do it myself. Otherwise you’re forcing someone into a celibate life they don’t want or deserve. I think the options here are open the marriage or end the marriage?

No one should be pressured to have sex but no one should force someone else to live without sex.

I think if you put aside all of the if’s but’s and maybe’s the bottom line is that some people do go off sex, for some it will be hormonal changes or past trauma, for others it will be emotional disconnection or infidelity that’s caused it, either way you’re not alone in the way you’re feeling, your needs have changed and his haven’t which is pretty common, men don’t seem to be affected by the same things as women, short of medical issues, if they are born frisky they die frisky.

I think the problem men have and i can relate to this is that when you first meet someone it’s all excitement, lust and experiments, and that can go on for years but there usually comes a point where that all gradually slows down and things become more safe and comfortable, and sex tends to be a bit more of an infrequent ‘going through the motions’ thing and men struggle to understand why it all changed, why you’re not a pornstar anymore, and the first thoughts are ‘she doesn’t fancy me anymore’ or she must be seeing someone else etc etc. It’s a natural response to a behavioural change when you don’t know the reason why things have changed, and sometimes you don’t know why yourself.

It’s just life and your man is going to have to understand that it’s your body and your choice and decide whether he wants security and comfort or if he wants to go back to the beginning again with someone else.

10 weeks pp isn't the time to be making decisions about ending your relationship so I dont think the ltb or let him go replies are helpful. You aren't interested in sex and haven't been for a long time, yanbu for this, but it is unreasonable to expect your dh to be on the same page. Sex is important for most couples, to some extent at least. With a baby and young dc you are in the thick of it at the moment, and I think your dh should have given you a lot longer that 7 weeks before he tried to initiate sex, and been less whiney about it when you declined. But long term this is something you need to sort out between you, or the relationship will end. Until you sort things out he is unlikely to agree to a vasectomy imo.

Rather harsh to say you 'wouldn't blame him for having an affair' there is no excuse for anyone having an affair for any reason! 🤨

The fact we have kids is a key reason for me though....as it is for many people to certain extent....reduced sleep, feeling more touched out, burnt out, hormonal impact of breastfeeding and less time to spend with each other.Although both me and him love being parents to them all more than anything and wouldn't change it, it's probably since becoming a mum that I have viewed sex much more differently, as I find it hard to switch off from 'responsible mature grown up organisational mode and into 'having fun, relaxing and letting go mode' I would be lying there thinking about my 'to do list' whilst DH was getting into it.I also think it's related to having been together longer and getting older.

You write like you expect him to put up with no sex or intimacy in your relationship long term because it’s what you want, you really don’t seem to show any regard for him wanting a very basic part of your relationship. Why should he put up with that?

Just to clarify, splitting up, open relationships and affairs are NOT possibilities here 🙈 They are not things either of us would do or want.We are just on different pages regarding this one issue and need support to get through it.Neither of us are looking to end the relationship over it, but I agree at the same time that it can be detrimental long term and does need fixing.

Life is very complicated... someone could theoretically think it's wrong to cheat but still end up doing it. People aren't with good or bad. I do get motherhood is tiring but the way you talk about sex seems to indicate you have a fundamental aversion to it regardless of life getting in the way. Describing the mess and calling it a faff.

You need to be very careful here as you can not
100% predict what your husband will do if the lack of sex continues long term. You both need to find a compromise here not just your husband.

It’s a huge issue, and you can’t expect him to live in a sexless marriage with no intimacy forever, but your attitude seems to be that he should accept it from your posts in this thread. Long term that would ruin your relationship so I hope you do pay attention to the comments.

Just to clarify, you should probably visit the "just found out" forum on survivinginfidelity.com to find out just how common it is for people who think the way you do to be completely blindsided.

Without physical and emotional intimacy your marriage will die. This is sad for you both. You seem asexual, and happier to view yourself as a mum rather than a woman and sexual being. It is unreasonable of you to expect him to live without connecting with his partner sexually. Either get yourselves into therapy and save this marriage or walk away.

