Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

[TreadlngWater]

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

Can’t the father of your baby help? Surely he’s invited too?

Is there anyone else who could accompany the children? Grandparents?

Or he can take care of the newborn when you’re gone?

I don’t really see what difference it makes your baby coming with you? How old are your DC? Has there been a recent change? As you say you got on well until recently. What do they expect you to leave your baby at home?

Your ex needs to find someone to accompany the children if you can’t go with the baby. Simple.

They’re his kids and it is his wedding, they’re his responsibility

Surely if he wants the kids there that badly he’ll sort something out. Can his parents or an aunt or uncle take charge of your kids and you get them early evening or something so you don’t have to go? I have never heard of a child friendly wedding where babes in arms are excluded though

She is being unreasonable, but I’d see if I could solve the problem with the least fuss in your position I think. Can an aunty or someone take the children so you can stay home with your baby?

Can the baby stay with dad? Or a relative look after the other kids at the wedding?

All so the kids don’t suffer obviously. Ex and his fiancée sound like twats.

This is not your problem to solve.

Tell your ex he has these options:

a) you go with baby and look after the children
b) you stay home with baby and he arranges a suitable person to look aftter the kids.

If he doesn't co-operate then c happens - you and the kids don't go.

It’s one of those things where neither of you is unreasonable.

Can someone else accompany the children? The grandparents?

Can your partner be nearby with your baby?

Well if he is the children’s father then he needs to figure something out. Either you come with the baby or he finds someone else to mind the children on the day.

I think your ex needs to grow a pair. It sounds like his future wife is deliberately trying to orchestrate a situation where the children from a previous relationship aren't at 'her' wedding.
Can your partner not watch the baby for a few hours whilst you attend?

Although I will say, this was the start of my exes relationship with our girls ending.

His (now ex) new wife wouldn’t allow my girls at their wedding unaccompanied (they were 12). Their grandparents had jobs during the wedding so couldn’t look after them, their aunt was a bridesmaid so couldn’t, none of exes friends were deemed suitable and I wasn’t invited. So the girls didn’t go. They never forgave him.

You just say you won’t be able to come without your newborn and he will have to sort out childcare for his children

Suspect she has decided at the last min she doesn’t want you ther.

Why can’t your ex’s family (parents/siblings) be the chaperone for the kids?

Your ex may want you there but she doesn’t. This is her way of politely letting you know they are inviting you for decency’s sake but they don’t expect you to actually come.

Graciously bow out.

Will your children’s grandparents be there to care for them? I don’t understand why their dad can’t “supervise” them, how old are they? My DSC were at our wedding, we looked after them.

Even no kids weddings allow babes in arms so I’m not sure what’s going on here but she might be pretty sure by excluding the baby she’s excluding you by the back door and that’s what she wants.

My parents had been divorced 20+ years when my dad remarried. We’d regularly spent Christmas and many other events all together but mum wasn’t invited to their wedding because it would have been very odd.

Don’t go and tell him if he wants his kids there he can look after them.

Yep this is not on you to sort. He wants you to sort with new wife so there’s no drama! Err no he needs to decide what he wants. If he wants his kids there then he finds someone to care for them. It’s sounding like you are only invited to fulfill that role and that is not something I’d want to be doing!

Also: this.

If he doesn’t, let the kids feel that disappointment from them.

Nothing to do with decency, she knows ex’s kids should be at the wedding, wants OP to be there as their babysitter for the day.

I’d be saying “ok, cool, I’ll stay at home with my baby, ex can sort the kids for the day”

Why can’t your baby’s dad have the baby for the day? I’m presuming the father is not your ex ….

All these people saying “Can’t the baby’s dad have the baby” - erm, a newborn may be EBF and frankly it’s unreasonable to expect a mother to be away from their new baby if they don’t want to be. Dunno what the answer is I just find it an odd take.

How old are your dc?
How much "looking after" would they need?

I think it's more usual in this situation that the wider family of the parent getting married keep an eye on the dc during the wedding.

That's what happened when my ex got remarried. Our dd was almost 5 and grandparents and aunty looked after her.
As she was quite little, the GPs brought her back to me early on in the evening do.

The father of the baby isnt invited either, its only me and my DC that have been invited. The only children invited are my DC aswell

I dont really feel comfortable leaving the baby with my bf for hours anyway as im hoping to breastfeed and obviously I dont know how that is going to go yet, especially with a newborn

There are grandparents but they arent really an option for having the children for the whole wedding, and tbh I dont think I should have to find someone to look after all of them when they were invited with me in the first place

It is a sudden change, thats the thing that is confusing me. They have known im pregnant for months and they knew the baby would be here by the wedding day, they still invited me and the DC knowing all of this. Its only recently that ive been told the baby isnt invited and now apparently the DC cant be there unless someone is "accompanying" them

It just seems to have come out of nowhere

My ex has only said he doesnt want drama and that we need to work something out, but I suspect this is more his wife to be's decision and he just hasnt told her no or really added his own opinion to it

I dont want to cause a massive argument with them, especially for the DC, but im not sure why im suddenly the one expected to sort out childcare when nothing was said about this before

Ive never said I expect them to change their whole wedding for me, I just thought when they invited me and the DC they had already considered the fact that id have a newborn by then

It's fine, just tell your ex that he'll have to arrange someone else to mind the children at the wedding as you're not leaving a newborn all day. Tell him if he can't sort it out, he can explain to his children why they can't go to his wedding!