Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

[TreadlngWater]

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

If your ex wants his kids at his wedding then surely it's up to him to sort out an attending family member of his to look after them during his wedding ceremony.

I’d just send a lovely note saying unfortunately you will be unable to attend as you can not leave the newborn baby without food for hours. The balls in their court then, they can choose how to proceed.

If they’re having a childfree wedding except for kids of the groom, obviously his ex won’t be able to bring a baby. That’d be unfair on everyone else they know with a child.

OP needs to step back and let them arrange childcare for the day. She doesn’t need to be there.

Because the baby will be a few weeks old at the most and OP intends to breastfeed. It's an impossible situation. And it's not for OP to sort out. It's for the ex to make plans so that his children can attend his wedding

Message the ex to say the kids will be available to be picked up on the day, you won't be attending, have a lovely day, byeee.
Their father is fully capable of figuring out what to do, don't give it a moment of thought.

She obviously expects none of you to come because of this and likely doesn’t want you there anyway.

Of course you can’t leave a newborn baby all day.
It doesn’t have to be a drama, but if Ex wants the children there he will need to arrange for someone to look after them at the wedding- presumably he will have family there? If not , you could go, but you’ll have to bring the baby. Ball in his court, but make it clear that leaving the baby is not on the cards.

The DC are 6, 4 and 2 (will have just turned 3 by the wedding)

Theyre not tiny babies obviously but they still need watching, especially the then 3yo and I dont really think its fair to just expect someone who isnt their parent to be responsible for them all day without actually asking them first

I know people are saying grandparents or an auntie could keep an eye on them and maybe thats what will happen, but nobody has actually offered to do that yet. My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out

And I dont really want to bring my bf and have him sitting in a hotel room with the baby all day either, especially when I want to breastfeed. The baby would be with me most of the time anyway

I could go for a couple of hours but then who is watching the DC while im with the baby? Thats the bit I dont understand

They have specifically said the baby isnt invited but the DC are, so surely they need to have some sort of plan for the DC if they want them there

I do understand that babies can cry and its their wedding, im not saying they have to have a screaming newborn through the ceremony 😂 but I dont think its unreasonable for me to say im not leaving a newborn for hours just so I can go and provide childcare for my exs children

If my ex wants them there that badly then I think he needs to sort out who is looking after them on the day, rather than just saying he doesnt want drama

How old are the children and how many are there? If they are excited by a wedding then probably at least one is still young.

Just tell them you wont be leaving the newborn and ask who is going to look after the children on the day and where you should drop them off/ what time you collect them.

Don’t go, stay at home with your baby. Your ex needs to sort this not you. He can’t just say he doesn’t want any drama and duck out. I presume he want them there, it’s up to him to sort. Sadly if he doesn’t sort it out it will affect there relationship, he needs to explain to them himself.
Don’t get drawn into it. You don’t want leave newborn end of discussion.

Either your baby’s father has the baby for the day. If he’s not capable of that why have a baby with him.

or your exs parents need to have the children and you don’t attend. I think you will find the new wife doesn’t want you there.

Is this her first marriage? As she might be wanting the wedding to be her perfect day. And for this to be so late it sounds like someone has got into her head. A jealous friend - why are you inviting his ex? The baby is going to steal the limelight. She has now built something in her head. Does that make sense.

Does she have her own children? Have you tried to talk to her. Explain how you are feeling to her or asking her why?

Crosspost. Asking anyone to look after 3 children as young as that is a big ask so either he hires a nanny, you take the baby or they probably dont go. They are far too young to be staying for the day anyway and should at most be staying for a meal. If your ex finds someone to mind them them send snacks as weddings usually dont have food when kids want to eat and pick them up before any evening party.

Just say no. Tell him to hire a nanny or the children can’t come.

I don’t think that’s fair, I’d never have left my newborn with my husband in the first few weeks but he would have been more than capable. It’s hard in those first few week to leave your newborn with anybody it’s literally hard wired in women to not want to be apart from their babies in the first few weeks.

Gosh you’ve both moved on fast. A 2 almost 3 year old together and he’s getting married and you’re about to have another baby?

Then you say what is true, and give the rest to them.

”I’m breastfeeding so have to be with the baby. Let me know if you still want the kids to attend and I’ll drop them with you. Have a great day!”

Nah, this isn't on you, it is for your x to sort out. They cannot have it both ways.
I wouldn't want to leave my newborn for a whole day either.

This. It is ok not to want your baby - or indeed you - at the wedding but then he either:

1. Finds someone else to mind HIS children for the day
2. Explains to HIS children why they can't come to the wedding - and tell him you will be explaining that it isn't your fault or the fault of your baby that they can't come so don't bother going down that road.

Tell your ex the kids will love to be there for his special day (as they should be) but your not going to leave your newborn alone with no milk just to watch him get married.

The kids obviously need to go and that is on HIM to sort out.

Are they not part of the wedding party? I would not expect bride nor groom to be taking care of children - but maid of honor, family members, any of the party.

My kids just went to their dads wedding I declined dropping them off and picking them up. I did not in any way want to be a part of their special day, my kids were also the only children at the wedding.

Kids are so easy to entertain with multiple adults, there will always be someone to dance with and chat too. Honestly just trust in him to make it work, don't let them miss out, and don't let yourself be so torn.

Tell him it's on him and you kindly thank him for the invite but you would rather be with your new baby than his wedding?

It's either or isn't it? The baby comes so that you can breast feed or they find a relative to mind the children on the day.

We split up when I was pregnant with my youngest, we havent been together for 3 years

Your final paragraph here nails it.

Their father needs to sort the childcare for his children to attend his wedding. He needs to ask his parents or a sibling to take responsibility for them during the day.

Have you ever breastfeed a baby?
The hotel would have to be so near that she could get there in a couple of minutes and nip back and forth frequently. And presumably she would have to take her children with her because the Bride said they can't be left unsupervised.
The only real options are that the newborn goes with her or the ex sorts someone out to look after his children.
It's not OPs problem to sort out it's his

Why would there be drama? You reply "Thanks for the invite exhub, I'm not able to leave my newborn, so won't be able to attend. Please make arrangements for our DC to be supervised by one of your attending family members"

This is very much not your problem