It already is long term, and it's already detrimental to both of you.

If you want to fix it, see a sex therapist. But if your thinking at the outset is 'how can I make him understand how he's wrong / how can I make him okay with no intimacy / he's a nice guy so he's not going anywhere and I don't have to try', you'd be wasting your time. This is a two person problem.

That is true, I do have a very negative mindset to it nowadays, which has increased over time.

It does just feel like a chore to me, I guess because I don't see it as a priority and essential factor of our relationship, and also because it makes me feel embarrased and exposed, especially as i am more self conscious since my body has changed after having kids.I respect and love my body in the sense of i think it is amazing, but I don't really feel 'sexy' nowadays!
I do also think his pestering about having sex manifests the negativity more.

But obviously DH does feel it is important, so I guess we need to find some sort of compromise for it not to keep being a recurring and continuous issue.

Think what you want to but I genuinely know him and that he isn't like that.
He will just put up with it and be moody about it, like he has upto now, but it will certainly affect our marriage especially as the kids grow older, I get that, and as I love him I don't want him to be unhappy, so am keen to deal with the issue to prevent that continuing to happen.

Whats stopping you then?

Think what you want to, but your exact mindset has been posted on that website many, many times.

If you dont have sex until given the all clear it pretty much is. A lot of people don't go back to check it's taken and get caught.

You have the right to take sex off the table but you don't have the right to expect to stay in a sexless marriage without resentment from your partner. It's a deal breaker for me. I would absolutely leave.

You need a proper chat about how things are and talk about what the future looks like.

Knowing HOW! There are so many possible reasons for the way I feel it's hard to pinpoint which are causing the most issues.Therapy hasn't been an option as we have nobody to have the kids on a regular basis.
But there has been some useful advice on this thread.

You're trying to paint him as some sort of sex pest when the guy hasn't been near you since April ??

Do him a favour and be honest. You don't want to have sex with him because you don't want to be in a relationship.......and that's fine. But it's not fine to expect him to give up his sex life entirely.......let's face it if he had a vasectomy there'd be other reasons for you to continue avoiding sex and that's not on.

I’d suggest speaking to him at a time that isn’t directly off the back of a rejection. Explain that you love him and fancy him but sex just isn’t something you want right now while you’ve just had a baby and are breastfeeding. Say you want to kiss and be affectionate but are worried to do that in case it’s seen as wanting sex, so both agree to totally take sex off the table - a sex ban - for a while so you both know that you can hug and kiss and it won’t lead to anything more.

Youre both very young to give up sex forever and I think you might feel different once your hormones settle.

I thought this way too - Found out my ex was having an emotional affair with a work colleague during the time when I needed him the most. Our sex life was on the floor because of my situation, and also being a mum etc... Everyone was so shocked as you would never have thought this. I would recommend couples therapy for you x

Agreed.

Terribly sad for your children though.

And don't push him into having a vasectomy either. Your relationship isn't going to last and that's not fair on him or a future partner he might have.

X

I don't think you are wrong for not wanting sex, and I don't think your husband is wrong for wanting it.

It sounds rather that the 'love' in your relationship is more like a business/partnership etc and some of the 'romance' 'sexual-appeal' etc is not present.

I think the value you place on sex is very low, and it sounds like he places a much higher value on sex.

I think in the long run you need to work through this and decide what to do together.

Of course being pressured into sex is wrong.

To some degree I agree with the poster who said "And don't push him into having a vasectomy either. Your relationship isn't going to last and that's not fair on him or a future partner he might have." I mean I do not know if it will last or not but it may not. And, I also think you could pressure him to have a vasectomy and still not want sex with him.

When my kids were younger I went off sex a bit. I was also larger, wobbly bits, tired etc etc.

Overtime I came to feel sex was a very important part of our relationship and I also found the more sex I had (to some degree) the more I wanted. I guess we only average about twice a week, which is enough for us.

I know you are only a few weeks postpartum so this may not be a conversation for now but in the future, if you do want to stay together, you will need to address your mismatched expectations.